Young Writers Society

I think his may be good if u were writing a poetic novel and we knew who the people were and who you were but this isn't a personal diary entry site. Do you have more material to accompany this u need some. Good job with the line breaks. Hey though your new and I'm pretty used to this place so keep it up!

Hi Eyetart.

I am here to review, as requested. I won't go around putting frosting on this, for I will try to make it as concise and clear as possible.

I'll start off by saying that I don't get why you placed the text to the right, it only distracts the reader. Also, the first five lines end in "me", and variety is essential, because I don't think your purpose is to bore the reader... or, is it? Being completely honest, this looks more like your journal than anything! You didn't show how the whole situation made you feel... I'd say it lacks creativity; you just told the typical little school-story. The grammar is weak. You need to capitalize where it's needed. All I's should be capitalized when it comes to a pronoun, and if "Frey" is a name, the first letter should be capitalized too. Not to mention that you forgot apostrophes in various words.

Summarizing my opinion, I'd say that this is the sketch of what you want to tell; the main idea of the project. But in order for this to be better, you have to express it in a way that leaves me no other option than to be empathetic with you.