Published January 12, 2009
I have remembered to half forget,
That saying that so loud leaves one a target.
For yelling, and hitting, or simply ones bidding,
To catch you off guard while you're sitting.
All I said was I lose the game,
Now people dont look at me the same.
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140,552 Literary Works • 673,424 Reviews
i must say that this is a lovely poem, simple and short, but this line
i find is to long and stops the flow of things. I think if you took out "that" after "saying" or just altered it so it is shorter. i'm also not really sure what the poem is totally about but i think it reads beautifully and you used strong words and phrases
with much hope, and potential
~Rachel
I had to read this a couple times thorough to understand what you were trying to say, but i think i got it.
For a poem so small i think that you are saying a lot.
I thought that the rythym of the poem was near perfect, but maybe you could make yourslef more clear in the future? I am not a poet, and probably not the best to ask about this kind of stuff, but it think with a little work you could be famous!
this is by far one of my favorite poems on this site!
Please keep writing, and pursue what you love!
Second Line:
When writing a poem, you want to make yourself clear. You confuse the reader with this line using the word that. It also throws off the rhythm, because you use the word that two times in the same line. This isn't very wise to do.
Third Line:
There should be an apostrophe in one's. It also, again doesn't make much sence, you need to stick to your topic, throughout the entire poem.
Fourth Line:
AGain, I don't see how this relates. Make yourself clear when you write.
Fifth Line:
Okay here, again, you mess with the beat. You switch tenses and this geneerally shouldn't be done in poetry. Especially not in this one. I suggest that you correct lose to lost. And put that "I lost the game" in quotation marks.
Sixth Line:
Don't, instead of dont. Please use the correct grammar, when you write with no punctuation and grammar you don't have to worry about it, but when you are going to use the correct grammar and punctuation, stick to it. Don't halfway do it.
Overall:
This was a confusing poem to read and not in a complex way. It was uncomfortable. The rhythm was off. I suggest that you ask yourself what you're wrting and stick to it. Also i notcied that you made a very common mistake, you have forced rhymes. Poetry does not have to rhyme. So don't force your verses, its very noticable to your reader. I suggest that you edit your story and put just a tad more into it, because as it is now, its very boring. Just rememer that practice makes perfect. Keep writing,
~Alyss