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Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

The Dark Crystal Part 3

by fantasydragon01


Astelna was not evil, yet Uinar and Einar could not find out why she had sent them to prison. Seeing the two skeletons in front of them, they did not understand her harsh treatment of prisoners. They gagged at the sight of the bones, and felt very sick

"We will not get out of this horrid and fetid place," Einar said, pinching his nose. "Look what happened to these people!" He gestured at the skeletons. "We have no food or supplies. Why would Astelna ever do this to people?"

"I do not know, Einar," Uinar replied, "but we must find a way to get out of here."

"Haven't you listened to what I had said?!" his brother exclaimed. "We will never get out of here. We will die, and soon mother will follow us!"

"Let me think," said Uinar, "and do not despair." He looked through the keyhole of the door. There were two male soldiers guarding each side of the door. They were not elves, just regular humans. They both held spears and said nothing. Uinar sat down on the damp ground and pondered for a few minutes. And every minute seemed like torture for both he and Einar. The stench was unbearable, and they knew that they could not pinch their noses all the time. Breathing was difficult, despite their efforts to ignore the smells. 

 

Finally, Uinar spoke, but in a whisper. "I have an idea, but it may or may not work." He stood up and looked around. He then picked up some sharp rocks. "I could use this rock to unlock the door. I've done this before back in Bearhelm." He put it through the keyhole. No results. Then he used another rock. Nothing. After three more pieces of rock, Uinar heard a click. He moved the doorknob and the door slowly opened. "Follow my lead," said Uinar. The soldiers saw the men and right before they could say anything, Uinar and Einar punched the men in the faces and in the stomachs until they were knocked out. It had been with great difficulty, as the men had chain-mail, but it succeeded. Then, they took the spears from the soldiers and dragged them into the cell and closed the door.

Being out of the cell was like a breath of fresh air. 

"Looks like no one has ever thought of that idea," said Uinar, smiling. "The door must have been weak."

"Who cares about the door?!" Einar said. "Let's move on so we can find the Dark Crystal."

In that room was a long hallway, dimly lit by torches that burned gray fire. Five soldiers came out of it, wielding spears and swords and wearing the same armor that the other two guards wore. They had heard the punching noises and ran quickly to see what was going on. As they ran towards the men, Uinar cried out:

"I'll take those three, and you'll take the two! Now!"

It was a very good thing that the brothers knew how to fight. They had combat lessons in Bearhelm and they did know what would they do had they not had some fighting experience.

Einar managed to kill two soldiers with the spear and he rushed to help his brother. One was down. Then another. And finally the last was killed.

"Are you all right?" asked Einar.

"Only punched and bruised, that is all," replied his brother. Then he looked down. He was wrong. He was stabbed in the lower right leg and blood came out of it.

"Don't worry," said Einar. He took some bandages out of his rucksack and wrapped it around Uinar's leg. "That's the best I can do. I wasn't the one who had the medicine lessons. our sister did."

"The leg's all right, Einar," said Uinar. "Now, let's go through the hallway, and then we'll see what we can do." 

The brothers slowly walked through the hallway.  It was narrow, though less fetid than the cell. The two were constantly on their guard, expecting to be attacked at any moment. Uinar put his arm around his brother's next as a support.

It was not long before they left the hallway. The brothers thought that luck had brought them to a huge, hall-like cavern with stalagmites and stalactites shining like diamonds. The ceilings were as high as a grandiose castle. Cave streams flowed from one end of the cavern to another. Everything seemed to be sparkling. Indeed, some rubies and emeralds with an occasional amethyst dotted the cavern. But these were nothing compared to what was shining in the middle of the cave.

Seated on a large stone hill was the Dark Crystal.


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Sun Apr 26, 2015 2:28 am
Apricity wrote a review...



Heyo dragon, Flite here again. This was the earliest part I could find, so I'll start from here and work my way up. I'm not going to too be too nit-picky here, I just want to point out some fundamental problems.

First of them is the several lack of description, it's just action, dialogue and statement. With a structure like that the story becomes monotonous and flat, you've probably heard show don't tell a lot of times. But it's always a balance of the two, you've got a lot of telling here, narration with no description. You need to throw some description in, about the character's feelings about this situation and their surroundings. Describe the cells, describe the atmosphere in them and their reaction upon it.

The brothers don't seem very panicked at all right now, it's like they're panicked but they aren't really that panicked from the tone and because I'm not getting much at all apart from dialogue tags I can't relate to them at all.

"Let me think," said Uinar, "and do despair." He looked through the keyhole of the door. There was no one. He sat down on the damp ground and pondered for a few minutes. And every minute seemed like torture for Einar.


And I think you meant do not despair there. You said that he looked through the keyhole, you could show us what he saw or the expression on his face, if every minute was torture for Einar, why was it a torture for her. Apart from the obvious, use this opportunity to exploit your character's fears and flaws and show them to us. That's what makes them human.

And using stones to unlock doors....that's odd. If this was a prison, what happened to the guards? Wouldn't the doors be better enforced, how is it that they can just waltz out of their cell and not encounter any guards or any barriers against them. And then after that, they just happened to chance upon the Crystal? And if they're constantly on their guard, you could also show us that via their body language or the way they moved.

Why does that not sound very plausible to me at all.

What happened to the process of finding the Crystal, did they know where it was? When writing, always keep in mind how plausible a situation action is.

Hope I helped in some ways, if you've got any questions, you know the drill.

-Flite




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Wed Apr 22, 2015 1:57 am
RubyRed says...



Nice I particularly like the description of the cave and the desperation to escape. Though when I saw the title I was a bit confused. It reminded me of the Dark Crystal by Jim Henson but other then that, great job! I'd like to see the rest of this.




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Wed Apr 22, 2015 1:56 am
kevin25a wrote a review...



This was really good, just like the last chapter. But it's never so simple of course, they will be caught on the way out, or as they approach the dark crystal I'm sure. It's not like they would get home alive without getting back there things. Nothing is ever simple, even in fantasy. But anyway great job and I'm looking forward to the next chapter even more eagerly.





It's kind of fun to do the impossible.
— Walt Disney