for once i wished i was worth remembering. before i was with you i wondered if maybe i was the moon, always there, never really seen. nobody really saw me. but you looked me in the eyes and you said 'maybe i do see you' and dragged me into that ocean--a part of me is still drowning. you played me like a fiddle, now i realize that, six months too late and a lifetime too soon. but i tell myself it's fine and nobody knows how much i felt in those two months. you were in love with someone else but i told myself i was special because you pinned me up against the wall, spent nights imagining you and i in the grass, your eyelashes wet with dew.
but all at once you weren't in love with her anymore and suddenly i let myself in through the garden gate like i was entitled to some fairytale kiss after everything you did. of course the rain came down that night and i never really told you how i felt. maybe if i'd have made a move we'd be together and everything would be different except i never really was the one. i'd never be, because who could blame you for not loving the girl in the glasses when you were so far up above. those wasted moments drive me to insanity.
and i wish i could say you never made an impact, that i could forget you like the clouds, but you gave me my only hope for a while. i arabesque and i glissade and i dance and in every pirouette you're standing behind me because i dance only because you told me i could. how dare you leave me with lips full of memories and a heart that wishes it could forget.
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,819 Reviews
Heyo! I'm Zayin and I'm here to review your creation! ദ്ദി ˉ͈̀꒳ˉ͈́ )✧
This poem is a raw and heartfelt exploration of love, longing, and the bittersweet ache of unrequited feelings. The narrative voice is deeply vulnerable, allowing readers to connect with the speaker's emotional journey. The imagery—such as the comparison to the moon, the metaphor of drowning, and the motif of dancing—adds layers of beauty and poignancy to the piece.
One of the poem's strengths is its honesty. The way the speaker navigates the highs and lows of their emotions feels authentic and relatable. Lines like "you gave me my only hope for a while" and "how dare you leave me with lips full of memories" encapsulate the enduring impact of a fleeting connection, making the reader feel the weight of the speaker's longing and heartbreak.
Suggestions for Improvement ᕙ( •̀ ᗜ •́ )ᕗ:
Structure and Flow: The poem’s stream-of-consciousness style is powerful but occasionally overwhelming. Breaking it into distinct stanzas or sections could enhance readability and give each emotional beat room to breathe. For example, separating the stages of the relationship—hope, realization, and aftermath—might create a clearer progression.
Imagery Consistency: While the imagery is evocative, it sometimes shifts abruptly (e.g., the ocean metaphor to dancing imagery). Consider weaving a more consistent thread throughout, like extending the moon or ocean symbolism to unify the narrative.
Pacing and Clarity: Some sentences could be more concise for impact. For example, "maybe if I'd have made a move we'd be together and everything would be different except I never really was the one" could be refined for clarity and emotional resonance.
Expanding Key Moments: Certain lines, such as "you pinned me up against the wall" and "you told me I could dance," hold significant emotional weight but feel underexplored. Expanding on these moments could deepen the reader's understanding of the relationship and its complexities.
Overall:
This poem is a moving testament to the intensity of fleeting love and its lasting effects. With slight adjustments to structure and focus, it could become even more impactful. Its vulnerability and vivid imagery already make it a deeply compelling piece, I can't wait to see what you write next! -ZK
Jesus.
That's all I have to say to this. This is such a bitter tasting poem, in a good way.
It makes the heart twist, the lungs ache. It makes tears rise. It's realistic, and the description poke at the soul. It burns going down the throat and leaves a mark in the mind. Like a permanent scar. No one forgets a heartbreak quite like this. No one. It's a throbbing feeling that never ceases to exist. It's pain.
The way you write this was in a fashion that truly captivated me. I enjoyed it. While I did notice some common grammar mistakes, I won't push about those because the poem is too good. Seriously. This is gorgeous.
Please, keep writing away.
~Taost
thank you!
Also, welcome to YWS! It's such a warm community, I'm sure you'll love it here!
Very pretty!
The central themes I see are unrequited love, regret, and self-worth, or the lack thereof. It comes across loud and clear. You’ve built this narrative on a strong emotional foundation. The flow feels fragmented, which works for the rawness but makes it difficult to follow the emotional thread without getting lost. You win some, you lose some. This is a beautiful poem despite that.
I think there are a few ways this can hit. The visceral confessional tone will resonate with people who love an unfiltered glimpse into yearning and heartbreak. Or, alternatively, the emotional weight is diluted by repetition and tangents. There’s a real opportunity to refine the language and imagery to create something devastatingly beautiful rather than just devastating, though.
What drags this down is the lack of restraint. You’re saying everything. Every thought, every memory, every regret. Give us the raw, messy truth in your voice, not the voice heartbreak thinks it’s supposed to have. Think beyond!
All the best!
thank you for the feedback!