It's a work in progress. It needs a lot of editing, but I'm having a bit of writers block as to how to fix it up. All reviews will help. Thanks
It’s six o’clock in the morning. That alarm is anything but what I want to hear after just getting in just a few hours ago. My head is pounding, so this is what a hangover feels like. There is no way I can make it through school feeling like this. I feel miserable. What the hell happened last night anyway. Everything is kind of foggy in my head.
As much as I don’t want to, I have to go to school today. I haven’t missed a day of school since kindergarten, I’m not going to mess that up in my last year of high school. Besides, my mother would flip her lid if she were to ever find out about last night. No, I have to go, but I don’t want to.
Slowly I somehow manage to get ready. I am never doing that again. This is awful, how can everyone else do this every weekend. I never even would have gone if I hadn’t been invited by that one guy. You know the guy. The one that I have been crushing since I knew what a crush was. Yeah, that guy. His name is Nathan and I have never wanted to be with anyone but him. We’ve dated a few times, but always something comes up. I was hoping that we would get back together at the party. Now, I don’t even know if it happened. I can’t remember a thing.
I get to school and go straight to the nurse. I’m sure she’ll buy whatever bogus story I throw her way. If course, it work. I’ll get in a few hour nap before lunch. Lunch is the highlight of my day. That’s when I see him. Maybe then I’ll find out exactly what happened last.
The cafeteria smells awful. There is absolutely no way I am eating today. I’ll just sit at the back of the room and wait on Nathan. I know I look awful, where did I put my hair brush. Found it. I have to hurry before he gets here. I don’t want him to see me like this. Oh, crap. There he is. Ouch! I cut my freakin’ hand on my purse while trying to get the stupid brush back in. I grab a napkin and try to stop the bleeding. Oh no, he saw that.
“Hey sexy.” He looks so good today. How does he always look that good? He brushes his long brown hair out of his golden honey eyes as he says “Babe, what did you do? Here let me help.” He grabs the napkin out of my hand and leans in. Oh my god, he’s about to kiss me. “Last night was great. I could hardly tell it was you’re first time drinking.” He winks at me while he said that. Oh, my god. What exactly happened. I can not let him know I am such a lightweight. I have to act cool.
“Yeah right. I’m sure it was obvious.” I am trying so hard to not just ask him what happened. “There is no way I didn’t do something really stupid. I was very very drunk.”
“Oh. So you’re telling me you don’t remember?”
“Well, kind of. The last thing I remember is sitting on your lap and taking that shot you gave me”
“Which shot?” He chuckles a little. “You’re all done bleeding sexy” he says as he takes the napkin off of my hand. His warm hand surrounds mine. How can I be attracted to one person this much?
“Oh my god, there was more than one? Please tell me I didn’t do anything retarded.”
“Nope. Just me.” A smile spreads across his face.
“WHAT?!? I lost my virginity and I don’t even remember.” So much for staying cool.
“It’s okay baby. If you want, you can have a redo.” He is so sexy when he winks at me
“I don’t know about that. I can’t believe I did that. Oh well, at least it was with you. Guess it could have been worse.”
He glances at the clock, “don’t you have a class at eleven fifteen?”
“Yeah. Why?”
“Look at the time.”
“Shit. Thanks babe. Are you taking me home today?” Sometimes I hate being in advanced classes. It means only having fifteen minutes for lunch, fifteen minutes with him a day.
“Of course I’ll take my girlfriend home. But, only if you take a little time out of your busy schedule for me.”
“I’ll think about it.” I toss my long blonde hair and walk away. Wait, did he just say girlfriend. I run back and give him a kiss and run to class. I’m already late.
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
well we meet agian. this story is much different so far from your previous one. im not much for reviews so im just gonna say this. i think its great perspective from her mind. and as everyone else has said about rushing it i think the way you did it works too depending on her as a person. some people just dont really talk to anyone or do anything during school. this girl could be like that too and that is why it went from the nurse to lunch. there is one thing i would like to know tho that i have been thinking about since i started writing this. what is her name? noone knows and im sure im not the only one who has noticed this. but whoever she is she apparently loves Nathan alot. i cant wait to see this be edited and develope into more
Hi Eternal!
I like the way this story's heading. It's good.
I think you need to work on descriptions as Phoenix said. Maybe writing from her head is your style, but give us a little description. Just something that will form a scene in the reader's head.
I also think you need to slow down. It's going a little too fast for me.
I think you should describe a bit on her first reactions before her classes start. Maybe a little chat with a bunch of other people. The jump to the cafeteria is huge. I think a little description is needed here.
So basically that's about it. Just work on the descriptions and don't run with your
story and you'll be fine.
Cheers and hope this helped.
~Lava
Phoenix here to review
.It’s six o’clock in the morning. That alarm is anything but what I want to hear after just getting in just a few hours ago. My head is pounding, so this is what a hangover feels like. There is no way I can make it through school feeling like this. I feel miserable. What the hell happened last night anyway. Everything is kind of foggy in my head.
As much as I don’t want to, I have to go to school today. I haven’t missed a day of school since kindergarten, I’m not going to mess that up in my last year of high school. Besides, my mother would flip her lid if she were to ever find out about last night. No, I have to go, but I don’t want to.
Slowly I somehow manage to get ready. I am never doing that again. This is awful, how can everyone else do this every weekend. I never even would have gone if I hadn’t been invited by that one guy. You know the guy. The one that I have been crushing since I knew what a crush was. Yeah, that guy. His name is Nathan and I have never wanted to be with anyone but him. We’ve dated a few times, but always something comes up. I was hoping that we would get back together at the party. Now, I don’t even know if it happened. I can’t remember a thing.
If course, it work.
(of course it works) I'd assume
a few hours, what kind of school would allow that. Most schools let you stay for maybe an hour before they call your parents to pick you up. And the nurse happens to buy that she all of a sudden feels better when lunch rolls around.
Lunch is the highlight of my day. That’s when I see him. Maybe then I’ll find out exactly what happened last.
I see that you style is to write in her mind but you need some descriptions. Such as I searched my purse or I dumped the contents of my purse on the table.
No need for the caps or two punctuation
I lost my virginity and I don’t even remember.” So much for staying cool.
You use the word sexy too much.
I'm not sure what you intend this to be, but you need to add some descriptions. What things look like, smell like exactly. You say the cafeteria smells, but like what. I would have described her brushing her hair so the mention of her honey blond hair doesn't seem tacked on. If she's brushing it she's more likely to consider it's color. So I hoped I helped.