This piece as well as all the others in my profile as of December 30-10 have been removed because I haven't been on YWS in years and all have either undergone extensive editing or have been dropped. Please see my new polished versions. Escaping Fate: Endless Secrets has become book 1 in a series named THE VEIL and the title of book 1 is STRUCK (just FYI) Thanks everyone.
Ciao!
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125,024 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
Angel of Death
Fantasality eh? I've never heard that one before, i like it! And thank for your great review, if you decide to read more i hope you will like it!
Wow this was good. The way you write is not over the top but smooth and free. Your descriptions, especially when the wolves came in was fantastic. Goosebumps were lining my arms through the whole scenario. I've never read a plot like yours before and I am really curious as to what is going to happen next. I see that you have other installments to this story so I'll be sure to check them out. Also I love your title, its what caught my attention and your siggy it fits with the story...is that what its there for? Well anyways, all in all I thought this was a great beginning. This is another fine example of Fantasality.
Fantasality-reality tainted with fantasy. This seemed so real, almost as if there were people who actually can have the "sight" Lovely.
Good Job and Keep writing,
Angel
Just so everyone knows i am posting an edited version of all that i have written within the next few hours, so feel free to comment on it when i am finished. i will be adding (edited) in the subtitle , so you will kow when!
Slammoth:
Thanks for your amazing Comment! You just put a huge smile on my face! I also read the part where I described the street and you rae right, i am going to go back and add a bit more of what i'm seeing so that everyone else can see it too!
Thanks Again!
That was nice. One of the best pieces I've read in the whole community, go you! You could've perhaps detailed that street a bit more though, since I couldn't really picture the place in my head with the info I was given. But maybe that's just because I sucketh.
Loved the way you described the little things falling from her bag. A thoroughly nice detail thar, and you managed to link it to the protagonist, who noted her Nan's distress as a result. Well done there! You also did a good job describing these lycan-things and all characters in general. You bombarded me with inventive descriptions while keeping the action flowing smoothly meanwhile - It was so vivid that I was almost stained by foamy saliva as I read. Ick, messy lycans.
Your grammar was fine, but one part left me confused. "A cold sweat build on forehead," Guh, what? But nice work overall.
Thanks so much to everyone! I am really happy that you all enjoyed it so much, I do already have the first part of chapter one up and i will put the second part on soon as I am currently editing it.
To Sylverdawn
if you read near the end it says that she was 11 at the time of this memory, but if you read into chapter one she is currently 17.
To thunder_dude
I get what you are saying about the info dumping and the blunt end when the golden light thing happens but once you read further you will see that there is a point to the blunt and undescribed end there, but i'm glad you noticed because then someone noticed what I meant to do.
Thanks and i'll post more asap.
I reallly liked that story. It kept my attention and it was intresting. I would like to read some more so please write.
oh my god
That was the best story i've read on Lycans and Vampires in years. The detail was enormous but somehow balanced so it would not make the reader bored or sleepy. And also the plot was lined in a way that everything would fall into place like a extremely easy puzzle. WOW is all i can say.
nice, a really good solid start. The memory is vivid, but I kind of got the feeling Haley was younger around eight or nine. Keep writing I'd like to read more of this.
Hello, endless secrets! I'm thunder_dude7, and I will be [s]shreding[/s] critiquing your story today!
The first two paragraphs are rather info-dumpy. It just didn't feel right for me. Remember: Subtley insert the information into the action paragraphs. You can also use examples of past events to show her gift and her nan's opinions on it.
I liked in the first "action" paragraph, how you insert her feelings effectively in with the description of the book.
I didn't really like this bit. You said bluntly that the girl was nervous. Perhaps, instead, you could describe her nervousness.
Then, you began doing really well.
Then the golden light thing happened. The girl seemed strangely unimmpresed. Desribe her emotions.
I liked the last two paragraphs. Very emotional, and overall, nice job there.
Overall, I really enjoyed this. Keep it up!
Woo. I didn't see as many things as I did in the first chapter, but maybe that's because this was a lot shorter.
Good work! I liked it, again. I really do like your whole world concept. *jealous* Keep up with it and you'll do really well!
^_^ keek!
I did it backwards because I didnt know there was a prologue at first so i read the first chapter. But it answered alot of my questions though. I still like the story. I think this was a very good way to start out your story.
Can't wait for more!
Nice job. I really enjoyed reading this story a lot. The thing I like most about the way you wrote this was how you described the personalities of a larger group (ie. the Vampires) instead of a certain individual.
I know this is not the most extensive review. But the story makes me want to read more.