Published July 23, 2011
A short thud filled across the radiated room. It was warm; stuffy to a point where I was conscious of the discomfort of it all. I needed a crane to haul my eyelids open. I looked over the foot of the bed, towards the fogged over window, the only window. I had always fantasized about mist as clouds coming down from the heavens, and had always found days like these magical in a pretty pathetic way. Perhaps a bird had just peeked in to my homely retreat, in search of an adventure filled with gnomes and all of it’s speaking bird friends? Or maybe it just crashed into the glass due to the morning’s poor visibility, receiving fatal concussion and lay dead in my flower trough. My head snapped back into personal Nirvana. Quick thoughts of indecision raced through my mind; was it the cold kind of fog or was it tropical condensation? Oh what the hell, I lived in Florida. My hopes of snow were nearly as bad as the fact that there was probably a rotting corpse flattening my peonies. But then i thought, maybe dead flesh was fertilizer? Heck with it all. My alarm read 5:10. That bird should burn in hell.
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139,494 Literary Works • 672,584 Reviews
Hey there! Little Princess here for a review!
I was very interested when I saw how short this was but you did an incredible job with it. It was so simple but it managed to have purpose. I pointed out the few nitpicks I found. Since it is so short you need to keep in mind that little things give big impressions, like the self-deprecating comment set the tone for the character. Make sure that's your intention. The one thing I didn't like was the last line, it just seemed very harsh and out of line. I think you should take it out completely because it makes the character seem very unlikable. That is all, happy reviewing!
Hey there! Little Princess here for a review!
I was very interested when I saw how short this was but you did an incredible job with it. It was so simple but it managed to have purpose. I pointed out the few nitpicks I found. Since it is so short you need to keep in mind that little things give big impressions, like the self-deprecating comment set the tone for the character. Make sure that's your intention. The one thing I didn't like was the last line, it just seemed very harsh and out of line. I think you should take it out completely because it makes the character seem very unlikable. That is all, happy reviewing!
It was pretty dang good. You did discribe the setting, the character, the feel of the room. Great job! I can't wait to read the rest.
Thank you EscapeThat, i'm glad at least someone's understood my reasons behind this piece. That was the exact impression I initially meant to put across. No further thought; yet being able to exist independently despite it's unorthodox lenght.
Simply a peek into someone's homely retreat.
Respectfully yours,
Espeon.
I like little snatches of stories like this. It's a little window into someones world that does need any further elaboration and doesn't leave the question "What happened next?" in the air. A great anecdonte, shows that if you're creative enough you only need a few lines be evocative.
Woah, you are absoulutely right! I wasn't focusing on my narrative, the character's latest and most present thoughts made themselves comfortable and gradually began changing in tense. Hmph.
Not all jumbled up either, just sneakin' in to the last three lines.
Thanks for pointing that out!
E
That really was a short story. Yet, in that one paragraph you succesfully described the character's personality and attitude, you gave the setting and you even added some extra details. So, good job. Although, was the bird the one who had created the thud? Also, you switched between past and present tense. Racing, live, think, and hope were all present tense, but all the other verbs were past tense. So, you should fix that. Well, that's all my commenting.
Good job, I liked it.