Published June 3, 2008
I opened my eyes to a snow covered landscape, hills of snow erupted from it all around us. Their jagged peaks reaching desperately for the sun that would surely destroy them.
I lowered myself into the biting snow and peered around a small hill. The sun scintillated sparks and flashed off of the reflective land, and the freshly fallen snow harshly blew, causing me to squint, the miniscule particles stuck to my exposed skin. The chilled winter wind penetrated through my jacket and sent my hair lashing to my face. At first I saw nothing but white, as my eyes conformed to the bright I began to see a shape. The form f a building was the only thing dark amongst the light, and it truly was a dark place, for I knew of the goings on inside. I knew of my friend and of the horrid things those monsters did to him and would do if I didn't save him.
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139,268 Literary Works • 672,523 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
OKay well...this is an intriguing piece here although I am a bit lost in terms of what category to judge this one as. Since it isn't specified and it kind of feels like both the sort of cut off start to a first chapter and a prologue at the same time. But, besides that issue, there is enough here to drag a reader in at least on first glance.
Its a good sort of tension here that you're trying to build and as far as the start to something goes, its a good idea to start with something along these lines. I am liking how this was constructed. I think you did a good job there by starting out with that little description and then slowly letting us know that thing were in a bit of a pickle. Its a good buildup to what I assume is perhaps meant to be some sort of climax there if this story wasn't cut off halfway which I guess it to be expected since its called unfinished.
So with what we have here, I think its a good start to a scene here, it looks like something that would get your attention although whether it would keep your attention depends on what happens next.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
I found that you used the words snow and hills a little too often. I know there aren't a lot of words that you can use that mean the same as snow, but at times where you find yourself using the same words frequently a thesaurus is always helpful. Also, reading through your work when you finish a chapter always helps, too. I know it's not as effective as getting someone else to proof read for you, but if you do it yourself at least once you'll be surprised at how many corrections you need to make. If you put the extra time into it the results will be spectacular. Keep at it!
Hey I thought your description was really good although maybe you should post some more so we can judge on the actual story too.
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I can't really offer any advice at this stage except point out the typo which someone has already done
I hope to see the rest of your story around here soon I'll be sure to check it out.
This was a really good start, or middle, I really don't know what part of the story this is but it all has a ton of action in it so it makes it interesting.
There were a few parts that you had some typos.
There should be an of there. I really like your descriptions and I could really see what was going on. All I would do now is finish what you have started and get either the beginning out or something so that others can know what happens.
(sorry if I am totally not getting it and the rest of this is somewhere else)