He’s probably holding her hand right now, I thought numbly as my hand searched the soapy water for the wash cloth, but I don’t care.
He was my best friend, and his happiness came before mine—self-sacrificing person that I am, I mused, tucking a strand of hair behind my ear. I had helped him gain the girl of his dreams, and now he was happy. So why was it so hard to keep a smile on my face? Why was there a hollow feeling where my heart should be, a dull ache rippling through my veins with every beat that didn’t exist.
I recalled last night’s events with quiet humility.
We all sat around at his house, I had slyly forced Annie to take the remaining seat next to James while I planted myself in the over-stuffed rocking chair. The movie started, and I squinted through the dark to observe the progress.
Then a sudden glance toward James and his sheepish grin as he caught my eye made me realize she was leaning on his shoulder, their tangled mess of hands was a clear comprehension that hit me harder than a semi-truck. I returned the smile, a glow within my heart when I saw my friend happy. That was the first feeling.
Then it slowly faded to torturous pain that I couldn’t understand. I was so worried that it would change everything, that now he had the love of his life—he would easily forget the friendship we had. I was no longer important, scheduling would be carefully edged around Annie, and I was no longer relevant to the happiness of his life.
I wanted to cry. Right there in the darkness, light from the television blaring accusingly into my face; and I struggled to distort it into a happy one.
Finally I couldn’t take it. The pain was too great, and it would be embarrassing to let emotions get the better of me right in front of my friends. I escaped with a wink, hoping he might interpret it as my intentions for them to be alone.
The warm tears gushed quietly down my cheeks as I drove home, and I blubbered between each intake of breath. My best friend wouldn’t need me anymore.
But I would need him. It would be my secret. I would never, ever tell him how much I needed him.
So here I was, Friday night and cleaning the house in desperation to keep my mind busy. I didn’t want to obstruct any of James’s plans; I knew the priorities he had now. Usually he and I would hang out; go to a movie or just stay at one of our houses and talk.
And now I had no one. I was alone, bursting with a hushed pain. I endured in silence for the love of my friend. Secrets, I thought dully. I scrubbed harder at a stubborn stain on the counter, furiously scouring the pain away. Yet it persisted, and I looked around for something else to do.
I sat on the deck on the soft swinging chair that was my favorite. I watched the sun somber towards the mountains, spilling its golden light onto the fields of sunflowers. I wrapped my arms around my knees and rested my chin between them, and sighed.
So many beautiful memories. Suddenly there was an anger that pulsed within me, making my eyes flutter and breath quicken.
How dare he.
How dare he abandon me, leaving me to wallow in my own disgusted misery. It was just plain selfishness, and I would be broken forever because of it.
The door opened, and I expected it to be Jenny wanting me to read her a story before she went to sleep.
“Go away,” I grumbled, without looking up.
“Oh, come on. Don’t tell me you’re going to turn me away after I drove fifteen miles to come see you.”
I looked up in surprise,
“James,” I said, unfolding myself and standing up. “What are you doing here? Where’s Annie?”
He looked down, smiling crookedly.
“Annie is at home, making up with her ex-boyfriend.” He chuckled, examining my flabbergasted expression.
“Oh, James, I’m so sorry. Did she tell you why?” I asked gently, ignoring the excited triumph that sang in my head.
“No,” he muttered.
“What a—”
I was about to call her a word I might regret, but he interrupted me, shaking his head.
“I told her why.” he looked at me with intensity, a fire in his eyes.
“Wait—you—no. What?”
“I broke up with her, Melanie,” He whispered, “Because I’m in love with you.”
There was a sudden lump in my throat, and the silence was too great for me to swallow without embarrassing myself. How could this be possible? It had never crossed my mind that he could possibly have feelings for me. He had never made advances, never shown more than brotherly affection. Secrets, my conscience whispered.
He smiled, looking down again before taking a step towards me. The wind tossed his hair, his deep green eyes bore into mine.
“I love you, Melly. I know you better than anyone else. I know every fleck of gold in your eyes, and every secret in your smile. I love the way your heart beats a little faster when I’m close to you, the way you blush when I tease you.
“I dream about you almost every night. Every time I close my eyes it’s your face I see. I could never hold the hand of Annie—or any other girl for that matter—without thinking about how I longed for it to be you. I want to hold you close to me forever, to feel your soft breath on my face and to see the glitter in your eyes when you laugh.
“But more than anything, I pray that you might feel the same way. That someday, I would be lucky enough to feel your soft hand in mine. To know that you love me too—impossible to match the height of love I feel for you—but enough to let me have you.
“Little Melly,” He gently touched my cheek, “I love you darling, please tell me you love me too.”
I felt like a small child, my eyes wide with surprise—and was it delight? Did I love him too? The hand he held to my face remained; his thumb gently brushed my face, light as a feather. Warmth flooded through me, it was so violent I almost shivered.
I stared James, surprised to remember the boy that ate mud pies with me when we were little; the boy I had eaten strawberry ice cream with at Little Cream Corner every Wednesday after school in fourth grade, the boy that came home with a bloody nose from getting in a fight with a bully that stole my pink sparkly pencil in seventh grade. I recalled the boy that began to grow up a little in high school, returning home with more profound wounds as he protected my broken heart from unworthy boyfriends. I thought of the boy that held me in his arms as I cried in his shoulder when my mother died when I was in eleventh grade.
And fresh out of our senior year, here was the boy that had become a man; one I would always love and hold closest to my heart.
“Yes, James,” I whispered, “I love you too.”
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,808 Reviews
That was really good. This actually reminds me a bit of a situation I was going through just a few weeks ago, only I was the Annie in your story. There are some spelling and grammatical errors and I agree with the first reviewer: "I recalled last night’s events with quiet humility. We all sat around at his house, I had slyly forced Annie to take the remaining seat." <-- Not bad, but not good transitioning. Otherwise, it was a sweet story, I liked it.
I like it, but it's a bit short. It seems fairly, I don't know, wasted- the girl cries, he comes, happy ending. I think you need to expand on it a bit more. Readers will probably feel more satisfied at the end, having held their breaths at your expense, if there was something to actually hold their breath for. You know? It's really well written, but this could easily have three parts or 2 long ones that would lead the reader on a journey. The confusion and the tears Melanie spend doesn't quite bring tears to my eyes, because I don't understand all she's been through and it hasn't yet held an importance to me yet. Therefore, the ending seems a little cheesy when he staggers in and goes all, "OMGI'velovedyouforeverMARRYME". Ya' know?
I really love your style. It's really clear and enjoyable. I just thought you should expand on this short story a little more. :]
Wow. Thanks so much for all the reviews!
For those of you who think it's cliche--or cheesy (put me on a cracker cheesy, thanks ; )) thanks for your opinions they are all politely acknowleged ha ha. I appreciate all of the detailed comments!
-FA
Hello there.
This was very-super-awesomely-cute, I must agree with everyone on that, however cheesy it was.
Mkay, so, the second paragraph was great. You do a great job of conveying her emotions there. The only thing that bothered me was this:
"Why was there a hollow feeling where my heart should be, a dull ache rippling through my veins with every beat that didn’t exist.",
because it needed a question mark at the end, rather than a period.
Another part I really enjoyed reading was this: "I sat on the deck on the soft swinging chair that was my favorite. I watched the sun somber towards the mountains, spilling its golden light onto the fields of sunflowers. I wrapped my arms around my knees and rested my chin between them, and sighed." The word choices and descriptions you used here were wonderful. The paragraph painted a beautiful picture in my mind.
My biggest complaint would be the cheesiness of James's proclamation of love to Melanie. Sure, it was really cute, but it was also really cliche` and fake. I understand that it would be kind of hard to write something like that, making it natural and whatnot, but still, that's something you could work at in the future.
My absolute favorite part of this story is where she's having the flashbacks to James as he's growing up. That pumps some originality and feeling into this peice, I think, and I loved it.
Hope that helped.
Uh...umm...
Okay, so it's a girl who digs her best friend and sets him up with another girl and he comes back because he really loves her.
Very nicely written, I think, but I didn't sit well with me for some reason. I usually gush over romantic stuff, but it felt just cheesy. Like..."put me on a cracker" cheesy. Ah...i feel like that's how every girl WANTS it to be, but it usually isn't like that to be honest. Maybe I am just an angry cynical person but I couldn't believe it. There was absolutely no climax, I think. I mean, there was one, but it was so little, poquito chiquitito. So, yeah, I would extend it. I would blow it up, like HUGE. Because that little soliloquy homeboy was spitting was unbelievably unbelievable. I mean, honestly? If he was so perceptive why didn't he say something prior to her trying to set him up with another chick? And how did he start talking about this other girl in front of the woman he loves? That don't make no sense. What was his motive? I think the girl was cool. I really like how she was developed, but if you are going to paint a picture of this dude being her dream dude, you need to give him some kind of character development. Don't just drop him into the story with some cheesy speech of how much he loves her.....but maybe I'm just cynical after all.
Oh, but if you are going to give him this soliloquy, he should...you know...not talk in the same style and form as the chick. You know? Allow him to have his own voice. Change sentence structure. Shift commas. Make it seem more like the girl isn't DREAMING that's what he says to her.
I agree with *JADEREDNALIH* this is a very good story i love it please let me know if there is going to be a second part
i loved it
i loved it as much as james loves melly
every second that i read i loved
other people are critiquing this and that
well i could tell them something to critique
It happens in life and the only reson people critique stories like this is because they dont have the feelings to understand it
i think it was fantastic
if you dont agree then go screw a tree stump
I liked this story. It felt so real and I loved the way you didcribed her feelings.
The energy and perspective in this was amazing. Possibly because I feel the exact, exact, exact, EXACT same way.(:
I think this is one of those stories where you have to experiance these feelings
to truly understand it.
In any case, here are the mistakes I cought:
I sat on the deck on the soft swinging chair that was my favorite
This sounds strange to me, I think it needs a coma after chair.
I wrapped my arms around my knees and rested my chin between them, and sighed.
Something about this sentenced bothers me too /:
“I love you, Melly. I know you better than anyone else. I know every fleck of gold in your eyes, and every secret in your smile. I love the way your heart beats a little faster when I’m close to you, the way you blush when I tease you.
“I dream about you almost every night. Every time I close my eyes it’s your face I see. I could never hold the hand of Annie—or any other girl for that matter—without thinking about how I longed for it to be you. I want to hold you close to me forever, to feel your soft breath on my face and to see the glitter in your eyes when you laugh.
“But more than anything, I pray that you might feel the same way. That someday, I would be lucky enough to feel your soft hand in mine. To know that you love me too—impossible to match the height of love I feel for you—but enough to let me have you.
“Little Melly,” He gently touched my cheek, “I love you darling, please tell me you love me too.”
That has to be about the cutest thing I've ever heard to this day. I don't think I've heard anything cuter or more sweet since something Edward has said in the Twilight serious.
Very good job(:
This was very nice and I enjoyed it loads much.
(:
I really liked this, though I do have a few small corrections/criticisms/whatever you want to call them. They aren't anything to do you with you writing really, just things you might not have noticed.
1. I know that I often notice this when its not really a problem, it just stands out a lot to me but I was wondering if it would be better if you used a different word from pain in some instances. You use it 4 times in the peace, which doesn't sound much but seeing as there are so many words for pain out there you could maybe try some others?
2. I was quite unsure about the ages of the people in this passage. I thought at first that they were probably 14/15 and it wasn't really serious, then you did the driving home thing which was good because it prepared me for the love confessions which would really have confused me if they were only 14. If it's possible it might be a good idea to hint at their ages at the beginning.
Other than that I think it was really good, especially the descriptions of feelings. I think it was skillful the way you showed us how she was feeling instead of just saying that she was upset. It helps us learn more about who she is from how she reacts to things.
Also it was quite cheesy, but I think because it was a short story it was good that way. Something less moving would have made it quite bland.
xxxxx
That was amazing
Sorry my review is not long but, I don't have anything to correct 
Ahhh I loved this story!! After reading the title I guessed that it would be good, and I was right! It was written well, except for some parts but those were already pointed out. I smiled a lot as I read the last few paragraphs. Great work!
Wow. what can i say? this piece was BEAUTIFULLY written. i liked how you used bigger, stronger, more emphatic words (than i would have lol). it was beautiful and nothing about it should be changed. great work!
Wow. Everybody said what I wanted to say.
Like the errors, and the oh-my-gosh-this-is-so-cute-I-LOVE-IT!!! part, the I-totally-feel-her-pain part, and everything else.
LUFFIT! *squeals*
Keep up the good work. -thumbs up-
-Judith
Awww! How cute!! I love it! Only one thing I saw that was a little confusing. at the beginning, you wrote:
It kind of sounded like she was in the bathtub until you got to this part:
Other than that, I loved it! At the beginning, it kind of sounded like what I was going through. Now I'm just waiting for the end. ^_^
Wow, that's two stories in a row that has almost made me cry. Tha means that you're a really good writer, or I'm just being all toachy and feely. I really love this! good job.
Jaderednalih (Or anyone else that wants to read this),
Hi. Thank you for reading my story : ) I'm glad that you were able to relate to it.
I'm sorry about your best friend, I can sympathize completely. Right now I have a guy best friend that is ruining everything we've worked for in a friendship. I usually vent my feelings in my writing, but in this case no, (to answer your question) this was not something that actually happened to me. These are all fictional characters I fantasize with and that go through experiences I despitefully long for.
The guy I mentioned earlier--the best friend--is beginning to turn into the (aka monster : )) as you so beautifully put it. He's turning out to be a player, and is now using our close friendship as a reason to try and hold my hand and get action bla bla bla you get it. It really hurts, because I've always wanted a friendship that would last forever--I mean I've always believed true love comes from a true friendship. (Okay I'm done venting to Dr. Phill if anyone cares)...
But in this fictional little story that everyone wishes might happen to them someday is just a figment of my imagination. HOWEVER, that doesn't mean I believe it could never happen. To be honest, I think it could happen to anyone! You never know. Melanie didn't. (okay she's not real I get it) but regardless, true love is real!!! I believe in it.
So should you.
Thanks again for reading my story! Good luck with your friend.
-fallenangel
This story is the most touching one i have read today. (and trust me there were plenty)
This is true because there are so many cases when girls fall in love with their bestfriends and they don't know what to do.
I am definitely one of those girls. I fell in love with my bestfriend when i was younger and have been in love with him ever since but it didn't happen as beautifully as your story. he turned into a monster (aka. a jerk, pimp, conceited)
I'm so glad that i can read your story and remember the feelings that i once felt back when it was good for me.
I love the part when you were talking about her driving home alone crying. I'm not old enough to drive but i remember lying in bed once and crying my heart out and not being able to stop.
these are real feelings and i was wondering is this just a story or did you actually experience this. If you actually experienced this then i can tell, if you didn't then the details make it easier to understand.
Gosh, that was so sweet. I seriously “awed” audibly when I finished reading it. It was THAT cute! You did so well with this. I mean, I have read stories like this before, where she wishes the guy friend would fall for her and in the end he does. But this one…I don’t know what it is but you made it so adorable and affectionate, I just fell in love with it!
Excellent work!!!
I do have a few errors I spotted in there, however:
A question mark instead of a period at the end of this.
Awkward wording in the beginning of this sentence. Try: We all sat around the house, Annie besides James because I had slyly forced her to take the only remaining seat as I had planted myself in the over-stuffed rocking chair.
I think you are missing the word “at” in this sentence
Other than those things, I simply loved this story!
Gold Star for you!
Well, everyone else basically hit the little corrections for the story, so I am just going to applaud you on this story. I absolutely loved how much detail was put into it and, I know this has been said a thousand times, but it really felt like I could have been there, could have seen all that was going on... and I love that. The verbs in the story were excellent as well, an example being:
"The warm tears gushed quietly down my cheeks as I drove home, and I blubbered between each intake of breath. My best friend wouldn’t need me anymore."
I also love it when he is proclaiming his love for her. I love those little scenes and this one was really very good.
So, overall this was one of the better short stories I have read and keep up the good work!
Wow, i really like this.
The start is great, the concept the whole friends-or-more-than-friends thing has been done so many times but you make it really interesting, a different slant and it doesn't feel cliche at all.
I love this part:
How you make it like a timeline there is really great, and the way you encorporate their history is really cool.
However I do have a problem with James "I love you" speech. It just doesn't fit as modern and it seems...like its trying too hard.
I can tell you really wanted it to be traditional and romantic but I think you should try to make it more realistic, up to date. Because the rest is so realistic and it seems to stick out because its hard to imagine someone ever saying that in real life.
However despite all my criticism of that part I really do like this ^_^
And Mel and James are so cute ^_^
Hey!
Oh my God! That was amazing description, I could never quite firgure out how to describe the empty feeling about that.
Bad transitioning.
You contradict yourself there, you say it hurt, but then you were happy to see a friend happy.
Ouch >.< I feel for your character. Even though I know very little about her. I know she's a lot like me in the suffereing in silence kinda way, at least when it comes to stuff as serious as this, and I've already figured she's in love with James, but this is the kind of story where it could go either way, and not giving that away is what makes me want to stay and finish reading it. So points there!
Oh you lose points there, I had pegged her for a 14/15 year old somebody who couldn't drive yet.
Ew something about that bugged me. Not the words just the phrasing.
So what is it going back to when she was in the bathtub? If she is you gotta say something about that, or if she wasn't in a bathtub say something about that, and a better transition. Possibly put the memory in italics? Just to help separate it.
Overreacting much?
Silent triumph! woot.
That's a little too sudden for me. But its sweet.
Aww! That was cute!!! *swoons*
That is the kind of history that everybody wants with their first/last love, the guy who's been there through it all. Unfortunately the "boy next door" has become as cliche as roses and chocolates and dragon riders. Luckily for you though, you seem to have the nack for turning the run of the mill "boy next door" into somebody who breaks your heart every time you read it. Uber extra points for that.
The ending. I loved the ending. Its the sort of happy ending thing that I'm not too fond of usually too (be very proud of making me like that). I like the sad cliche people dying nobody's all that happy kind of endings.
Over all this was a good story, with a little polish it could becomg Great uber extra special.
Let me know when you do some polishing on it and I'll see what I can find.
~Alice~
~~Your friendly neighborhood waternymph vampire.~~
Hi,
Okay I liked that. It was pretty good. The only big this that I have to say is that maybe you should mention her name before he says it. I just got a little thrown off by that. Another thing that you might want to do is toss in a few more descriptions of either of the main characters. I think that would help the reader picture all of them a little better.
You did a great job at describing her anger which was good. I also liked how it was very easy to understand and didn't get to mushy this made it seem less fake.
Keep up the good work
Cait