Someone once told me
that the apocalypse will be blue,
and that the saddest day of our lives
is when we look into the mirror
and know our own eyes.
We are billions of axons firing in the entropic night
nameless,
but unwilling to be forgotten when our purpose has expired.
We are scarred deep to the bone but still smiling,
for we are only ever as dark
as the last day we remember this is just a pretty dream
that always ends too soon.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
There's a lot of extra words here that I think you could chop out and rearrange to make the ending more...resonant...?
I simply don't get this, and I wouldn't dare venture a guess.
Otherwise, I only have praise.
Good work, faith -- I loved the "look into the mirror and mnow our own eyes", but in some ways I'm disappointed, I somewhat expected mroe from you. At first it seems like you've approached the subject matter deeply, but then I'm left with a sense of not having enough. Maybe you could explore it more thoroughly? At the moment it seems rather shallow, vague even, like something I've read before.
Beautiful...and yet strangely incomplete. A few little nit-picks:
"and know our own eyes"
Not sure about this - seems off somehow. Maybe its the rhythm or maybe the almost-rhyme makes me twitchy. Not sure. A bit of tweaking necessary perhaps?
"We are billions...expired"
Awesome. Favourite lines, unquestionably.
"as the last day we remember this is just a pretty dream"
This seems a bit too run-on for the rest of the poem. I'm not sure whether you should maybe split it into two lines, or leave it as one but put in a full stop?
Other than that though, I really liked it. Very lyrical. Kudos!