Shadow King (Part One)

Okay, so i wrote a first draft of my fist-ish chapter. And I know it may not be the best piece of literature you've ever read (lol) But I'd really appreciate feedback about the flow, etc. primarily, I want to know, from the reader's point of view...
Is there enough description of the setting for the kind of work that this is?
Do I kill the suspense or do you have ANY desire to read on at all?

Thanks, much appreciated. :B

Chapter One

Dante

 

I swear, I didn't steal the ring.

I'm not a thief after all, am I? Why should a poor street urchin such as myself have an interest in that obscenely heavy gold thing, with what, the red... Ruby, was it? I have no desire for glorious, glittering treasures, and certainly take no pleasure from sneaking it away from the fat and wealthy Sir Aedrian. He needs it. Truly he does. After all, it is his most important jewel, the one that enables him to prove his authority to the people he enforces his will over. The trinket may be priceless, true, but how should I know that? And where would I sell the thing, anyway? Ugly thing as it is...

I stood quietly in the shadows, fingering the thick band, the smooth gemstone, contemplating what to do next. The lie was a bold one, the job dangerous, and when the guards caught me - rest assured, they would - I would have one hell of a time trying to worm my way out of their foul grasp. But it would be worth it. Oh yes, it would. 

I kept repeating my little mantra to myself. I was an actor, a master of my craft, and the first rule of lying is that you must nearly believe the lie yourself in order for others to fall for it. So I waited for my moment, and as the last guard disappeared beyond the edge of a stone wall I made my move. The small street was lit by torches, but they gave little light to the shadows I was hiding in. Stealthily, my body pressed up against the wet brick behind me, I inched sideways to where my horse awaited. While most men far preferred to ride stallions, I had a strong like for this dainty, reliable female. The black mare was quiet, as I had trained her well, and only greeted me with a slight nuzzle. I gave her a small pat on the shoulder, quickly checked the girth, and vaulted onto her back, drawing a deep breath of fresh night air. 

A soft nicker.

"Shh, Yenfri"

The tack jingled as she shifted her weight and got ready to gallop off, but I tightened my hold on the reins. The time had not yet come. I didn't wish to be discovered. As long as that remained true, I would be free. The people of this city had not named me Shadow for nothing. 

My hair was tied back with a leather strip, which I undid and used to securely fasten a rough cloth around the lower half of my face. It smelled of sour milk, but It would not do to have multiple men of power recognize me at this stage of my elaborate game. In the dark, with my entirely black attire and swarthy skin, I would not be easily spotted. 

I felt the ring one last time. Threw it with all my strength until it landed in one of the many clay pots propped up against the brick wall to my right. It clinked satisfyingly against the ceramic surface. 

And thus the games began.

I squeezed with my knees lightly and Yenfri moved forward, her hooves clicking loudly on the slick cobblestone. The sound was bound to draw attention, so I crouched as low as I could in my saddle, trying to look like a very nervous thief. 

I heard the guards' deep voices in the distance as they put out the torches surrounding the city. There were three of them, enough to subdue me if I didn't really try. They were speaking quietly, idly, laughing about some poor girl they had manhandled in a back alley earlier. I felt my blood come to a rolling boil as they described her terror. My fist clenched hard in Yenfri's mane. 

Patience. My time would come.

When the last torch went out, I made my move. 

I tapped the mare's flank with my heel, pulling up her reins to shorten her stride. The result was a rather noisy trot that echoed loudly, bouncing around the closed walls and multiplying into the thunderous sound of numerous hoofbeats. The guards stopped in their tracks, silent, and my narrowed eyes caught the glint of a blade.

"Halt! By order of King Acrisius, state your name and business."

I stopped Yenfri. The absolute silence that ensued was deafening.

A whispered command in her ear, and the horse whinnied as if in surprise.

"There!"

I sensed them pointing rather than saw, wheeled Yenfri around just as they ran for their own mounts. 

"Stop!" 

"In the name of King Acrisius, halt!"

But I had already cantered off, albeit slowly to let them catch up. As soon as the torches came back on, they would give chase, and it would not do to have me vanish from sight. 

I grinned. This would be easy. Almost too easy to be fun. 

With the sounds of pursuit on my heels, I turned Yenfri so that my side was exposed to the clumsy guards following me. The narrow alley which I had turned to shielded me from their eyes, but not for long. Soon they would see my silhouette outlined against the stark paleness of the stones, and the first arrows would fly. I had to be ready. 

I reached into my bag. Just as the first guard wheeled around the corner, I tossed the object at him. He was young, just a boy, and I almost felt sorry for him when the smoke bomb exploded just feet ahead of him. Through the chaos, I could hear shouting and angry curses as the men tried to walk through the smoke. It was no good. The air was poison - not enough to kill them, but enough to make them retch and pass out at the very least. I kept my mouth and nose covered, and quickly urged Yenfri to depart. 

As I turned again and again, leading the men on a wild slalom between the various buildings, hiding under their very noses when they searched, I thought of my lie. I embedded it in my brain, let the cold night air sear it into my skin and become me. I let the sour smell of my cloth burn it into my essence, and the ache of many days in saddle brand it into my soul. I let myself become a man that was not me. 

I slid quietly into another alley, and this time dismounted. I had minutes before the guards came this way. I had to act fast. 

“I’m sorry, Yenfri. Forgive me.”

With that, I gave her a hard slap on the flank. The poor, confused thing whinnied and bolted, dashing out and straight into the path of the guards. I ran after her. 

“Oi!” I shouted, allowing my voice to take on a heavy, Eastern lilt. “Come on back ‘ere, you dumb horse!”

“There he is! Seize him!” 

As Yenfri fled, I turned around as if frightened and surprised to see them there. They were almost on me, their faces unrecognizable in the night, their swords pointed in my direction. They were quite the overeager bunch, one of them stabbing at me experimentally with his blade. I dodged easily but stumbled, fell to the ground. He grabbed me instantly by the shirt collar, hoisted me up and threw me against the nearest wall face first.  

I gasped to catch a breath, hearing voices, feeling their cold hands binding me with a pair of irons. They locked with a loud chink. One of the men laughed. He was the same one who laughed hardest about the girl they had terrorized. My face was pressed against the wall, but I could almost feel his voice when he said,

“This’ll be interesting, eh, mates? He’s in for a spot of trouble, he is.”

He grabbed me by the collar again and turned me to face him. I put up a little resistance for show, until he gave my gut a punch that had me doubled over and gagging. 

No big deal, I breathed to myself as spots swam before my eyes. You expected this, remember? It’s all worth it. All of this will be worth it. 

“Don’t struggle so, boy,” he said with a malicious smile, his hard, cold eyes twinkling with a sick satisfaction at having brought me into a pained half-crouch. “Save yer strength for the Inspector. He’ll want to have words.”

Oh, I was sure he would. Despite being out of breath, I smiled beneath the covering on my face. As they led me away, shoving me quite a bit harder than was necessary and no doubt imagining the fake bounty they hoped was placed on my head, I thought about my lie. I let it become me. 

Everything had gone according to plan.