Snake Pit

Hello fallenoutofgrace! CHRISSY321 here with a helpful review!
*Happy Review Day!*

Hi there! I think that this is such a cute story! The way the kid really relates to people in the real world, going to a water park, whining about sunscreen- so cute, so relatable! I hope this review helps! Have some fixes!

" “Gross, why do I need sunscreen on? wheregoing to be in the water all day mom,” he asked."

You fix 'wheregoing' to 'We're going' You want to spell we're correctly and capitalize! This happens other times, but I am only going to point out one more:

" Knox lowered his pale green eyes “Yea, outdid you have to put that much on” he asked. "
You fix 'Yea' into 'Yeah' because it seems more formal. Also, I did not understand where you said 'outdid' I think you meant to say 'did you' instead, it sounds better!

Hope this stuff helps! Other than those things, I thought this story was cute! Great job! Keep Writing!

fixing some of the spaces and such


()=i suggest
{}= it was wrong
--= spelling fix


The sun scorched the ground below mingling with the gentle wind to create the most refreshing water day ever. Knox looked up, his limbs fighting to remain as they waited in line for Dorney Park .Looking up at the looming towers combined with the iron-fenced area. With snoopy the dog dying in the heat of the day yet still making the little kids giggles and explodes in glee. This was the first time he ever came to the Water Park, as well as going on the dreaded snake pit. The snake pit consisted of three tubes ranging from colors and thrills dropping you to your intended doom, as the trapdoor drops you into the best thirty seconds of your life.

The sick cool of the dreaded sunscreen wrapped around his already paper white skin, the slow dripping sensation.

“Gross, why do I need sunscreen on? -Were- going to be in the water all day mom,” he (said). He despised sunscreen, his memories flickering back to when he was young and Aunt Helga dumping the entire tube of sunscreen over his head rubbing it in that would make the men who invited Indian burns envious{.}

“Because if you don’t you’ll look like a lobster for a week” the soft tone of his mother’s voice, moving to rub in the rest of the sunscreen until the white subsided from his now oily skin. Try to burn through that{,} she thought to herself. Looking at that smiling face covered in freckles{.} It made her ecstatic to see that smiling freckled face of Knox.

Knox lowered his pale green eyes “Yea, but did you have to put that much on” he asked.

His mother laughed “Well look at it this way, now you’ll go faster down the water slides” she countered the line moved faster as they passed through the check in with breeze.

Knox beamed half dragging, half racing through the labyrinth that was the park, his heart escalating with joy as he saw the viper’s hissing face the sign blaring Snake Pit. His baggy swim trunks with Spiderman blasting his webs moved from side to side as if Spiderman to was racing for the line, his soft brown hair blew up slightly as a gentle breeze blew by.

“How much longer do you think?” he asked as the two of them walked as if the sidewalk were red hot coals to the line, as they stood the line reminded him of a snake itself twirling and slowly slithering forward.

“About ten minutes sweetie, don’t worry{,}the line {is} picking up” she (smiled, ruffling his hair.)

“Which tube do you think you’re going to take?” he asked as they progressed further to their final destination.

“I don’t know yet sweetie, maybe the blueone seems the straightest,” she answered her pale blue eyes trailing the endless maze of crisscrossing tubes.

Knox nodded, soon the line picked up until he was next in line. Cautiously he propelled himself on trembling legs to -third- tube, nervous energy buzzing over him like a swarm of bees.

He looked over to his mom to his right as her feet were dropped and the spasm of her arms and legs trying to grip the sides.

The women in charge, was an older woman with grey strands littering her face. She looked over to Knox with a soft smile that knew this was his first time on the ride.

“Cross your arms and legs like this sweetie and keep them crossed” she said demonstrating to him what it should look like.

He felt his head shaking as he followed what she instructed; “{O}kay” he said looking down at the flap that would send him falling.

“Now on the count of three you’ll be going down” she stated moving to her microphone counting down “Three… Two… One…” the hiss of air opening the traps echoed through.

The cartoon of wily coyote came to mind;when he runs off the cliff and for that split second where he’s standing on air before falling. Knox was the coyote.

His hands and legs surged outward trying to grasp the pexi glass to keep from falling, a look of sheer terror blazed across his face as he fell. Water foamed, rushing through ever crevice and around him flipping him upside down in a continuous loop in the tube.

The words from earlier from the older women echoes through his frantic skull of keeping his legs crossed, when the next turned flipped him again he crossed everything as tightly as he could,feeling as if a python was suffocating him. It was amazing. He no longer toppled and slid, he remained straight as an arrow enjoying everything until he shot out the tube faster than a speeding bullet.

His mother stood at the edge of the pool,strands of blonde wet mangled hair matched; and a Cheshire grins matching as his excited legs burst ready to go again.

“Come on lets go again!” he beamed,already yanking his mother’s wet hand back in line.

“Having fun{,} sport{?}” she asked.

“Of course” He beamed.