z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Rooftop

by DivergentDemigod


Sitting on the rooftop

Staring at the far away lights

Feeling the chill of the night’s wind

Sighing when it clears my mind.

~
Closing my eyes and

Feeling the chill of the night on my face

The way it plays with my hair

The sting it leaves on my bare arms

And its soft embrace

I love this feeling- to be afloat in the air.

~

Under the sky of a million stars

I’m alone, but not lonely

And after a very long time I feel really happy

The constant chatter of the mundane world

Seems far away right now

I’m alone here, on the roof top

And it’s quiet all around.

~

Lying down on the rooftop

I'm tranquil and all seems calm,

The wind feels good,

The night is peaceful,

And it’s well with my soul.

~

The silence of the night

Is invaded by the murmurs of the wind

But it feels comfortable

And slowly I’m drifting towards sleep.

~

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8 Reviews

Points: 54
Reviews: 8

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Sat Apr 01, 2017 6:29 pm
Niteesh wrote a review...



The way you've described is amazing.I could clearly feel rather visualize what you were trying to convey.Beautifully conveyed.
My favourite part was
"Under the sky of a million stars
I’m alone, but not lonely".
The rooftop is such a place,it brings out the best from us.we feel disconnected with the world, but it is a place where we actually talk with the inner us,talk with the surroundings,talk with the stars,such a beautiful place.
Keep describing the way you feel,I am so glad i've read such an amazing one.






thank you :)



User avatar
8 Reviews

Points: 54
Reviews: 8

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Sat Apr 01, 2017 6:24 pm
Niteesh says...



The way you've described is amazing.I could clearly feel rather visualize what you were trying to convey.Beautifully conveyed.
My favourite part was
"Under the sky of a million stars
I’m alone, but not lonely".
The rooftop is such a place,it brings out the best from us.we feel disconnected with the world, but it is a place where we actually talk with the inner us,talk with the surroundings,talk with the stars,such a beautiful place.
Keep describing the way you feel,I am so glad i've read such an amazing one.




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174 Reviews

Points: 3255
Reviews: 174

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Sat Feb 13, 2016 11:59 pm
soundofmind wrote a review...



This was a really sweet poem! I felt like I could really envision what you were describing, and it all felt very real. It sounds just as relaxing as it should be, since this is what you do to relax when you come back home from a long day.

Sitting on the rooftop

Staring at the far away lights

Feeling the chill of the night’s wind

Sighing when it clears my mind.


I especially love the first four lines. They do a great job of setting the scene.

There were a few little things that I wanted to comment on!

The sting it leaves on my bare arms

And its soft embrace


If the cold stings, is it's embrace actually soft? I get what you're saying, but on my first read they seemed a little contradictory. Maybe there's a better way to word it? Can you specify or make it clearer that maybe, the chill is what stings, and the wind (or breeze) is what softly embraces you? Unless it is both a pleasant and unpleasant thing. Or maybe the chill isn't unpleasant to you at all, which is alright too!

The constant chatter of the mundane world

Seems faraway right now


Is "faraway" one word? Or should it be "far away?"

Lying down on the rooftop

My tranquil seems calm


I had to look up the word tranquil just to make sure I knew what it meant, because I was confused. Tranquil seems to be used as a noun here, but it means (according to google) to be free from disturbance; calm. With that definition, it's almost like you're saying your calmness is calm, which is kind of repetitive. Did you mean to use a different word? Or maybe you could say something like "I am tranquil, all seems calm?"

But it feels comfortable

And slowly I’m drifting towards sleep.


I feel like "slowly I drift to sleep," would sound better here. ^u^

I really enjoyed the poem! It was really relaxing and enjoyable to read. If it's this relaxing, I'm surprised you don't do stuff like this every day! Perhaps if you did, though, the affect would wear off after a while, heh.






Hey there thanx for the review. I'll make sure I correct the things you pointed. And yeah if I do stuff like that everyday its magical effect will not be the same. ;)



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9 Reviews

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Reviews: 9

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Sat Feb 13, 2016 7:17 pm
plantedheart says...



i really enjoyed the ending, it was very satisfying. Stanza three is quite beautiful as well, I am a very lonely person and my heart connected with the lines.






I'm glad that my poem connected with you and thanx for the review. :-D



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45 Reviews

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Reviews: 45

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Sat Feb 13, 2016 12:43 pm
Costa wrote a review...



Hey, this was pretty enjoyable. I remember, back in the day, going up to the roof of my house to watch the stars and whatnot, so this poem gave me a good dose of nostalgia, as so many of your lines helped me visualize what I'd seen.
I believe it's meant to be QUIET around here, though:

And it’s quite all around.


Good job!






Thanx for the review :)




No one is perfect; not even your reflection.
— Chalkboard Words