Dark
No light around me
A pit of sadness and grief
Whoever will set me free
Light
Flashy, bright, and clean
A field of warmth and sunshine
This is my true scene
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Canary word: Present
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,804 Reviews
This is Kaos here for a review!
I didn't really feel that the haikus, either of them, defined themselves without the titles, or at least very well. My main problem with this is that it didn't really add anything to the idea of darkness. Darkness is bad and the light is good, we get it. It doesn't really give the reader anything else to think about, and the imagery doesn't even describe itself in any new ways, making it dull and tasteless. Maybe the dark isn't that bad, maybe it still is, but describe it in a way that isn't just generic.
It seems that you kind of choose to avoid punctuation and I feel that this hurt both poems. They would have flowed through better and looked better if you added punctuation. It would add more power to the lines instead of them feeling so awkwardly placed, but rewording would help. The third line here feels like a question, so it should probably have a question mark? Just a thought.
I had most of the same problems with this as I did the last haiku. It just feels like it's been done before so many times. We get it, the sunshine is good and warm and everything of that sort. Most people think that too. It's just the basic observations that weigh the poem down and keep it from getting any strong images across. That's the basis of haikus, is the imagery of nature, so try to focus and narrow in on that so it can be better. You're only scratching the surface here, so dig deeper.
I hope this helped and have a great day!
These are not haiku.
Fundamentally, Haiku take two symbols from nature (more specifically two from a list that's been generated over centuries) and fashion them into the 5-7-5 pattern that most people automatically assume is a haiku by default. These natural images, when juxtaposed, present a query on the human condition and a wad of gum for the reader to chew on for a good while.
What we have here are Senryu, which are the human-based 5-7-5 (which is a flexible pattern, btw) shadow of the haiku.
Light could arguably qualify as haiku, though certainly poor in construction and quality. Both are very obvious in meaning and leave the reader nothing to ponder post-read. You also alienate punctuation, which is quintessential to the construction of the haiku as you have, typically:
5 image (soft stop)
7 descriptor (hard stop)
5 juxtaposed image (hard stop)
It's a simple formula once you get the hang of it, but certainly requires attention.
Analyzing the senryu you've given me, matters are still obvious and dull, overdone. You have the bleakness of dark and the warmth of light. Nice sentiment, poor execution. I encourage you to try and salvage these--possibly even merge into one senryu or one haiku since light and dark are naturally juxtaposed concepts, and would serve well as images for beginning haiku.
I hope this helps,
Ty