The Peppercorns
It was nice when you came back to me, talked to me as if nothing went wrong between us. But it did. And you were not there when my world was spinning, probably like the peppercorns in a blender; ground into small pieces. That was when he came. He pick me up pieces by pieces and I gave him all the flavors I have and all the taste he need. A sprinkle of me in his days; the good ones and the bad ones, a sprinkle of me in his laughter, a sprinkle of me every now and then. Meanwhile, I was still the one who stung your eyes and make you cry, you used too much of me and you told me that I made you sick. He just brings out the best of me when I was never enough for you but I am still me, the peppercorns.
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,798 Reviews
That's really good Gabe keep it up!!
Hi there, erinnasir! Welcome to YWS! This is a lovely poem and I have a few thoughts I'd like to share with you.
First, a few nitpicks.
I would take out the word "probably" because it makes the narrator seem uncertain, which contrasts the rest of the poem, which seems to be pretty confident in the fact that this person did, in fact, shatter them like peppercorns in a blender. Removing "probably" will give that line so much more strength, because that line explains the title of the poem and is the premise of what the poem is all about and you don't want the reader to feel uncertain as they go into the rest of the poem, but positive and ready to side with the narrator.
I think you mean "piece by piece" here? It has a better flow to it, so I suggest changing from plurals to singulars.
I would avoid using the word "sprinkle" this often, and in one sentence, too. There are synonyms you could go with, like "dash" or "a pinch of". Or, you could just use sprinkle in the first sentence and then go on to refer to the rest without mentioning the amount, but only if you keep them all in one sentence. Using "sprinkle" that often makes the word repetitive and ruins the response you're attempting to provoke from the audience.
Now, onto the poem itself. It's a great poem and I love the metaphor of comparing the narrator to peppercorns. I love the obvious contrast between the old lover and the new one and how each one makes the narrator feel, how the new lover appreciates the narrator more than the old lover ever did. This poem has great imagery and tells a beautiful, yet sad, story.
However, I felt that the ending was a bit flat. It led up to a great finale, and the beginning of the last sentence was good, but I think it could've gone out with a bigger impact. I just feel like there could've been more to add, even if it was a few words more. The narrator is still them, the peppercorns... and then what? And they're okay with that? And they like being the way they are? I just feel like there's something missing there at the end, so maybe play with it for a bit and see if you have anything else you wanna add?
Overall, it was a great poem and I enjoyed it very much. Keep on writing
Hey there, erinnasir --
Did something happen with your formatting? You can go in and edit your post to fix it up, and I'll come back to see how it looks then as well. Until then, I'll comment on the content.
I am liking the extended metaphor that you've built this poem around, and the fact that you have the guts to take on a narrative about three people and their feelings rather than just two, which is pretty common in relationship poems, you know?
One thing I would suggest would be to take out the uncertainty in your voice. You know you have a good comparison going here, so you don't need to say "probably" like the peppercorns -- just say you are like the peppercorns, or EVEN MORE powerfully: you are the peppercorns in a blender (although, did you mean grinder like a spice grinder?).
I think that the idea that he gets to pick "you" up piece by piece is powerful, because how much focus and care would it take to pick up pieces of pepper, right? But then I think the word "sprinkle" just goes too far past the elegant tone you've been working toward. Yes, we do sprinkle pepper, but it almost feels TOO literal, where I just wanted a poetic comparison.
I think you could work on making the last part of the poem more elegant in terms of sentence structure as well. "You used too much of me and you told me that I made you sick" is again really literally connected to the peppercorns. Could you bring it back more toward describing what happened in the actual relationship? How does "using too much of me" happen in the relationship? Did the characters spend too much time together, or what?
I hope these thoughts are helpful for you! PM me or reply here if you have any questions/comments. Good luck and thanks for sharing!
Hannah
Hello erinnasir,
This poem was intriguing! Stylistically, it is very original though I am not sure I would call it narrative poetry. Perhaps, free verse?
It is short and direct, which is appealing, and the thought you put into your imagery is apparent.
Onto the review....................
"It was nice when you came back to me, talked to me as if nothing went wrong between us. But it did. And you were not there when my world was spinning, probably like the peppercorns in a blender; ground into small pieces.
I liked this imagery. I can envision the chaos of the speakers world.
"That was when he came. He pick me up pieces by pieces and I gave him all the flavors I have and all the taste he need.
This felt a tad bit awkward. "Pieces by pieces" might sound better as "piece by piece". You also have some tense confusion in "I GAVE him all the flavors that I HAVE and all the taste he NEED". I personally would word it as so: "I gave him all the flavors that I contain, and all the taste that he needed."
I'm also a little unsure of the meaning of giving him 'all the taste he needs/needed.' It seems slightly redundant after explaining that you have offered him what 'flavors' you possess, and it wasn't good enough for him.
"A sprinkle of me in his days; the good ones and the bad ones, a sprinkle of me in his laughter, a sprinkle of me every now and then. Meanwhile, I was still the one who stung your eyes and make you cry, you used too much of me and you told me that I made you sick. He just brings out the best of me when I was never enough for you but I am still me, the peppercorns."
This last line confused me a bit. Are "He" and "You" different people? As a reader, after I read this line, I no longer know for certain whom the speaker is addressing.
Overall, nice work erinnasir! I hope to see more of your work here on YWS! If I can answer any questions, feel free to shoot me a PM.
Write On,
Mav
Mavis Knightley
www.mavisknightley.weebly.com