Published September 8, 2012
Im sorry guys but this is just a rough draft of what i want to be a short story, i was just fooling around when i thought of this dialogue.
“Why would you do this?! I was your best friend!” she screamed at me.
“Yeah, I WAS your best friend…” I said to her.
“Out of all the secrets I told you, why would you do this to me?! I was nice to you, I was friendly to you, and yet now you treat me like nothing, like I was shit!”
“Maybe I did this because you trust others too quickly; maybe you throw this sob story on everyone that has a too fragile heart. Just because you were nice and were friendly to me, doesn’t mean crap Ashley”
“I trusted you because I thought you understood me, I guess that was crap also huh?”
“Maybe it was, maybe it wasn’t. I don’t hold the answers Ashley, only you can if you dodge the bullet”
As I spoke those last words, I pulled out my revolver, and pointed it at her. I slowly pulled back to release the bullet.
“You’re fucking crazy!” she screamed. She turned her back to me and began to run away. But it was too late; I had already pulled the trigger. The bullet entered her back and exited her abdomen faster than I could imagine. She fell face first into the concrete. Groans escape from her mouth as the blood pours from her wound. I walk to her side and pull her to face up. She starts coughing blood as she shivers.
“You fuckin-ng bi-i…” before she could finish her sentence, I pulled the revolver to her forehead.
“Death is not a choice, it is a given!” as I screamed those words, tears started to roll down Ashley’s face.
“Please, I beg of you! You don’t have to do this!”
“no. I have to do this. The world will be a lot better without people like you in this world”
I pulled my revolver to the middle of her forehead and spoke, “It’s not like anybody will find your body anyways,I dispose of my victims, all my victims, and your just another body to me” I pulled back the trigger shot her in the forehead. I watched the blood drizzle down the front of her forehead, down her nose, down her cheek. Her eyes stayed open, fear and mercy within them. I closed her eyes slowly and stood over her.
When I took this position I never thought it would be so fun, I thought to myself as a smile started to develop across my face, stretched from ear to ear. I looked up to see it starting to rain. I opened my mouth and laughed. Laughed at the pain. Laughed at the misery. Laughed at the pitiful human life source that that girl was. The rain fell upon my face with such grace. As the smile was still on my face, I walked over to her and looked at her.
“If only you knew what I could do before you poured your heart to me” I looked into her chest, focusing, and out came a ball of red light. I took it in my hands and stared into it. My teeth started to sharpen and my mouth widen as I slurped it into my mouth. As the ball of red light went into my body, I felt a change. The pain in my stomach increased, my face skin started to peel off and new skin develop. All the pain I was feeling was unbearable. I collapsed onto the ground and struggled. Before I did anything else, I grabbed ahold of Ashley’s dead ankle and spoke the words.
“Thy be dead, thy be free, thou shall be sent away with all their fear and misery”
Just in a glimpse before blacking out, she turned into a sparkling dust and blew off into the wind.
Success, I thought, I then blacked out.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,504 Literary Works • 672,591 Reviews
Hey er334,
I won't go into detail as others have done it before me.
All I can say is that I agree with Rarity, that yes, you need to proofread your work.
Also, while I can follow your story, you do need to have more than just dialogue. Inserting some descriptive writing in-between your characters speaking will give a much clearer idea concerning the setting and placement of your story.
I will also jump into cold water and say that your story is very...um, teenager-ish. This is how you wrote it, and I'm in no place to pull that down, but just so you are aware of it, I want you to know that yes, it is painfully clear that it is a teenager who wrote it.
The melodrama and 'loud-ness' of your story is the big giveaway.
In saying that, you sure do have potential.
I look forward to reading more.
NightWriter x
Hey there dove,
So I really like this. I think it has potential to become more then a short story. This brief section would make a good prologue. Where as editing is concerned, you need to do some proofreading. Be careful and take your time editing your work. Other then that, I thought it was good. I would love to see the story continued.
Rarity♦
Hey there!
This was really exciting, but it felt like it was only a glimpse of what it could be. I feel, this could be the beginning of something bigger, maybe not a short story? Anyways. Before you possibly go on to write more, there were some errors.
First off, it really helps me and other readers when the paragraphs are indented. It's just easier to read and easier to depict if they are indented.
Secondly here are some nitpicks:
Don't capitalize to make a word stand out, maybe italicize instead. The only successful capitalization I've seen is in the 7th Harry Potter book when Belatrix is about to get Hermione and her mom shouts "NOT MY DAUGHTER YOU B...!" These words popped out at you during the intense battle. Even then, they were sorta unnecessary.
"'...I was friendly to you, and yet now you treat me like nothing, like I was shit!'” The was after nothing should be am I believe because you're saying now you treat me like nothing.
"'...and were friendly to me, doesn’t mean crap Ashley.'” This should have a comma before Ashley.
"'no. I have to do this.'" Here, capitalize the 'No.'
Anyways, I believe that is all I took note of. Just proofread a little more before posting.
Otherwise, this was very exciting and caused me to want more of the story. To have it slowed down, and spaced out between chapters so I can follow a plot. Keep writing!
-Jadefox
Good effort, but it seemed a little rushed. First, the concrete stuff:
"...maybe you throw this sob story on everyone that has *too fragile a heart." (in my opinion, "too fragile a heart" looks a little better)
*"...doesn’t mean crap Ashley.” (remember ending punctuation)
*"...only you can if you dodge the bullet.” (same as above)
“*No. I have to do this." (capitalize "no")
*"The world will be a lot better without people like you.” (ending punctuation, plus two "world"s was a little repetitive)
*“It’s not like anybody will find your body anyways. I dispose of my victims, all my victims, and *you're just another body to me.” (fixed up the punctuation and "you're" instead of "your")
*"...shall be sent away with all their fear and misery.” (once again, ending punctuation)
Like I said, it's a bit rushed. Describing the setting and appearances of the characters makes it a little easier for the reader to picture the story in their minds as well. Other than that, not bad, keep practicing. ^^
I am ...... confused. I think you did some good things with this piece, and I really was not expecting the ending, nor do I understand it, but I assume that there is more to come, so I won't worry about that.
Okay, I will start with a few grammar issues, first,
"Just because you were nice and were friendly to me, doesn’t mean crap COMMA Ashley"
You just missed the comma there, not a big deal, but still important. Next,
"no CAPITALIZE. I have to do this."
First word of a sentence, has to be capitalized.
Another thing, you may want to consider formatting. Add some spaces in the text in order to make it easier to read. I know, when you copy from word to here it sometimes screws it up,but just be careful to fix it.
Also, I wanted to talk about this line,
“It’s not like anybody will find your body anyways,I dispose of my victims, all my victims, and your just another body to me”
To be honest, this doesn't seem like something the character would say. They might think that, but would you actually say that to another person? It seems more like a thought that she would resent thinking than something the character would say.
One more thing, (I know, I know, I'm almost done) perhaps describe the scene a bit more. It is a lot of dialogue, which is great, but you want to give the reader a feel of where, when, and in what conditions this happens. Just give that a little more time and I think it will be a lot better.
So, good start, I think you just need to give it a bit more attention. Keep up the good work!
Zeph