Chapter 2
10 thousand years of difference
Models of sexual activity range from women having many partners
like in some tribes in the Amazon, through an exclusive sexual relation between
two people like in western societies, to a patriarchal dominance with one man
having many women like in Islamic countries. It is important for that
discussion to divide love into three systems. One is the sex drive which is
craving for sexual gratification, another is the experience of early love, a romantic
love which is similar to a cocaine rush, and the last one is the feeling of
attachment which helps us bind together with a partner for a time long enough to
raise children.
Frequency of intercourse varies between couples. The average number is
around 70 per year for young people and is decreasing with age. People
instinctively create relationships with partners of similar sex drive yet still
the most common root of misunderstanding is the regularity of sex. Pressure on
a partner is mostly attributed to men wanting more sex and not receiving it but
happens with women as well. Preference of anal sex in only one partner may not
cause severe conflict but is common. Disapproval often has religious
background. There is much more women with that preference than was once
thought, not satisfied by their male partners.
A lot of women do not talk about their interest in this type of
intercourse.
A potential conflict exists between two partners when one of them is not
fully manifesting more complex sexual preferences. As far as a simple fantasy
that is harmless and happens to most of the people, some paraphilias lead to
distress in an exclusive relationship. In
a popular television series Desperate Housewives one of the main female characters
is having problems satisfying her husband who hides preference to sadistic and
masochistic practices. In cases like this people often do not find common
language and the outcomes of a compromise are very poor. Individuals often seek
sexual gratification outside of a relationship. In some cases people decide to
stay together because of material situation, family or simply deep attachment. One
of the most extreme situations happens with dependant personality disorder
which is observed most commonly in women. To some extent everyone is afraid of
leaving a partner but here we have a person devoting whole life to another in
any circumstances, withholding anger, being always loving and loyal. Individuals
sometimes suffer injury being completely submissive to a partner during sex.
All of the above problems may lead people to look for other ways of
finding sexual satisfaction. One of them is pornography. The latest Diagnostic
and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders does not consider viewing pornography
as a mental disorder. Viewing excessive amounts of pornography can be caused by
sexual addiction which is a clinical term but is very broad. Many authors refer
to cybersex addiction instead. Mentioned issues may be complications of hypersexuality. This term is used to describe
individuals who excessively engage in sexual activity and demonstrate behaviors
such as compulsive masturbation and cybersex addiction. It may be related to
bipolar disorder and Kluver-Bucy syndrome. The latter is caused by damage to a
part of brain due to infection, stroke and many other causes. It is interesting that recent studies indicate
a strong predilection in religious people to believe they are addicted to
pornography regardless of the impact it has on their lives. Internet pornography
and other activities termed broadly cybersex are causing a lot of problems in a
modern society.
Some women do watch porn but this activity is assigned mostly to men. It
is often interchangeably used with real sex with a partner. Answer to a
question how does it affect us is not simple. Everyone even without a research
knows that watching a lot of porn in most cases lowers our interest in having
sex with our partner. This is in case we have similar sexual preference. Otherwise viewing pornography can be the outcome of a sexual conflict where we intend not
to participate in sexual activities that we do not like. As far as viewing porn
leads to our pursue of new excitement and adventure with the content becoming
more bizarre every next time we view It, everybody have to reach a plateau and
a following drop in that excitement. It
is well known that viewing porn on a regular basis can lower our libido or even
lead to impotence. It is hard to imagine dying from too much porn but much
easier to imagine dying from too much drugs. We stop working for a delayed
gratification. Every drug addict, even the ones that continue use of
drugs with alleged happiness are suffering on a conscious level. Frequently
people say that they can stop using the drug at any point but they cannot
relate to any other behavior that makes sense in their life. It is connected with a slow
degeneration of the brain with preservation only of the parts responsible for
the activities leading to an immediate gratification. It can be very easily visualized by an imaging study of the brain called functional MRI. It gives some perspective
on a continuous use of porn and gives a little answer to the big question. We
have a space in our mind for spikes of happiness and if it is not used properly
we will find the easiest way to occupy it.
Viewing pornography can cause a
real problem and studies show a growing number of young men having erectile
dysfunction due to heavy porn use. Viewing pornography on a regular basis leads
to changes in our reward system like in any other type of addiction. We need
growing stimulation so we look for a bigger stimulus until we cannot find one.
That is the point when we start having problems with sexual desire. In normal circumstances a partner that finds
out about this type of behavior feels betrayed. Some couples watch pornography
together or in some instances a partner accepts the other one viewing pornography,
although it is often directed by a lack of choice of the individual accepting
this situation. Breaking the addiction can cause a variety of symptoms similar
to breaking an addiction from other drugs. It happens in true cases of
addiction to pornography which in some studies occurs in only 1% of internet
users. The negative effects of viewing porn are reversible when the behavior is
stopped.
An erotic relationship has its ups and downs, with the sexual desire
waxing and waning and coming back in phases. In order to keep our interest we
need to keep being attractive to each other by many means. Although no interest
in sex can be a baseline characteristic for both men and women it is rare to be
completely asexual. Also challenges of parenthood
and our busy schedule play a role. Other people have problems in arranging the
background for a proper sexual contact. There are plenty of reasons which can
be described on a psychological level such as anxiety, distrust, possessiveness
as well as low self esteem and stagnation which can lead to a crisis of
imagination. To build desire we need to have a sense of a journey, a bridge to
cross. Being free and not losing ourselves in that freedom is a key point of
our sexuality. Just as much we need to create a good sexual background for our partner. Nelson Mandela once said
“For to be free is not merely to
cast off one's chains, but to live in a way that respects and enhances the
freedom of others”. Staying predictable and being novel, being familiar
but also mysterious, having an exclusive relationship but also being opened –
all of this seems to be a paradox.
In case of a partner that does not meet our
sexual preferences the choices that we can make are not clear. An obvious but
somewhat idyllic solution is communication, letting another person slowly take
over our needs and fantasies. And giving back, learning our partners and their
sexual desires. The truth is that it rarely works and people stay together
unsatisfied which affects the ground of their everyday life.
All of this will never
completely solve another paradox that we stand upon in an exclusive
relationship. We can have a feeling of deep attachment to one person and at the
same time be romantically in love with another. There is nothing wrong in being
attracted to other people and sex for tens of thousands of years was a bonding
device rather than a tool for procreation. Our ancestors are believed to have
had many sexual relations at the same point in time and the development of
agriculture about ten thousand years ago has led to a new model in which a
woman promised her fidelity to a man who offered her goods like meat, shelter
and protection. For only a couple of decades women are going back to the working
force using their skills and intellect in the global market and changing this
trend. Now both genders are free to decide who they want to spend their life
with. Arthur Schopenhauer wrote: “Man can do what
he wills but he cannot will what he wills”. Everyone have to find
their middle ground. Most of
relationships that cannot cope with that problem do not survive.
Points: 74
Reviews: 134
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