z

Young Writers Society


12+

The Dark Crystal Part 13

by fantasydragon01


At the outskirts of the village, Astelna stood atop a small mound watching the sunset. Right before her eyes were the mountains, tall and proud, yet hued with an orange glow. The wind blew against the elf's dark hair. She wore a long, sleeveless gray dress and a bandage was wrapped around her shoulder. Every time she saw it, the memory lingered in her mind. She will always remember that one day, in which Lonna, in her rage, pierced her with an arrow.

Feelings of sadness, regret, confusion, and anger was upon her. She did not know what to think. Little happiness was in her. Her round, downcast eyes were filled with tears.

Suddenly, from behind her, she heard what sounded like feet walking through grass. She turned and saw Einar. The man certainly looked older than before, but still retained that youthful visage. He stood next to the elf. She quickly wiped her eyes.

"I cannot believe it," he said. "I cannot believe that the quest for searching the Dark Crystal had come to fruition."

"We didn't save your mother in time," chided Astelna with a bit of sourness in her voice. "The mission had been in vain. I came here for nothing!"

"I must disagree with you," said Einar. She looked at him incredulously.

"What do you mean?"

"If I had not come on the mission, you would have still stayed in the mountains for the rest of your life, never seeing the outside world and its beauties. You would have still remained in those dark caverns, blindly following the authority of Geud."

"This was supposed to be for your mother, not for me!" said Astelna. "She's dead, Einar! Retrieving the Crystal was a complete waste of our time."

"I know that it was the will of the Crystal that mother should pass. This concept will be hard for me to fathom and accept, but I must learn to how to move on and look to the future."

There was a brief pause. Astelna suddenly muttered: "I can't believe it."

Einar heard her words. "Believe what?"

She turned to look at him with stern eyes. "I can't believe that you love me!" she said, raising her voice. "How could you love me?"

"What do you mean?"

"You know what I mean, Einar!" exclaimed the elf. "How could you fall in love with someone who murdered your brother? How could be in love with some elf whom no one cares about? How could you have affections for someone like me, terrible and dark? This is absolutely ludicrous!"

"I believe that there is good in you," replied Einar, gently. "In my eyes, you are not my brother's murderer, nor are you some dark and cruel warrior. In my eyes, I see a wonderful woman who deserves a chance to see the world. You are more than a servant of some terrible dragon. You are an intelligent and beautiful person. Do not say that no one cares about you. I care for you deeply and my affections for you are exceedingly great. You mean so much to me."

Astelna looked him for a while with a pensive face. Her face was red with tears. Einar smiled and took her hand and held it tight. 

She flashed a small smile.

"I forgive you of all your wrong-doings," said Einar. "Leave the past behind and start anew. The road to the future lies ahead." Einar suddenly heard in his mind a voice and knew that it was the Crystal speaking to him. It said: You must do it, Einar. You must ask Raven Warrior.

Einar pulled out of his pocket the ring he had found in Chema Cavern and presented it to Astelna. He went on one knee and said:

"Astelna, will you have the honor of being my wife? Let us be together in marriage so we can spend the rest of our lives together in peace. I love you dearly and I pray that you say 'yes'."

"Of course I will," she replied. She held out her hand and Einar put the ring on her finger. After he stood up, the elf continued: "Of course I will marry you. I do love you, Einar. I know I have not said it before. I had been confused when you said that you loved me. I thought you would think of me as terrible. It is not so. So, yes, I will marry you. My heart is rejoicing now that I am with you." She went closer to Einar and kissed him.


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Sun Sep 27, 2015 1:51 am
Chaser wrote a review...



Happy Review Day! *Charges*

Let's see, to start:

At the outskirts of the village, Astelna stood atop a small mound watching the sunset.

Small mound of what? It seems insignificant, but if you're going to include a mound, at least let the reader properly visualize it.

She will always remember that one day, in which Lonna, in her rage, pierced her with an arrow.

This feels more like a synopsis than part of the story. The reader already knows this!

Suddenly, from behind her, she heard what sounded like feet walking through grass.

And what would that sound like?

Well, that's really all the nitpicks I have. Moving on:

Ah, what a beautiful ending. It's been a blast seeing this unlikely pair finally come together. Einar's definitely gotten wiser, and it's good to see the man cast aside the past. The fact that he can see Astelna for who she truly is, and his acceptance of his losses are what make this story's conclusion so fulfilling. It's a core feature of romance, I think. That you understand that means that you are truly an accomplished thinker.

However, your description leaves just a bit to be desired. It's not as detailed as I'm accustomed to, which, I suppose, is fine for a conclusion that focuses more on dialogue anyway. But I am having a bit of trouble deciphering the mood. Vivid descriptions are usually a way to instill the tone, but your style excludes that, which I'll respect. Can you, perhaps, come up with stronger adjectives and verbs? It's very difficult, but it's a good way to provide intrigue without dragging the writing out.

Overall, it's a brilliant piece. While the style isn't to my preference (and let's face it, that's really been the only basis for my description critiques), it's still a compelling conclusion that does an excellent job of drawing the plot to a close. It's not my favorite, but I definitely like it. Cheers!


-Chaser




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Thu Sep 24, 2015 12:53 am
TheSilverFox wrote a review...



Well, fantasydragon, it seemed to be a hard challenge at the beginning of the story. Einar's brother had been murdered by Astelna, and the Dark Crystal, much to Einar's horror (at the start), had wanted them to be married. I knew that it would a challenging task, as a writer, to unite the characters and have them marry. There would have to be so many emotional hurdles and blockades to jump and navigate around, and I wasn't quite sure if you could pull it off. However, after having read this chapter, I believe that you did exceptionally well. The relationship between them is powerful, it is strong, and beautiful. Einar no longer feels hatred or anger at Astelna anymore, and his faith and devotion is unbelievably strong. He loves her with all his heart, and makes it clear that he wants to be with her for the rest of their days, and desires that she may no more be the servant of that terrible dragon. And now she cares for him as well. She now loves him, as he is the first person to not look at her and see a dark and cruel warrior. He sees her for what she truly is, and she appreciates that. This relationship is so firm, so intense, and so beautifully constructed, and I believe your efforts are a complete, and unilateral, success. As a write, you have done excellently, concocting this relationship and building and shifting your characters emotions and feelings for each other, and, in the course of this story, you have made an incredible plot. Nicely done!

Your descriptions and the emotions of this story are equally impressive. I love how clearly you describe each scene in the chapter. I can envision the orange hue of the mountains, the sorrow and tears on Astelna's face, the opening argument between the elf and the human, as they debate the success of their quest for the Dark Crystal, and the amazing conclusion to the story. Each part of this composition is vivid, intense, and clear, and they add together to form a series of well-made emotions that run throughout this story. The love, the sadness, the regret at the loss of Einar's mother, Einar coming to terms with himself as a person and who he wants to be with, and Astelna's finding where her true loyalties lie are fantastic. Your descriptions build each of these emotions and make them powerful, and the way that they run across the story is equally amazing. This composition is a veritable chorus of feelings of all kinds, set in a lovely scene with fascinating plot events. Therefore, I must also praise you for the way that this chapter is built.

I would like to point out one little aspect of your story that I noticed was a little strange:

"I cannot believe that the quest for searching the Dark Crystal had come to fruition."


This has, in my mind, a little bit of a strange word order. I understand what you were trying to communicate in the sentence, but it simply didn't flow right in my mind. As a suggestion, you could try to insert the word "for" between "searching" and "the," or perhaps rearrange the words in "for searching the Dark Crystal." That way, this sentence can be much clearer, and communicate far more meaning, which, in turn, adds to the rest of the your story.

Nonetheless, I love this story. It is beautiful, it is vivid, and it is grand. The emotions that run through this chapter are eye-catching, captivating, and makes this chapter the wonderful composition that it is. I enjoyed the plot and details in this story, and it was a fun story to read in my mind. Well done! :D





The inner machinations of my mind are an enigma.
— Patrick Star