The woods had a mostly quiet atmosphere save for the occasional songs of crickets and the chorus of frogs that embellished the forest with a bright yet sometimes eerie ambiance. A group of rabbits pops up their heads from the bushes to survey their surroundings. one of them spotted a nearby fern bush and beckon the others to follow suit. The group of rabbits gathered around and took a small nimble one at a time. They kept in mind on sharing each piece for everyone to savor the cool, almost minty taste of its leaves. One of the rabbit's ears began to flick a little when it picked up the sounds footsteps nearby with the rest stopping abruptly from their usual eating habits. Was it a predator? A fox perhaps? Maybe another rabbit? The rest of the rabbits heard footsteps, as well as one of them, was brave enough to hop to the source of where they're coming from. For a moment, all was still. The brave rabbit's heartbeat began to quicken as the chances of any predator leaping out to get them seemed very likely. The rabbits stood behind them while the youngest hid close to their mother.
The bush rattled and shook. It stopped shaking to reveal a pair of eyes gazing straight at them. They all began to quiver in fear save for the one brave rabbit who stood their ground against this potential predator. But this was no predator, for instead, it was a boy that was wearing nothing but some leaves hiding his naughty bits. he was in the middle of thinking of a way to catch the white butterfly that elegantly stood on a rock that was behind them. With one great dash, he ran out of the bushes. The rabbits began to disperse all the while he ran towards it with all the speed he could carry. Yet the butterfly wouldn't fall for such an easily done trick and flutters up and glides across the pathway. The chase had led him to follow the butterfly deep, deep, deep into woods where it grew so dark that he could barely see what was in front of him. He trips on a rock, slamming his face into the dirt, but he uses his hands to push himself up again to go back to the chase. However, the butterfly was nowhere to be found until he could finally make out the white insect landing on a nearby tree. This was his chance. All he had to do was just sneak towards it and get them where he wants it to go, in his hands. The young boy crouches slowly crept towards it and make sure he didn't make a single sound as he lightly padded near it. He held out his hand but before he could catch it with his left hand, the butterfly dodged it and went on its way again.
The boy ran after it once more until he halted on his feet when he neared a hillside. He could still see the butterfly gliding in the air, heading towards what seems to be a grassland below where he stood. He slides down the hill, toppling on his way downward. The side of his back was soon greeted by the cold grass underneath him as he got up himself up then brushed off the dirt from his sides. There, he saw the butterfly perching again on top of a rock that was surrounded by a bunch of tall grass.
with his legs lowered and back arched, he stood still for a moment. He observed the butterfly’s every flap, every flutter, everything it did while they rested upon the rock. Its wings were spread out, only to occasionally flinch every now and then. He slowly took one foot in front the other as he crept closer to the butterfly, every step trying to quieter than the last. He lowered his body even more to his elbows and knees. He crouched closer and closer, hovered his hand over the place the butterfly perched and tried to slam his hand straight at it.
But before he could, the butterfly moved out of the way. they quickly dart up to the sky and files away from him. He leaps as high as he can but his hands could barely reach the tips of the butterfly's wings. The butterfly flew higher and higher until it was just a dot in the sky. The boy stood there, knees on the ground, arms sagging behind, and a stern look on his face. It was gone, Never to return to proceed the chase once again. He tries to get himself up again and leave the other way until the butterfly swoop down and knocked him off balance. He fell off his feet, landing on his bum and looking up to see the butterfly once again taunting him on his failure. He gritted his teeth in frustration but the resulting breeze causes him to stagger near a cliff-side. He quickly turns around and looks onward. The butterfly was floating right in front of him. They slowly backed away yet he tried to close in on it. He stopped when one of his feet lifted off the ground. He watched as the rocks toppled down and fell downward from the cliff’s edge down into a pit that seems go on forever. His heart raced all the while he moved away from the cliff’s edge. The butterfly, however, wouldn’t let him back away and darted behind him. With a quick nudge on his back, the butterfly pushed the young child closer and closer to the edge, his feet meeting far off the edge once more.
After he was near the edge, the boy looked at the butterfly and said in a cynical tone “ must be one of your usual tricks, isn’t it?” the butterfly replies back with the shift from its usual butterfly face to that of a woman. Their lips curved to a devious grin and quickly used its head to thrust him off the cliff. His body dragged across the ground and slipped off as he plummets to the endless pit below him. screaming for dear life, the boy closed his eyes and braces for impact. But his soon to nightmare dissolves into nothing when screeching yell pierces through his dreamlike state.
***
“Will ya wake up, kid!!!” the ashy yell from the bus lady aroused john to open his eyelids. He rubbed his eyes to get a clearer look at everything as it seems too hazy in his eyesight. He lifted his back and looked around to see most of the bus seats were left vacant, leaving him and the bus lady the only people here.
“W-where is everybody?” he asked her while he rubbed his crusty eyes some more.
“They left some time ago while you asleep,” she explained.” So, you best be hurrying up because the tardy bell’s about to ring any minute now.”
John stumbles up off his seat and taps everything to get a feeling of it. He padded downward to the front of the bus where the door was nearby and ran his hands along the rims of the rails. He followed it down until his hand meets the front door exit. He pushes it open and hops off the vehicle. The door of the bus closes behind as he walks off to the school’s entrance where he watched the other kids entering inside. He stopped for the moment to look at the sign saying:
Printed firmly on the iron plated banner above the school’s entrance. John inhales and exhales for a few minutes and clears his throat.
“Remember what Wilbur would always say ‘new day, new life. Forget the past and remember the present.’ Got it.” John climbed the short stairway that leads to the school’s main door. Some kids walk right past him, pushing the door right in front of him. Before he came inside, however, he looked around for someone but decides to enter towards the door anyone. That’s until he heard the cries of “johnny!” flaring from right behind him.
John couldn’t mistake that perky, happy go lucky voice that belongs none other than his friend, Wilbur, who was now running right at him. John rolled his eyes and expected his worse from him.
“Aw grea-” he was cut off as soon as Wilbur wrapped his soft noodle arms around john’s torso. His grip got tighter the more he snuggled him up.
“Johnny!! I’ve missed you so much!” Wilbur exclaimed in a cheerful joy, hugging john even tighter than before. “ I couldn’t bare to see you go so soon.”
“It would have been better if you did” he murmured in his usual dry tone. Wilbur finally let john go after he noticed john was trying gasp for some air. He blushed in embarrassment and gave him a light little hug.
“Sooo, how’s your summer?” Wilbur asked with a grin.” Was it the best time of your life or maybe you are just busy staying at home like you always do.”
So, what did john do during the summer? Nothing. Days he spent during that time were devoted to solitude, video games, lounging around on snacks and nothing else. His father insisted that he at least for once go outside like any other normal kid would do. But for him, the outside world didn’t welcome him anymore. It never had in a long time. Not since…the incident. John notices Wilbur was waiting for him to reply. He put on his best ‘smile’ and told him “why yes, Wilbur. It was…g-g-great. Thanks for asking.”
“That’s great, johnny. Oh and speaking of, did you see what happened at the aquarium the other day?” Wilbur grinned in an excited tone.
John rose an eyebrow. “Well, no,”
“That’s a shame. Like, everyone and their grandmother knew about it already. It was in the news as a matter a fact.” Wilbur told him back.” It had something to do with a dolphin incident with juggling balls.”
John was puzzled as to what he was talking about and when did the news cover on this story? Wilbur began to ramble on about it some more until john lost interest in it. The two of them entered the school’s main front door together as Wilbur tries his darnedest to reenact on what happen. He did a circling motion around his index finger supposed to represent the dolphin. He flipped his index finger up and down. He slams his hand right into his left index finger.
“What are you trying to do?” john asked with one of raised his eyebrows.
“Reenacting it, remember?” Wilbur answered as he balled his right fist and ran it gently towards the index finger. “And in this scene, the last ball rolls off the guys head after he was lying around all day. But, I'm not sure, to be honest with you,”
John wanted to reply back but his mind was drifting back into the past dream he had. The images of that human faced butterfly was planted deeply inside his mind that no matter how many times he tried clearing his mind it was still there, grinning maliciously like a madman. “Get out of my head” he pleads to himself “get out!!”
John clasps his hands on both sides of his head. He began to breathe in and out frantically, grabbing his neck with one of his hands. He could still see the white butterfly taunting him on and on. He could swear it told him “you worthless mortal” every time he saw that face. That face that curved it's slipped so much so that stretched to the antenna to antenna. John quivered with all his limbs shaking without his consent. Then, john felt someone’s arms warping around his waist. He jerked around but sighed in relief. It was just Wilbur but this time his eyes were watering up. His nose was twitching as he laid a hand of concern on his left shoulder. “John…are you..alright.”
John darted his eyes down and pauses for a moment. He exhales all the air in his lungs out and looks at Wilbur again.” Y-yeah I’m fine,”
Wilbur narrowed his eyes.” What do you mean by fine? You were flailing around like a maniac!”
“I know, but-”
“Is..something the matter with you? Don’t tell you are having flashbacks about ya know.”
“The incident? It wasn’t that.”
Wilbur crossed his arms “then what was it?”
Wilbur began to give John the ‘look’. The look that made his eyes bigger, his eyebrows arched up, and his lips curving downward. John went on ahead and walked down the hallway but Wilbur grabbed by the shoulder. He stopped then sighed. “Fine, but I’ll explain it at lunch. Deal?” John held out his hand.
Wilbur held his hand until their hands clasped together into a handshake. “Deal. And how about that, we’re here.” Wilbur pointed to the door that had the letters and numbers:
On the front window where they stood. John hadn’t they’re conversation had taken them to class on time.” Oh. I guess that means I’ll see you later then”
Wilbur grinned “oh no. We’ll still see each other. There’s always science class, remember?” Wilbur proceeds to turn away but before he walked off, He faced john one last time.
“And before I go, one last piece of advice-”
John interjects.” I know, will. I can handle this myself,”
“All righty then. I guess I best be going. I don’t want to be late for miss peach’s class. I’ll see you later, johnny.”
And like that, Wilbur was off, walking down the hallway while john stood there with his hand barely touching the door knob. Okay, john. You can do this. Just twist the knob and go inside. How hard can it be? But what if-no, no. They should have forgotten about it by now. It was only last year. It’ll be better if I forget about that.
For a short moment, his hand could only cup around the knob. Every inch of his hand began to sweat and drops of them made it harder for him to latch on to it. John did his usual breathing exercises and closed his eyelids. He slowly twisted the knob all the way then pushed the door ever so slightly. He took a quick peek inside. Inside were about 20 students with some kids that he recognized from before. There was Lizzie, who by first glance, you thought was a boy. Milly who sat at the end of the room. And finally, Reggie, just like Lizzie but harder to discern her gender.
“Would you kindly come inside please” a kind, but the firm voice came from Mrs. Levitt, a tall lanky looking woman who had some papers in hand.
“U-um, yes ma’am.” John could just tell the gossip was at all time high as he could hear the faint whispers of students exchanging looks at him.
I shouldn’t go inside.
But you have to.
I can’t. What if they remember? What if they find out? What if-
no more what ifs! You got it.
All right. I’ll go.
John fully swings the door open and comes inside. As he walked in, the room grew silent. The kids stop exchanging looks at him and went back to what doing. Some kids were fiddling with their pencils with one of them using his own as a knife to grind on the table. Loud creaking sounds coming from it cause john to cover his ears while he walked towards Mrs. Levitt’s desk. He gently taps her on his shoulder before he crossed his arms then bite his lips a little. He Avoided letting his eyes become in contact with her’s and darts his eyes towards a vacant seat near Lizzie. The place where the window shines through, illuminating the stop with a warm glow.
“What is it, john?” Levitt spoke firmly, organizing her papers on the desk. John’s eyes darted back to her. He cleared his throat, breathed in and out. “Can I sit there please?” John pointed at the same seat he looked at a few moments ago.
she nodded as she eyed her bundle of sheets with care. John sighed deeply and promptly went to his now assigned seat. When he sat down next to Lizzie, she gave him a sly smirk and nudged him with her elbow. “Sup John, it’s been awhile.”
John glanced at her. He rolled his eyes and faced the chalkboard. Lizzie slightly leans up from her desk and inclined in front him. “What? Aren’t you happy to see me?”
John buried his head in his crossed arms. “No,”
“D’aww, why not Mr. bummington?” Lizzie widens and fluttered her eyelashes at him. “Don’t you miss me.” john groaned at the nickname. This wasn’t the first time someone calls him by his designated nickname “bummerington”.
“The opposite, actually,” he muffled. “Now how about you leave me alone, I need to pay attention.”
Lizzie sighs, rolling her eyes. She faced her head at the direction john was facing to see what Mrs.levitt was doing. Mrs.levitt finished shuffling her papers after the final one was put into its proper place. She sat it down in front of her and stood up tall. She coughs into her balled fist before she began to speak. “Um hmm...Good morning, students.”
“good morning, Mrs. Levitt.” all the students said in unison. The teacher grabbed the nearest the chalk and wrote
On the chalkboard. “With summer break long since over, I’m oh so very glad you all could come back safely. And possibly refreshed, too because we have ALOT to do this year. Aren’t you excited?!” she clapped her and smiled gleefully. Sounds of groaning and moaning were uttered by the students. One kid slammed his head into the desk. Another dove under him and hands quivering. John just looks around and raises an eyebrow. What the heck is going on? Mrs. Levitt huffs “I know, I know. It’s such a shame.. but look at the bright side, at least this year we can make it better.” She shoots a glare at John. He nearly leaps off his chair. “Isn’t that right.”
John gulped his throat. “U-u-m, yeah. Absolutely…ma’am.”
She knew what I did last year didn’t she?
Of course, she would remember. don’t say she pretended to ignore it.
John dug his head onto the desk with a flustered face. Why me.
***
(so, what did you think so far?)
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,023 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
Hi Ewolf20!
You've got a fair bit of feedback already, but you look like you need a boost and there are definitely some gems in this work to retain during the editing process.
I agree that in the first part the paragraphs are chunky, but that's easy to fix with a few line breaks. What I really like about this is the way you've set the scene. I've recently been studying nature in fiction and I've found it really hard to incorporate nature into a piece and have the human be a part of it, rather than creating a human world that happens to contain nature. You've done it really well here. By setting the scene with the peaceful woodland setting and introducing the boy as some kind of unknown force, you've really brought out that feral aspect in him and also created a kind of an equal relationship between him and nature. It's really cool.
What I like about John is his attitude towards a challenge. It would be very easy for him to get lost in his thoughts or just run away and feel sorry for himself. Instead he gives himself a pep-talk and then gets on with it. Personally that's the kind of character that attracts me to a novel because I know that he's not going to be a bystander. He's strong willed and a driving force towards the plot and that makes him interesting.
The dialogue at the end made me laugh. A lot has been said without really saying anything, Mrs Levitt's way of dealing with the issue and John's response make that pretty clear. I feel like it's a situation that we've all been in at some point or another, and even though I don't yet know what the incident was, it still gives me a way to relate to how John feels about it.
In truth I think this is pretty good, and I enjoyed reading it. John is a great starting character and there is so much mystery surrounding the plot. There are a few grammatical tweaks, but you can work on that over time. What's important at the moment is that you have an interesting idea and a relatable character, and that's reason enough to keep moving forward.
Good work. Keep it up =]
god look at all these negative reviews. i feel like poop.
Also, I'm points short so I have to add some more into it.
Hey, Aleta here for a review. Because your last two reviews have been primarily looking at the theme and consistency, I'll focus on what needs to be improved as far as grammar goes, among other things.
But this was no predator, for instead, it was a boy that was wearing nothing but some leaves hiding his naughty bits.
Observation: The word naughty bits sounds a bit odd here. Here's a quick fix: But this was no predator. It was only a child wearing nothing save for the loincloth of leaves entwined across his waist.
The rabbits began to disperse all the while he ran towards it with all the speed he could carry.
C: This is kind of awkward. The flow is interrupted here, especially after disperse. Here's a way to fix it: The rabbits began to disperse as the boy ran towards the white butterfly.
he was in the middle of thinking of a way to catch the white butterfly that elegantly stood on a rock that was behind them.
C: This sentence has a few problems with it. You forgot to capitalize the sentence and also you describe the butterfly as standing. You could say perching, resting on the rock or something like that because it can't actually stand.
Yet the butterfly wouldn't fall for such an easily done trick and flutters up and glides across the pathway.
C: This appears as if it was thrown together or maybe you didn't spend enough time on it. It just seems awkward. Here's a way to fix it: The butterfly would not fall for such an easily done trick. It flutters up and glides across the pathway away from the naive boy.
himself up again to go back to the chase.
C: To go back to the chase? Sounds awkward. Here's a way that you can fix this: picks himself up again to return to the chase. To go back to is just a mouthful.
This was his chance. All he had to do was just sneak towards it and get them where he wants it to go, in his hands.
C: Awkward again. The "get them where he wants it to go" is just an odd way of phrasing it. Try this: This was his chance. All he had to do was sneak towards it and than catch it in his hands.
with his legs lowered and back arched, he stood still for a moment. He observed the butterfly’s every flap, every flutter,
C: Capitalize this.
It was gone, Never to return to proceed the chase once again. He tries to get himself up again and leave the other way until the butterfly swoop down and knocked him off balance.
C: It was gone, *never to return to return to the game of cat and mouse. He tries to pick himself of the ground and leave. (Than whatever you want to say about the butterfly)
After he was near the edge, the boy looked at the butterfly and said in a cynical tone “ must be one of your usual tricks, isn’t it?” the butterfly replies back with the shift from its usual butterfly face to that of a woman.
C: After he was near the edge, the boy looked at the butterfly. His (eye color) eyes narrowed at the creature and said in a cynical tone, "This must be one of your usual tricks. Is it not?" The butterfly twitches, and soon enough he was staring into the face of a woman.
“Will ya wake up, kid!!!” the ashy yell from the bus lady aroused john to open his eyelids. He rubbed his eyes to get a clearer look at everything as it seems too hazy in his eyesight. He lifted his back and looked around to see most of the bus seats were left vacant, leaving him and the bus lady the only people here.
C: "Will you wake up, kid!" The yell from the bus driver aroused John to open his eyelids. He nearly jumped at the sound. He lifted his back(pack??) and looked around to see that the bus seats were left vacant, leaving him and the bus lady the only people here.
(What do you mean by ashy? That's confusing. Also the exclamation points are very unnecessary, you don't need to use three of them)
John stumbles up off his seat and taps everything to get a feeling of it.
Observation: Uh, I thought this was very odd. Why is he tapping everything just to feel it? Hasn't he rode the bus before?
“Remember what Wilbur would always say ‘new day, new life. Forget the past and remember the present.’ Got it.”
C: So I am assuming he is thinking here because it's italicized. Why did you put it into dialogue though? Here's a fix: Remember what Wilbur would always say--'new day, new life. Forget the past and remember the present.' (Than now John says aloud...) "Got it."
That’s until he heard the cries of “johnny!” flaring from right behind him.
C: That was until he heard the cries of his name being called from behind him.(The word choice of flare is weird here).
“Aw grea-” he was cut off as soon as Wilbur wrapped his soft noodle arms around john’s torso. His grip got tighter the more he snuggled him up.
C: Noodle arms? So his arms are as floppy as ramen? Kind of odd. Also, why do you never capitalize John's name? Saying "the more he snuggled up against him" also sounds more appropriate.
“Johnny!! I’ve missed you so much!” Wilbur exclaimed in a cheerful joy, hugging john even tighter than before. “ I couldn’t bare to see you go so soon.”
C: We already know he is cheerful. You say cheerful and than add joy right after it, which makes it redundant. Also, the exclamation points aren't needed at all. Just use one.
“Sooo, how’s your summer?” Wilbur asked with a grin.” Was it the best time of your life or maybe you are just busy staying at home like you always do.”
C: "So, how is your simmer?" Wilbur grinned.
"Was it the best time of your life or are you just staying at home like you always do?"
So, what did john do during the summer? Nothing. Days he spent during that time were devoted to solitude, video games, lounging around on snacks and nothing else. His father insisted that he at least for once go outside like any other normal kid would do. But for him, the outside world didn’t welcome him anymore. It never had in a long time. Not since…the incident. John notices Wilbur was waiting for him to reply. He put on his best ‘smile’ and told him “why yes, Wilbur. It was…g-g-great. Thanks for asking.”
Fix: So, what did John do during the summer? Nothing, just as Wilbur had expected. Days upon days he spent during that time were devoted to solitude and video games. His father insisted that he should go outside at least once like the other boys. But for him, the outside world did not seem to welcome him as it once did when he was a child. The incident changed everything. John notices Wilbur was waiting for him to reply. He put on his best impression of a smile. "Why yes, Wilbur. It was great. Thanks for asking." ('Smile' doesn't need to have those there. He's just smiling).
Wilbur grinned in an excited tone.
C: So he grinned in an excited tone? I think you see what's wrong here.
“That’s a shame. Like, everyone and their grandmother knew about it already. It was in the news as a matter a fact.” Wilbur told him back.” It had something to do with a dolphin incident with juggling balls.”
C: "That is a shame. Almost everyone knows about it already! It was in the news. It had something to do with a dolphin juggling balls." ('Told him back' is unnecessary and awkward here, also the story itself is weird and makes no sense).
John was puzzled as to what he was talking about and when did the news cover on this story? Wilbur began to ramble on about it some more until john lost interest in it. The two of them entered the school’s main front door together as Wilbur tries his darnedest to reenact on what happen. He did a circling motion around his index finger supposed to represent the dolphin. He flipped his index finger up and down. He slams his hand right into his left index finger.
C: John was puzzled about what Wilbur was rambling about. Since when did the news cover such stupid things? The two of them entered the school's main front door as Wilbur tried his best to reenact what happened. He did a circling motion around his index finger and flipped it up and down. He slams his hand right into his left index finger in an attempt to reenact what happened. (Darnedest isn't a word, by the way)
John wanted to reply back but his mind was drifting back into the past dream he had. The images of that human faced butterfly was planted deeply inside his mind that no matter how many times he tried clearing his mind it was still there, grinning maliciously like a madman. “Get out of my head” he pleads to himself “get out!!”
C: John wanted to reply back to his friend, but his mind was disconnecting itself from reality and into the dream world. The images of that woman and the butterfly was planted deeply into his mind. No matter how many tries he tried clearing his head, it was still there. Grinning maliciously at himself like a madman. "Get out of my head," he whimpered, "get out!"
John clasps his hands on both sides of his head. He began to breathe in and out frantically, grabbing his neck with one of his hands. He could still see the white butterfly taunting him on and on. He could swear it told him “you worthless mortal” every time he saw that face. That face that curved it's slipped so much so that stretched to the antenna to antenna. John quivered with all his limbs shaking without his consent. Then, john felt someone’s arms warping around his waist. He jerked around but sighed in relief. It was just Wilbur but this time his eyes were watering up. His nose was twitching as he laid a hand of concern on his left shoulder. “John…are you..alright.”
C: John clasps his hands on both sides of his head. He began to breathe in and out frantically, grabbing his neck with one of his hands. He could still see the white butterfly in his head, taunting his weak mind. His skull began to pound. He swore he heard "you worthless mortal" every single time he remembered that face. That face that curved and stretched, antenna to antenna to transform to that of a woman. John convulsed at the thought. John felt someone's arms wrapping around his waist. He jerked around in fear, than sighed as her realized it was just Wilbur. Wilbur laid a hand of concern on John's shoulder. "John, you don't seem okay..."
Overall
~
The paragraphs are too bunched up. I would suggest separating them, mainly the first two. In some places the writing is very awkward/disrupts the flow. You describe things easily although you do have a problem with grammar. So is the butterfly the size of a human, because a butterfly can't knock a human off their feet. You should knock the kid off his balance with the woman, not the butterfly. You need to capitalize John's name. Also, the bold parts that are meant to be transitions in the story are awkward and interrupts the flow. Sorry if I was too rough on you, but this story has potential. You just need to emphasize this potential. The story of the woman/butterfly is very appealing and catches my interest.
I swore that you hated it.
No...I wouldn't spend over 30 minutes on something I hated lol
I never hate any stories I just like to criticize
Oh, I'm sorry.
no no its okay lol
also typo, it's he
?
"than sighed as her realized it was just"
it's then sighed as he realized it was just"
This is Kaos here for a review!
So the first thing that I noticed about this first chapter is the large blocks of text with the first few paragraphs. I suggest you cut down on these because it messes with the flow and the pacing with the rest of the work and it's hard on the reader's eyes. It makes the piece intimidating and it'd overall just be better if you chopped this up and a general rule of thumb for paragraphs is that each one has a similar train of thought and when there's a new one, you make a new paragraph. Moving on from this and onto the actual start of the story, there wasn't much of a hook to grab the reader into the story and rather just felt calm.
It kicks us off with describing the atmosphere which isn't necessarily a bad thing in moderation but you do this to the point where it bores the reader of your worldbuilding. We don't actually get to see dialogue until after these large paragraphs and it's all silent up until then which is something that I didn't really like. I didn't really see a point for the scene that you had in the beginning lasting so long and it just happened to drag on for a long time compared to the rest of the piece and that messes up the pacing that you have going on here. It doesn't really do that much as a first chapter.
It introduces the reader to the characters in the story but I didn't really feel that strong start and I didn't really get that hook into the story. I'm not saying that the whole plot has to unfold in the first chapter, but if you want your readers to continue, you've got to make it something interesting enough to keep them going. The last thing that I wanted to touch on was the grammar errors throughout the piece and I'm just going to suggest that you proofread it and use a grammar checker. Mind you, grammar checkers don't catch everything.
I hope I helped and have a great day!
But I can't afford any of them.
Hey, it's Codayy for a review! Since it is review day and a beginning of a novel, I'm taking the opportunity to get this out of the Green Room. So let's get started.
(I decided to scratch my first few paragraphs because this was going to take a while. Instead, I'll go over general ideas of this piece).
I think the biggest problem with this was consistency. There were times where you changed tense and didn't capitalize things that needed capitalization. Just make sure you run it through a grammar editor, another person, or reread it yourself. There were many moments where this happened.
Finally reading this piece, I think it's hard to put much criticisms into this except for that. The chapter was very introductory. I can't say much on the characters or the concept because there's not much there. The other thing I can talk about is I think your first few paragraphs could be broken up. It was brick of text that was hard to read especially with the mechanics errors.
I did like your imagery and use sensors. Like how you use the taste of mint from the leaves. Your choice of verbs were also well used and it showed toward the end of the work. I think you could be a great poet if you tried it.
What I read felt like a very rough draft, so I hope you release more content that's more revised and polished. That's my suggestion. Happy review day!
um. hello. is anyone going to look into this?