Published May 9, 2008
Confusion in every thought
A life put on the line
One heart, recently broken.
One heart, recently found.
A new connection,
waiting to happen?
Or an old one,
waiting to be broken?
No light, leading which way.
No voice, calling your name.
No feeling, pulling you this way.
No heart, moving you that way.
Just stuck in the middle,
No which way to turn.
Just sitting there, waiting,
seeing which one will burn.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,529 Literary Works • 672,599 Reviews
I'm going to skim over the structural content and issue with commas in this work. In any case, the others before me have pointed it out and I'm taking into account that this is first draft material.
The concept was good in this poem, but once again I didn't quite feel the power and emotion behind the words. It had me thinking...did the speaker actually make a choice? Have they really felt the pain and loss? It's better, don't get me wrong, but it didn't blow me away.
I really liked the last stansa:
This sort of made the poem for me, and made all my other issues with it seem insignificant. Just make the middle a little stronger and we will be onto a win. Rhyming at the last stansa is a technique I often use.
Can't wait to read more work, and keep writing the dream!
Eimear
I got a little confused as there was good rhyming in the last stanza and in the other ones not really anything.
I feel the same way about the third stanza as CassandraInvisible. I think it's because of the "way".
One heart, recently broken.
One heart, recently found.
I liked these two lines for some reason.
All in all, nice job for three minutes or whatsit
Demeter
For writing it so quickly, it was great. I couldn't really feel the emotion. It was good, but who or what are we talking about in it? Please try to clear that up.
You have comma problems. The third stanza would sound so much better if you just took out all of the commas. It would give it a better rhythm and make it easier for the reader to read. The commas after "one heart.." aren't necessary, either.
Otherwise it's not too bad. Nothing special, either. Work on it a little more, add some better words, and it'll probably end up working better.
All in all, a well constructed poem for something written so quickly.
I'm not too sure why, but I don't like this stanza. I think it might have something to do with the repetition, it just doesn't seem to flow when I read it. It kind of sounds like you were forced to use that wording. Try switching the words around for something smoother.
I don't think the comma after there is completely neccesary. It kind of stalled me when I was reading it.
That's all from me =D