Okay, before I get ahead of myself, we have to get some things straight:
1) Yes, I am a werewolf. I have a pack. Actually, it’s not mine. But I might as well own it-I’m the only female.
2) What ever you think you know about werewolves, YOU DO NOT. Chances are you got your so-called knowledge from watching movies, a.k.a. Hollywood. We all know Hollywood gets everything wrong. Point proven, end of story. (Well, there may be one or two accurate things. You’ll find out about them in a minute.)
3) Werewolves have never EVER been friends with vampires, and vice versa. It’s just not right.
And now on to me. And my pack. May name is Asriel. Asriel Redbird. I’m half Navajo, half Irish, and all badass. Seriously. So is the rest of my pack. It’s a good precaution against anyone trying to get too friendly with us, to get to know us. I’m sixteen, five foot ten, with long, straight black hair, and topaz-golden eyes. Now, enough about me. You must be wondering about my pack. (Like I said before, it’s not really mine, but I’ll call it mine to minimize confusion.) And if you’re not, you should be, because I’m assuming you’re a human. So, here’s a brief ‘pack stat’, as you mortals call it:
James, our alpha. (For you dimwits, that’s the leader.) He’s mostly quiet, reserved. Very smart, and confident, too. He’s the oldest and largest of all of us, being nineteen and six-six, earning him his position. He’s also the drop-dead gorgeous one. You know-blonde hair, deep topaz eyes, model-perfect body? Yeah, thought so.
Bryson, the beta. (Again, dimwits: second-in command.) Complete opposite of James. Short, dark and ugly. (Not really- all of us are quite beautiful, if not slightly over-muscled.) and talkative. But don’t get me wrong, he’s a good leader. When he wants to be.
David, along with the rest of us, has no position, but he’s the sweetest one out of the pack. He has slightly reddish hair, and hazel colored eyes. He’s the one who usually breaks up the fights. And trust me, there are fights.
And last, but certainly not least (I love catchy phrases-especially clichés.), Zachary. He may be the youngest, but he will definitely surprise you. He happens to be our local astrologer. Yep, he can ‘read the sky’, as he calls it. But you really wouldn’t know it, looking at his chocolate brown hair, blue eyes, and small composure. But, damn it, if he starts his sentence with, "Well, according to the sky...” then you better pay attention.
All right, enough of that. Before we move on to the actual story, I have a little myth-busting to do. As I mentioned earlier, Hollywood gets everything wrong. And what do I mean by everything? Well, for one, we don’t change into huge, monstrous half-human beings that barely resemble wolves every full moon. No, in fact, we can change at will. We just become stronger during a full moon. Also, we look just like regular wolves, just slightly bigger. Werewolves also have a higher body temperature, about one hundred none degrees, so don’t; expect us to pop up in any hospital-we heal pretty quickly anywise.
There’s also this weird thing about our eyes. We all have golden, or close to it, colored eyes. Well, except for Zachary. But he’s weird anywise. Also, our eyes glow in the moonlight, like an animal’s. That’s mainly how we tell if someone is one of us. That, and the slightly larger-than-normal canines.
Ok, I think we’ve covered enough for now. Let’s get on to the story.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,015 Literary Works • 672,845 Reviews
Wow that was really good. Everyone thinks that you read Maximum Ride but I'm guessing Twilight!!! I love twilight but i don't really side with the werewolves I'm more of a Vampire girl myself!! I still liked it though
-- Lucky
It seems like werewolf enthusiasts are really into your writing Enjeru. Well I, being somewhat bored with the whole werewolf thing, find your writing very interesting. I like Asriel's attitude and the odd format with which you wrote. Can't say I'm thrilled about the whole werewolf aspect but I'd like to read more of this anyway so let me know if you put it up.
WOW!
Getting a lot of attention are we?
lol
I just so happen to LOVE IT!!!
so true is this all!
anyway just stopping by to say PAWS OFF of my equally werewolf obsessed friend ^.^
MINE!
(I'm an alpha so therefor very protective and possesive. I have territorial issues. lol ^.^)
No problem. Thanks for clarifying.
Hmmm... I've been seeing a lot of warewolf stories on here lately --odd! Not bad, but just interesting. I guess our society is going through a phase.
Anyway, I'm sure this story will be very original and thoroughly enjoyabe! (and yours too, BBB) ...
I'm rambling, so I'll say bye now.
~Azila~
EDIT: This is my 200th post!!
Ha. I agree with Fangala because this sounds like Maximum Ride, and I loved it. I'm surprised that you could write like that and not have read it!
Well:
there was only one thing that you should change.
Remember where you went like this:
1. blah blah blah
2. blah blah blah
3. blah blah blah
Yeah, well you should change those into regular paragraphs. It would make it seem more professional. Other than that:
I am also writing a werewolf novel, and my guys sound exactly like that! I just thought that it was cool how we both came up with the same stuff! (ex: my guys transform at will. Full moon has no effect...ect.)
I LOVED your voice. Very sassy and to the point. I can tell that this is gonna be freaking awesome!
BBB
sorry....>.>
this:
Werewolves also have a higher body temperature, about one hundred none degrees, so don’t; expect us to pop up in any hospital-we heal pretty quickly anywise.
was supposed to be this:
Werewolves also have a higher body temperature, about one hundred nine degrees, so don’t expect us to pop up in any hospital-we heal pretty quickly anyways.
i think i was tired when i posted it, and forgot to double-check. sorry.
Overall:
Try to read it to yourself, taking a long pause whenever you come across a period.
I really enjoyed reading this and I think it has a lot of potential. However, it seems like it was written by a completely different person than the person who wrote the prologue. Whereas the prologue is very mysterious and almost old-fashioned, this first chapter is cynical and frank. That may be what you're going for--or maybe the main character narrates in the manner of the prologue when she's a wolf and in the manner of the first chapter when she's a human? That would be kind of cool...
Closeup:
The sentences are really short. Now that can be good for certain things, but I feel like for this kind of piece (just narration) it makes it seem choppy. I mean sure, it's very powerful to use a few one-or-two-word sentences here and there, but if you over-use them it isn't pretty.
You also use a lot of parenthetical statements --sentences in parenthesis. These, too, should be used in moderation.
Here are a few major examples of short sentences:
Here are a few examples of unnecessary parenthesis:
Line by line:
Sentence #1 : For literature, I suggest you use italics rather than CAPS.
Sentence #2 : I also think that abbreviations (such as a.k.a.) should not be used in literature. Also, keep in mind that "a.k.a." stands for "also known as." But if you put "also known as" in instead of "a.k.a." would it really work very well? I suggest you reword: "Chances are you got your so-called knowledge from watching Hollywood movies."
Again, try not to use caps.
I think this whole paragraph is too rushed. I think you should go into more detail about her description and make it be in its own paragraph.
This sentence really confused me.
Information:
In your PM, you asked for my opinion on how you should convey information. Here's my opinion. I think you should do one of two things:
1. Delete the current prologue and make this the prologue instead, which would work well seeing as it ends with "Let's get onto the story."
2. Delete this whole chapter and make the first chapter actually be the beginning of the story, but with little bits of description scattered throughout.
That's just my opinion. It's really up to you, though. What do you think will benefit the story more?
Please PM me when you post more or if you have questions/comments concerning my critique! I might have better opinions concerning information dumping if you reveal a bit of the plot to me--in a PM of course.
I look forward to your next PM!
Hope this helps.
~Azila~
I see, I think I get it now. Well, I'll be waiting for when you truly get the story going. You know, introduce the plot =)
pie-yeah. tha't skinda my problem. it's in first person narrative, and i'm trying to tell it as she would. as my creative writing teacher ut it, i need to show, not tell.
fangala-eh, no. but thanks. ^_^
I'll bet a million dollars that you've read Maximum Ride. If so, I can tell. You have some serious James Patterson going on in your writing, and, quite frankly...I LOVE IT!
This was amazing! I love your protagonist, your voice, and your writing style. It's very clever how you started a story with numbered facts. Normally, I'm not one for werewolf stories, but you've got me hooked. I'll be drooling over the computer until you post the next part.
Um, what is this? I came thinking to read a story and, well, I'm comfused. What is this? Is the main character writing this down or something? can you explain?