When the sun closes her eyes,
And Earth's light goes to sleep.
The world is in it's loneliest state,
Too many lay and weep.
But for those with company,
They lie so warm in bed.
Warm from thoughts or from somebody,
Only joyful tears they shed.
But for me it's in between,
I love someone you see,
And they love me back,
But there's just one fact you need.
Miles across the land,
We lie in rooms of sand.
Slowly sinking in loneliness.
And tenderly hurting ourselves.
But one day, darling,
We'll be free.
They say absence makes the heart,
Grow fonder, every night.
And every day when I think of you,
They couldn't be more right.
The crescent moon is awake,
The church bells start to ring.
With this feeling I can reach the stars,
Carry them for you and sing.
But I'm crying don't you see?
You hurt inside for me,
With every blink of my eyes,
I slowly die inside, so does he.
Miles across the land,
We lie in rooms of sand.
Slowly sinking in loneliness.
And tenderly hurting ourselves.
But one day, darling,
We'll be free.
Someday after we fade,
We'll meet across the glade,
We'll forget our situations,
And run to temptation,
With no hesitation...we made it!
Miles across the land,
We lie in rooms of sand.
Slowly sinking in loneliness.
And tenderly hurting ourselves.
But one day, darling,
We'll be free.
Just like we wanted to be.
So free.
You and me.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,014 Literary Works • 672,845 Reviews
Greetings, erinlyric! Retro already pointed most of the major issues with this piece, but I found a few problems grammar problems. I'll get right down to it.
It should be "its" without an apostrophe! This is such a common error but it never ceases to peeve me. "It's" is a contraction of "it is", while "its" shows possession.
The bolded "lay" should be "lie"; to recline or be flat on a surface is to "lie." The past tense of that word would be "lay." But here, you're using "lay" in the present tense, which means "to place."
I like the phrase "tenderly hurting ourselves." What's with the period after "loneliness", though? It really disrupts the flow. This happened numerous other times in the poem, random periods that
This whole section is quite cliche.
I agree that the refrain does to help the poem's impact--indeed the repetition makes the poem unnecessarily long, makes it more difficult to slog through. I love the title and you do show some flashes of bright imagery here, but the poem is bogged down with excess baggage.
Hey,
I shall be your reviewer today.
This poem was really hard to read. The sentences felt really drawn out and wordy. The repetition of the two stanzas does nothing for the poem. It just adds something which is unnecessary in my opinion.
The actual content of the piece was really good and I have read many a love poem, so I know a good one when I see it.
I would try some re wording and play around with stanzas and things.
If you edit, I would happily review for you again.
PM for anything.
~Retro Disco666