Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm Knight Hardy here on a mission to ensure that all works on YWS has at least two reviews. You will probably never see this but....Imma do this anyway.
Anyway let's get right to it,
A new semester a new start, I thought to myself as I walked through the old school doors of Olympia High school. The swift smell of boys locker room hit me, the smell brought memories back to my mind. The time Carter and I skipped class and drove to the beach was one of my favorites, but Carters gone now. He died in a car accident six months ago, I was with him. There was alcohol involved so things didn't go well. But with a new semester I'll be able to try to move on and get back with my crew. Cindy and Hannah, my best friends. The second I opened my eyes Cindy's bright blue eyes were right in front of my face, "Pheona, Your back! What's your first class?" she had that childish grin on her face with excitement, the same one she always has with her freckles and scrunched up nose. Before I could answer Hannah spotted us and ran up to me "Pheona sweetie theres a new guy, his names Chad. He's a total hottie from California." Hannah's what you call 'boy crazy' she's all over every guy andh as slept with at least half the school boys.
Okayy....well, that was quite a start, that first paragraph contained quite a bit of information for being...well, only the first paragraph there...it seem like you're trying to establish this person's backstory and then proceed to introduce the friends and their personalities and all of it so quickly that you're missing out on making each of these things memorable to the reader.
The biggest factor in that here is the very startling lack of emotional response on the part of having lost a best friend there...cause I would next expect this person to just waltz into school trying to move past things and act quite so casual with their friends here...you need to see more of a lasting effect that's on this person, or else it just seems like that very important sounding point of their backstory is completely dismissed. And on top of that, putting both these thoughts of the past and the introduction of what sort of people these friends are in the same paragraph is also not a very good idea. I feel like you need to break this up into a few pieces to start with and then also think about describing these personalities a bit more through what they do and not outright tell us at the very beginning here.
I ignored what Hannah said and replied to Cindy instead "Hey guys, I have English first period whichI'm almost late to so I have to go. I'll talk to you at lunch."
"I'll walk you to class," Cindy offered "its on my way to math anyway. You coming too Hannah?"
Hannah had her mind on something else. "I'll catch up with you guys later, I just saw Chad with another girl. That bitch is gonna pay!" She ran off after Chad and Cindy and I walked to class.
Now the ending to this chapter here is actually paced well, if this was just a dialogue scene like that with perhaps minimal reference to the dead friend, and showcasing a bit more emotional impact on our main character while also perhaps showcasing the personality of the two friends through only dialogue, this would all in all make for a much stronger first chapter here.
At any rate, on the whole, the premise here seems like it could be fairly good here, but as far as the execution goes in this first chapter, it needs quite a bit of work before it can be at its best here. It does seem like something I'd potentially read.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
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