here i sit.
watching, waiting
hoping that someone will notice me
lurking in the shadows,
hiding behind the curtains,
sitting in this darkness that I call my mind
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Canary word: Present
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139,471 Literary Works • 672,575 Reviews
Hey there! I'll be reviewing this piece today. Though it's not in the green room, it looks like it could use more feedback, so here I am! Let's get into the review!
So, this definitely is very short! You were aiming for a large topic, or a large message. I think this was generic and for short poetry it's kind of nice. This way interpretation is open for anybody who reads. The message is specific, yet the way a reader can take it is up to them. One nitpicky thing I have to say, is your use of verbs.
Your first line uses the verb "sit". So does your last line. Perhaps change one up just to keep the variation? A majority of your poem has verbs in it and I think you should use different ones in these lines. Since, they are saying the same thing, right?
Although there was a good amount of context in this six-line poem, you could use some more emotion in it. I get the message, the theme. But I'm not feeling that much in it? What do you want the reader to feel? Emptiness? Sadness? Longing? Hope? Don't write these straight on the page but hiding them within the words and empowering the mood and theme will strengthen the message.
I can't recall how many times I've read the phrase "that I call my...." I've seen it a lot in poetry and perhaps a more creative phrase would be better? This felt a little hackneyed. You can even just take the phrase out! Something like: sitting in this darkness; my mind. This way it's much simpler, original, and has better flow. It makes for a more sudden ending, too.
I understand the message you are trying to pull through in this poem. I did get confused, though. At first, the speaker hopes to be noticed, and then they are hiding in the curtains. Maybe take one out for the other? The message becomes mixed and unclear with these two opposite lines, in my opinion.
It would be interesting to see a longer version of this. Not saying to change the length of this, but in the future I'd try experimenting with length and context. Try making something more specific and clear, and see how it turns out! A little variation in your style might help you on your exploration with writing!
I hope this review helped! If you have any questions about this review please let me know!
Hi. This is Kman134. I am here to review your work.
You are not the only one in the world. Everyone wants to be noticed. there are people who want attention so much that they'll do things--both decent and disturbing--to get it. however, it is important not cross the line and you should just be happy with what you got. this reminds me of that scene from the movie 6th sense where the mother poisoned her own daughter to get attention, and even attended the funeral in a red dress to draw everyone's eyes.
the poem was short and vague, leading the reader to his own interpretation. many can assume the writer has anxiety disorder or histrionic personality disorder. the beginning of each line needs to be capitalize to help emphasize each line.
Anyway, this is a pretty good poem. I hope to read more.
I NOTICE YOU MY GOOD FRIEND!!!!!!!!!!!!! But I really like how you worded what a lot of people think in their minds, and for your first poem ever on here, that's amazing! I'm Lake, if that wasn't clear already!XD But I think you should keep writing poems like these, maybe even try a longer poem! I would love to see how that turns out!:) I hope you have a wonderful time on YWS, you'll love it when the holiday season comes back around! Everything here is so festive! Have fun! Keep up the fantastical work!X)
It's very vague which leaves it open to interpretation. One could simply take it as a shy person, a person with anxiety disorder, or something much deeper. Other than that, all I suggest is that you use capitalization to emphasize words that are meant to stand out. I want to ask how you meant for it to be? What does this poem mean to you? I'm really curious, confused, but interested.