Young Writers Society

I never want to see you
broken down
and on your knees.

It must have hurt, to know the star you wished on
died a thousand years before you lived.
As your sky falls,
and your fragile psyche shatters like the mirrors you punch
in your self-righteous adolescent rages, - turn "in" into "and"

I'd like to think
you’re too young
but I wonder how long until you, also
bow down before the gods of sharp metal and pain
and slit your wrists on the cruel words of others
self-inflicted tourniquet to draw out the venom
of a world of bright colors
which any nature special could tell you
is a pretty warning of fatal poison.

I'd like to think
you're too strong
but I wonder how long until you lie - "lye"
gasping on the floor of some condemned warehouse - "of" into "on"
hoping the glittering colorsthatexistonlyinyourhead
can make rainbows also slither through your blood "THAT also slither.."
and spawn somekind of sunshine in your heart.

you are the kid on afterschool antidrug specials
who always winds up
dead.


Wow. So deep, really. So haunting, yet so true (which is quite sad). I like how sometimes you didn't spave the words, giving them more effect.
I really liked this poem! You should publish it because it is so important to the kids o f today. And it shouldn't be!
But it is. SO PUBLISH YOUR HEART OUT!
AH!
KEEP WRITING!

It's absolutely amazing.
And Brad likes you. It's hard to make him do that.
It expresses the thoughts of one individual through the voice of a worried onlooker
You're pretty and talented...
No hope for me then, agh, congradulations! I loved it!

I think you should take the comma out of the 3rd line, 3rd stanza. Also some lines could probably be split. But I loved it. Absolutely loved it.

Ehmagod...did I really post that back up there? I should have said then...that I seriously wasn't breathing for the entire time I read this. That it made me get teared up. That I laughed really hard on the last three lines even for the seriousness of them...

One word...Wow... This just left me...speechless...i loved it! You are an awesome writer and use a ton of emotion...awesome job

no, wait, this is definitely better than my stuff. Kudos.

This really, really reminded me of the stuff that I've been writing, hauntingly so. Lately, I've been trying to break out of it, because it's death to be satisfied, and...whenever I pick up a pen, it seems, I can reel one of these off. Not saying that this is bad, far to the contrary. Just saying...I don't know what I'm saying. I really don't feel like I should tell you how it is, just because it reminds me of some of my stuff soooo much. Hmmmmm....So, try to outdo yourself. Maybe work on the beat, the rhythm, because you have the basic images and story stuff down pat.

I really love this it captures you with the words it is a wonderful poem, I wished I could write like that !
wu

The world "also," I believe, was placed there because this is a heavily modified version of an older poem. And I suppose it is for another person, which is why "also," is most likely there.

I love the imagery in this poem. It's absolutely briliant and it adds to the overall theme .

but I wonder how long until you, also
bow down before the gods of sharp metal and pain

and slit your wrists on the cruel words of others
self-inflicted tourniquet to draw out the venom
of a world of bright colors
which any nature special could tell you
is a pretty warning of fatal poison.

I think this is a truly excellent poem because it actually made me feel something. Wonderfully written, I have no critiscism at all.

I know...I can't find anything either...well at least it helps to know someone took the time to read it, eh?

Well I dont think theres anything I can critique about this poem. Its awesome. Definitely haunting - chilling, even. I like the dark undertones despite the seeming innocence (a well-chosen title) of the words and images you produce. Another great poem, faith

I find myself speechless for the second time today.

I never want to see you
broken down
and on your knees.

you are the kid on afterschool antidrug specials
who always winds up
dead.

This is hauntingly seductive. Beautiful yet esoteric. I think I like you.