There was once the man who came from the moon.
He met a boy with a beanie covering the half of her head,
And a beautiful woman with honey smeared all over her lips.
None of them were saying anything.
But the moon knew better.
The night knew better.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Well, this is certainly a poem as opposed to a short story.
I've read over this many times now and whether I'm just tired, I don't know, but this is very much perplexing.
Firstly, the grammar - on the second line you say the Moon Man meets a boy but then refer to him as a her. Then line three is capitalised after the comma. Also on the first line I would say 'a man' instead of 'the man'
I have to say that I am so intrigued to what is going on in this poem but I guess I will never know. In the end, I think that the moon knows better than me, the night knows better than me.
Hey! ChocolateCello here!
Welcome to YWS!
So, like the last review said, this poem (I agree this should be categorized as a poem) is very vague. It left the reader to wonder but I think that's a good thing. Everything made perfect sense, yet, at the same time, it made no sense at all. It reminded me of a dream. All the strange things happening and you just don't question it because it just seems to fit for some reason.
One thing though, you don't need a comma after 'head'. Also, you're using punctation throughout the poem like you would in any other writing but you use capitalization in a way that you use strictly for poetry. I would suggest either using a 'poetry only' punctuation set up, or changing the capitalization to normal capitalization (Caps only at the beginning of sentences and proper nouns).
I really liked this though. I think the vagueness was good and it leaves a lot up for the reader to decide, making it easy to relate no matter who you are. You get to decide for yourself what the 'night knows better' about or why these people were together and I think this really makes everything unique.
Keep writing!
-ChocolateCello
Ps- The last review pointed out that 'her' in the second line should be 'his' and I agree with that
I’m curious as to why you categorised this piece as short story when it’s clearly a poem. Is there a particular reason for that?
How can he come from the Moon? How was he created? Here’s a good chance to expand on your piece and provide clarification and crucial details.
“Her” should be changed to “his”.
Why did the man meet these two particular people? What did the night know? It’s a little vague and brings up endless possibilities. Were you hoping to leave the ending to the readers’ interpretation, or did you have anything specific in mind? If so, I think you should work on it a bit more.
Overall, your poem’s a little confusing, but also mysterious, as pointed out below. The basic idea seems interesting, but you need to improve on executing it.
Well done, and keep writing!
Hello, ev! Artemis here.
I don't really have anything to say, except I was a little confused by this poem. I'm not really sure what it means, but it's intriguing and mysterious somehow. It kind of drew me in, and the wording was really interesting. Would you mind explaining this to me? Also "her" in the second line should be "his". Other than that, this was nice! (Although confusing.) Good work!
-Artie
Actually this is only a rant that i posted as a short stories, or poem.
It was some kind of metaphor of my daily life.
I met lots of people everyday, and they're all unique.
The moon man is basically a typical dreamer who only dreams.
The beanie boy, or girl, i don't know either, is someone who live their life as someone else. Hiding behind all those comfortable lies.
And the honey hunny, is simply some girls who likes to 'sweet-talk'.
Hehe. I like it confusing, because certainty is an abstract thing also.
Thank you for reading!
*deep bow*
-Ev-
You're welcome! And thanks for explaining.