The Neverending Love Song

ahh, very romantic and very pretty. good job.

This isn't even close to a critique, really. I just wanted to say that that was truly incredible. Anything that I could say to help has most likely already been expressed. That has got to be one of my favorite things I've read so far on YWS. :]

I hope you continue to write things like this!!
Definitely Gold Star material.

--- James

A friend (KnightleyAngel) told me to read this one. Glad she did, cause i fell in LOVE with it! I keep reading it over and over again. This one deserves another star!

Very emotional work.

This is definitely a star.

Some of the stanzas gave me a faint glimmer of classic love, the almost unending desire and passion for one person that carries on no matter what.

I loved the large emphasis on escaping, in some sense overt as in eloping and what not and in others subtle, like an on foot escape to somewhere close yet so far removed from it all.

I like the glimpses into a possible future, the continued love through the years, definately a plus.

Keep it up, made me sigh hah.

Exe's and Oh's, Eraqio.

Wow that is beautiful! Out of all of the poems I've read on this site I can easily say that this is my favourite! I love it because the way it's written seems so natural and doesn't feel forced at all. I can't wait to read more of your poems!

That was actually pretty good. A sweet story, if a little sappy.

A few things to watch out for:

Firstly, you have a lovely rhythm going but it does get a bit awkward in places. Perhaps try tapping out the beat as you read to get the feel for where it's tripping up.

Secondly, watch the punctuation. While you don't need to have a comma at the end of every line, a bit more direction would probably be helpful. Also, you don't need to capitalise the beginning of every line; treat the sentences like you would if they were in prose and you shouldn't go far wrong.

Otherwise, I'm sure the other reviewers have pretty much covered everything, and those were the only things that really bothered me. Kudos on a nice poem

Cheers,
~bubbles

When i clicked on the link i was dreading some cheesy love song. I couldn't have been more wrong! Your rhyming was perfect, never too repetitive. Your rhythm was on the spot. Also your thoughts seemed to age as you got farther in the poem.

Great job!

~Poem

(gold star)

This made me go "AWWWW!" Hahaha. This is beautiful.

I felt like this line doesn't fit, though:

And I swear that I will find you

For you I’d die a thousand deaths, I’d run a thousand miles

We’ll sit and remember days of now, when there was no end in sight

I’ll hold you in my dying arms, kissing you goodnight

You ricochet inside my skull, like a pinball machine

Trespassing my darkest secrets, inhabiting my dreams

Hey,

I'm not really critiquing here. Just wondering in your first line "From the very moment my eyes fell upon you, alone on sandy beach" did you mean Sandy beach in NSW or just a beach that is sandy?

If you did mean Sandy beach WOO. I've been there a few times. Not for a while but I have some good memories from there haha. If you didn't mean that then... wow I just made a fool of myself didn't I?

I really liked this piece! You must have really loved this girl. You even said you would die for her. It astounds me how people love so openly and fall so heavily into that love. I think it's fantastic!

I am truly sorry if it didn't work out but to write this piece you must have felt... indescribably.

Once again a fantastic piece!

BeckFletch. xx

This was just the cutest poem ever! I love it! My favorite line(s) will have to be:

We'll light matches in our footprints, burning all that's ever been

We'll race the sun to the horizon, then rest under the stars

We'll dance a tango through the skies, at mercy of the weather

This was heart wrenching. I loved. I was actually tearing up. It shows depth and emotion about the feelings of true love. Showing the hope and tranquility it can give a person. I can not say it enough, I loved this. It was a classic love poem brought on by true feelings, making it able to connect to the reader. Extraordinary. You are very good. Keep writing! *Gold Star*

I really like this poem. Love poems tend to end up cliched, so I was really surprised when I read this one. It was done in a very unique way.
My only suggestion is that you should add punctuation to make it flow better. Many people think that punctuation isn't necessary, but yep, it is. ^^

Anyway:


"You ricochet inside my skull, like a pinball machine

Trespassing my darkest secrets, inhabiting my dreams

I speak a word you sing a song, I stare blankly and you smile

For you I’d die a thousand deaths, I’d run a thousand miles"


I really love this stanza.

Very good work, keep it up. ^^

good lord, that is beautiful. my first time logging on here, and what do I find? =]
I think it was strongest in the middle, and got a bit... not exactly cliche, but done in the beginning and end. overall, gorgeous. my favorite parts:


We'll only take ourselves, our love, a can of kerosene
We'll light matches in our footprints, burning all that's ever been
We'll write letters to each other; float them in bottles out to sea
Love songs never to be sung, except by you and me
--
And then our ghostly forms will rise, to be scattered by the salt
But nothing will ever tear us apart, neither storm nor lightning bolt
We'll dance a tango through the skies, at mercy of the weather
Together for eternity. Just you and me forever

KnightlyAngel09 wrote:I felt rather guilty that whenever I review your poems I'm not too helpful so here. I'm not sure though but I shall try.

erratik_statik wrote:From the very moment my eyes fell upon you, alone on sandy beach shouldn't it be 'a sandy beach'?
Your skin as brown as treated wood, your hair as white as bleach
You became my one and only, in stealing half my soul
You became my one ambition, my solitary goal

You ricochet inside my skull, like a pinball machine I love this comparison.
Trespassing my darkest secrets, inhabiting my dreams
I speak a word you sing a song, I stare blankly and you smile
For you I'd die a thousand deaths, I'd run a thousand milesThis stanza is absolutely lovely

And I swear that I will find you; I'll hold you in my arms
We'll elope to distant beaches, you'll never come to harm
We'll run away from city smoke, high rise buildings, steel and cars
We'll race the sun to the horizon, then rest under the stars

We'll only take ourselves, our love, a can of kerosene
We'll light matches in our footprints, burning all that's ever been
We'll write letters to each other; float them in bottles out to sea
Love songs never to be sung, except by you and me

And when we get too old, too slow, to keep up with the sun
We'll walk across the endless sand; we do not need to run
Our race is drawing to a close; I may have days before I'm dead
But I do not need time on my side, if you are there instead


The sun will slowly creep away, knowing we are beat
And we will stand and wave goodbye, gracious in defeat
We'll sit and remember days of now, when there was no end in sight
I'll hold you in my dying arms, kissing you goodnight

And when the curtain does descend and leave us in the gloom
I'll be lying right there next to you, I'll share your starry tomb
I need no pearly gates, no clouds, just sand and salty air
Why would I need angels if my own angel is right there?

And then our ghostly forms will rise, to be scattered by the salt
But nothing will ever tear us apart, neither storm nor lightning bolt
We'll dance a tango through the skies, at mercy of the weather
Together for eternity. Just you and me forever






just don't ask me how it turned out :-p lol

Okay. I still don't believe I'm being too helpful. I have no suggestions to give because I am in love with this poem. It is brilliant. Another amazing poem. gold star definitely. This is first class love poetry.

I felt rather guilty that whenever I review your poems I'm not too helpful so here. I'm not sure though but I shall try.

erratik_statik wrote:From the very moment my eyes fell upon you, alone on sandy beach shouldn't it be 'a sandy beach'?
Your skin as brown as treated wood, your hair as white as bleach
You became my one and only, in stealing half my soul
You became my one ambition, my solitary goal

You ricochet inside my skull, like a pinball machine I love this comparison.
Trespassing my darkest secrets, inhabiting my dreams
I speak a word you sing a song, I stare blankly and you smile
For you I’d die a thousand deaths, I’d run a thousand milesThis stanza is absolutely lovely

And I swear that I will find you; I’ll hold you in my arms
We’ll elope to distant beaches, you’ll never come to harm
We’ll run away from city smoke, high rise buildings, steel and cars
We’ll race the sun to the horizon, then rest under the stars

We’ll only take ourselves, our love, a can of kerosene
We’ll light matches in our footprints, burning all that’s ever been
We’ll write letters to each other; float them in bottles out to sea
Love songs never to be sung, except by you and me

And when we get too old, too slow, to keep up with the sun
We’ll walk across the endless sand; we do not need to run
Our race is drawing to a close; I may have days before I’m dead
But I do not need time on my side, if you are there instead


The sun will slowly creep away, knowing we are beat
And we will stand and wave goodbye, gracious in defeat
We’ll sit and remember days of now, when there was no end in sight
I’ll hold you in my dying arms, kissing you goodnight

And when the curtain does descend and leave us in the gloom
I’ll be lying right there next to you, I’ll share your starry tomb
I need no pearly gates, no clouds, just sand and salty air
Why would I need angels if my own angel is right there?

And then our ghostly forms will rise, to be scattered by the salt
But nothing will ever tear us apart, neither storm nor lightning bolt
We’ll dance a tango through the skies, at mercy of the weather
Together for eternity. Just you and me forever






just don't ask me how it turned out :-p lol