What if...

Love is complicated. When you hit that point of realization that you love someone, and will do anything to see them happy—there’s another part of you that hesitates and asks the questions… what if I get hurt? What if I hurt him? What if this doesn’t work out? What if...

But then he smiles at you, or gives you this look that makes your heart melt and you find yourself exactly where you were before… stumbling blindly in a tangled mess of “what-ifs,” and vainly hoping for something that can never be…

***

Is it true what they say about falling in love? Do you really fall? I already do plenty of that on accident. But falling in love is an accident, right?

I look up at the velvety black sky above me, and the glittering stars wink mockingly at me, as if they know all the secrets.

I sigh heavily, closing my eyes for an instant. I know I shouldn’t be on the roof right now. I can’t be in my room though, the memories are suffocating me.

Is he thinking about me right now? I can never push him from my thoughts. He exists in every moment whether I want him to or not. I try closing my eyes, only to see his gentle smile, his compassionate expression, those soft gray eyes searching mine…

I long to go to him now, to tell him I lied—that I do love him. I want to feel his warm embrace, to put my ear to his chest simply to ensure there is a heart unbroken, still beating, despite my unforgivable words…

I wish I could tell him everything. I want to run to him and explain why I can’t be with him, why any kind of life with me would only lead to death and misery.

I wish I wasn’t cursed.

I choke on an unexpected sob, blinking in surprise at the tears splattering into my hand. The emotion takes over, and I feel myself break within.

A car pulls up into the driveway. I shuffle quickly away from the light of the window to avoid being noticed. I listen carefully to hear who is at the door.

The sound of his voice kicks my heart into a stuttering beat. I hear footsteps ascending to my bedroom. I glance towards my window, frozen in horror.

“Sonora?” I hear Camille’s soft voice through the crack of my window. “Ford is here… he wants to talk to you…”

I feel sad just hearing his name.

“Honey, I know you’re upset with him, but he really seems down about everything and…” her voice continues, but I concentrate on my escape. I look over the edge of my roof. It isn’t that far down. I slowly and stealthily stretch my body to its extent to reach the ledge. I feel the tiles of the roof with my fingertips to feel my way down.

I let my legs carefully bend as my waist meets the edge, and then bring myself down slowly to the length my arms will let me. I estimate a drop of about five feet to the pavement. I breathe deeply before letting myself down, exhaling when I reach the ground, I bend at the knees to lessen the shock of my fall.

I smile with a triumphant feeling as I straighten up.

And there he is.

Sitting on the porch step, his arms rest casually on his knees as he looks calmly at me. I blink, biting the inside of my cheek to suppress the immature groan attempting to escape.

He stands, sighing as he approaches me, while his eyes study the ground to avoid my bitter expression. I hold my ground.

“Sonora…” he begins, finally bringing his soft gray eyes to my own. “I just want to know why.”

My long black hair flutters in my face as a breeze whispers through us. It seems to be chanting like the ancestors I have learned to despise for the curse they have caused to fall upon me.

“I can’t.” I say helplessly, feeling the tears escape my eyes again.

Tenderness floods his face, and he gently tilts my chin up towards his face.

“Do you love me Sonora?” He asks abruptly.

I don’t answer.

He kisses me softly, and I continue to cry.

“Sonora,” he whispers, “talk to me. Please.”

I blurt through a sob, “I don’t want to hurt you, Ford.”

He pauses, cradling my face in his large hands, brushing tears away with his thumb.

“Listen to me Sonora,” he says firmly, “I love you. And nothing else matters.”

He kisses me again, bringing me close to him.

Finding no retreat, I surrender, losing myself in the few precious moments I would have left with him.