z

Young Writers Society


12+

The Dark Crystal Part 11

by fantasydragon01


The sun was beginning to make its journey up into the world. It sent rays of yellow and orange into the soft, blue sky. It also painted the white and dark-blue clouds. Einar was already up, hoping with unease that he would see the village of Bearhelm in the distance. He held the Crystal in a pouch strapped on his belt. He touched it, and prayed that he would be able to save his mother in time.

Astelna did not sleep through the night, as did the flying dragon. She did not need any sleep.

"Are we anywhere near Bearhelm?" asked Einar.

"I think so. Don't worry. Mokma knows the way." Astelna patted the dragon.

"What exactly is the Gray Fever?" Einar asked suddenly. "I very much want to know how my mother got it."

"The Gray Fever is very uncommon in the world," replied the elf. "It can be found in wells and sometimes rivers. One can catch it if they drink too much contaminated water. Perhaps your mother didn't know and she drank some dirty water and caught the Fever. This disease is not like any other sickness. It's not like it can kill you in a matter of days. The Gray Fever sometimes lasts a couple of months or even years in its victim before it kills the person. Only the liquid of the Dark Crystal can cure the disease. No other remedy is capable of handling such a sickness. Have you noticed any changes in your mother's appearance?"

"Yes, I did. Her skin began to turn gray over time. But it was a very light gray. Small spots appeared on her arms and face, but they were so small they were barely noticeable."

"Those are the effects of the Gray Fever. It also causes the person major headaches and coughing."

"She had those, too."

"Look, Einar, don't worry. You are extremely lucky to have the Crystal. All you need to do is, when you reach your mother's house, take something sharp and use it to break a little of the Crystal. Liquid will come out of it. Take only a spoonful of it into her mouth and she will improve."

Suddenly, the dragon roared. The two looked and spotted a village right below them. Wooden houses were dotted all over the wide, green fields. It was Bearhelm! Einar was overjoyed.

The villagers were surprised and scared to see a dragon flying over them. Some went into their homes and took out swords and pitchforks. Some just stood, wrapt in mere curiosity. Some were even excited to see a dragon.

Mokma landed on a green clearing. Einar and Astelna dismounted, and right after they did, the angry villagers encircled them.

"What is this?" a man exclaimed, pointing his sword at the dragon. Momka was incensed, but Astelna tried to calm him down. "Some ambush, eh?"

"Who is this?" a woman with a pitchfork eyed Astelna. "Some spawn of the devil, I reckon. Never seen someone with pointy ears and strange clothing."

"Kill them! Kill them all!" screamed the other villagers.

"Wait!" Einar cried out, and the villagers became silent. "I am Einar of this village. You may not remember me, but I set out with my brother Uinar to the Harx Mountains to find the Dark Crystal that is capable of healing my mother who caught the Gray Fever. Uinar died, and so I must bring the Crystal, which I possess, to my mother, so that Death doesn't have to take her away."

"Liar!" the people exclaimed. "Kill them! Burn them!"

"WAIT!" a voice even louder than Einar's erupted and the crowd again became quiet, though quiet in indignation. A man stepped forward. He was elderly, but seemed to be filled with life. His old, brown eyes were gleaming. He wore a brown and read garment and on it was a leather belt. On his gray head was a feathered hat. He bade the people strongly move aside. He was the mayor of Bearhelm and his name was Giles.

"Listen, everyone," he said. "I know this man and I trust him, along with the elf and dragon. Don't harm them, or otherwise you'll be punished. It does make me happy to see an elf and a dragon for the first time, but now is not the time to be excited. Einar, your mother is still alive, but time is running out. You and the elf can follow me. And some of you villagers must watch the dragon. Do not harm him in any shape or form."

And with these words, the three ran quickly to the house where Einar's mother lay.

It was not far away and was like any other house in the village. Giles opened the door and led the two to the bedroom where she was. The house was just like Einar remembered: small, well-kept, and always smelled of food. He even remembered her bedroom, but now it pained his heart to see her suffering in bed.

Thick blankets covered her body, except for her head and arms. Her face was old but full of sweetness. She almost had no hair, but her eyes were the brightest blue. Indeed, her face was gray and full of tiny spots, but Einar thought of her as a beauty. He and Astelna knelt next to her bed. The woman looked and smiled at her son. She almost cried.

"My son," she croaked, touching his face like any mother would do to her child. "Oh, my son. I knew you would come back and save me." But she suddenly stopped smiling. "Where is Uinar? Where is my other son?"

Einar choked back a tear. "He's dead. He was murdered."

"What?" the mother whispered. Here tears flowed from her eyes like a river. "He's dead," she wailed. "First my husband, then my daughter, and now my son. Who killed him?" Einar was silent. "Tell me, now: who killed him." Silence. "I am his mother. I have the right to know. Who killed him?"

"If I told you, you would be angry."

"Of course I would be angry!" the mother exclaimed. She suddenly looked at Astelna. "She did it. The elf. She must have. She looks like a murderer to me. I told you repeatedly to never be around people like her." Here her eyes flashed with indignation. The sweetness was gone from her face.

"Mother, we have no time. You have to be cured!" Einar exclaimed.

"You can cure me after I get my revenge on her!" the mother cried out. "I will kill her!" She tried to get up. "I curse you, elf! I wish all harm would come down upon you! I wish all sicknesses would enter your body and make you rotten and foul. Wait until I get my hands on your neck!"

"Mother, NO!" Einar said, trying to calm his mother. Giles also aided him. "Please don't hurt her. I forgive her."

"So you will just forgive her just like that?" she snapped. "She must die!"

"You will die if you do not take the medicine," admonished Giles.

Einar looked and saw Astelna standing up. Tears began to roll down her face. "Astelna, here. Take the Crystal. Use the tip of one of your arrows to chip the Gem. And get a spoon, too. Quickly." Einar handed Astelna the Crystal and she did as she was told. Black liquid flowed smoothly out of the gem. She put some of it on a spoon and handed it to Einar. 

"I hate her!" the mother screamed wildly.

"Mother, she is a good person. I can see it in her. Give her a second chance. I love you, mother, to the very depths of my heart, but I can't bear to see you like this. You are dying. Take the liquid."

"NO! She must die first!" The mother used all her strength and she jumped out of bed, and ran towards the elf. Einar stood between his mother and Astelna. Giles tried to calm the sick woman down, but she furiously punched the mayor in the face and he fell to the floor, unconscious, with blood coming out of his nose. Einar was deeply shocked.

"You must not kill Astelna! And have mercy upon the mayor."

"I cannot kill her, why?" The woman's face was red with tears and indignation.

"Because...because..."

"Because WHAT?"

"Because I love her!" Astelna looked at Einar in surprise, but said nothing.

"In love with a murderer, especially the murderer of your own brother? Why, that's evil! I cannot believe my own son would do such a thing. She is not to be trusted. She must die!"

"I know that in the beginning she was cruel and heartless and had the guts to murder Uinar, but I now see the good in her. I used to doubt her and see her as an enemy spy, but now I see her as a beautiful, young woman who needs a chance to see the world and find her destiny. She was willing to help me be here and save you. If it weren't for her, I wouldn't be here. And Uinar, right before he died, said these words: My brother, do whatever it takes to make your mother alive. And here I am, trying to save you." 

The mother did not heed the last words. "I cannot believe you would fall in love with a killer. What do you see in her? Goodness? The only thing I see in her is devilry!"

"Please, take the medicine. Calm down, I beg of you. This will only make the predicament worse." But Einar could take it no longer. He forced the spoon into his mother's mouth. She exclaimed in disgust and spat the medicine out. She finally thought of a new plan. She took one of Astelna's arrows that was lying on the floor and threw it towards the elf. It pierced her shoulder and she cried out in pain.

"Astelna!" cried out Einar.

"Now, I will strangle you, elf!" said the mother. But at that moment, the three heard a voice. For Einar, it was familiar. It was the Crystal.

I'm sorry, but I must do what I must. It the will of the gods that this should happen.

The mother collapsed to the floor. Einar cried out in terror and knelt before her. He checked her heartbeat and pulse and could not believe his ears.

"She's dead," he said, and bent his head. Astelna, despite her pain, knelt next to him, and put her arm around him.


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Sun Aug 30, 2015 1:07 am
Carlito wrote a review...



Hello! I haven't read the previous chapters, so I will be looking at this as a part of a greater whole. But lets get this out of the green room, shall we? :)
(And happy review day!)

The sun was beginning to make its journey up into the world. It sent rays of yellow and orange into the soft, blue sky. It also painted the white and dark-blue clouds.

This is a pretty and poetic way to open a chapter. I would combine the second and third sentence into one.

Einar was already up, hoping with unease that he would see the village of Bearhelm in the distance.

"hoping with unease" sounds funny to me. I get what you're trying so say, but I think it's worded a little funny. Is there a way you can show his unease? Maybe he's pacing or biting his lip?

Astelna did not sleep through the night, as did the flying dragon. She did not need any sleep.

I think here you're saying that neither Astelna nor the dragon slept? "as did the" makes that a little confusing, in my opinion. I think you could say "...and neither did the flying dragon" or "Neither Astelna nor the flying dragon slept through the night." Something like that to group them together a little more and make it clear that neither of them slept.
And "She" in that second sentence. I might know this had I read the earlier installments, but is "she" Astelna or the dragon or both? Do neither of them need any sleep?

Some were even excited to see a dragon.

How do they know? You do a nice job what the fearful people do - how about the excited people?

"Mother, NO!" Einar said, trying to calm his mother.

I don't like the repetition of "mother". I think "his mother" could be simplified to "her".

She exclaimed in disgust and spat the medicine out. She finally thought of a new plan. She took one of Astelna's arrows that was lying on the floor and threw it towards the elf.

I wasn't a fan of the repetition of "she" to start each of these sentences. I don't think you need that second sentence. I think it slows down the pace and I would skip straight to the action of the third sentence. And I think those to sentences (the first and third) could be combined into one and that would get rid of that "she" repetition. Something like, "She exclaimed in disgust and spat the medicine out before taking one of Astelna's arrows from the floor and throwing it towards the elf."

Overall, I thought this chapter was well-executed. I got pretty nit-picky because this was a solid effort. I obviously don't know anything about the characters or the greater plot, but I followed this really well (and I'm not even a big fantasy person!). I thought the pacing was good - there was a lot of good action but it was interspersed with lovely descriptions and dialogue so it read really well.

I feel like this review isn't the most helpful, but you're doing a lot of things right, and I wish you luck with continuing your story! :)

Let me know if you have any questions or if anything I said was confusing!




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Sun Jul 26, 2015 2:17 pm
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Persistence wrote a review...



Hey! I have not read any previous chapters, but I like this.

Still, there are several thing I would like to point out.

First paragraph, third sentence. "It also painted the..." the "also" is unnecessary. You could say "It painted over the white..."

As far as I have noticed, this chapter is one hundred percent grammatically accurate. I filed to perceive any such flaws in it whatsoever. You have done an amazing job at it.

Now, I must discuss something extremely important. The dialogue seems forced, like it is not flowing naturally, and like the characters would not say what they said exactly the way they said it. Especially when the elder came into the scene.

"Listen everyone." Just imagine yourself in a position of authority. You want everybody to listen to your every word. "Hear me, people!" Now, doesn't this sound a little bit better?

"I know this man and I trust him, along with the elf and dragon. Don't harm them, or otherwise you'll be punished." This come across as too hasty. Now, what about:

"I know this man. I trust him. Therefore I trust the elf, and the dragon! Whoever harms any of them shall answer to me!"

Also the mother jumps to the conclusion that the elf girl killed her son way too soon. You could have said something about the elf giving away a guilty look, or they could have exchanged a few words about the matter before she realized the elf killed him. Or maybe she could have drunk the cure, then learnt that the elf girl killed her son, then she tries to kill the elf girl, and then finally the crystal kills her for it.

Anyway, just a few things I though you might want to consider. I hope my review helps!

This review courtesy of
Image






Thank you. I shall try and fix the mistakes. :)




Keep your face to the sunshine and you cannot see a shadow.
— Helen Keller