June [1]

Hey =]

So everyone above seems to have already picked up on the nit-piks, so I'm just going to give you my opinion.

I really liked the idea you have here. Having a MC who has CIPA, definitley makes this story more interesting. I don't think I've ever read a story where the MC had CIPA, either, so that makes this story unique in my eyes, too.

I feel so sorry for her. It must be so frustrating, not being able to feel, pain or temperatures. Everyday life must be so complicated - having to be extra careful.

I'm definitely intrigued to see where you take this story next =]

Sorry for the unhelpfulness, but I just thought I'd tell you what a good start you have made. A writer needs ego boosting reviews just as much as critiquing ones.

xDudettex =]

Me Likey! Adore the fact that you have a patient with CIPA and makes up for it with over dramatic emotions! haha! I can tell this is going to be interesting!! One thing, if she's an overdramatic teen then why'd she say mother? Maybe you already answered that to the other people who reviewed you but... ya know. I'm going to read ch 2!

I love it!! It's awesome!! You did an amazing job on this!! *all hystericall over finidng one of those awesome stories you just never want to stop reading*
Oh, and if you want her to talk less formal you can say 'mom' instead of 'mother', though I really think it's good just like this!
I love it love it love it!! I think you did an awesome job on the descriptions, emotions and such. And all the descriptions of the surrounsings are just great! I'm really liking your MC!! I always wondered how a person who had that would feel, and you described it so flawlessly it's just stunning!
PM me when all the other chapters come out!! I'm moving on to the second chapter right now.
P.S. you rock, I love this story!!

Thank you Sunshire, Kara and Kyla!

You are right about her speaking to formally, I just finished writing a novel where one character has this thing about speaking formally all the time, I guess I haven't let him go yet .

But thank you and I will make changes according to your suggestions and have the second edit up later tonight or tomorrow

Hi! I'm here to review your work!

June’s parents called it CIPA, but the doctors preferred the longer term “Congenital Insensitivity to Pain”, she hated it when they said it out loud

..."Congenital Insensitivity to Pain. She hated it when they said it out loud.

It's less choppy that way, I think.

This particular trip to the pale green accented, stark white emergency room was because she had slipped and fell on a slick floor in the mall while with her friends.

If it's accented with pale green, I don't think it can be stark white anymore. ^^

This is how it always was though, every morning she had to check herself, make sure she didn’t scratch her eyes out or chew up her lips, cheeks or fingers in her sleep.

This was how it always was though; every morning...

Note that I changed is into was. It was to make the verb tenses consistent. Also, I think either a colon or a semicolon would work better than a comma there.

Every time she slipped, fell or something seemed not right about her she was rushed to the emergency room.

...or something seemed not right about her - that part of the sentence is awkward. Try rewording?

But only because she couldn’t feel anything on the outside did not mean that she couldn’t feel anything inside.

But because she couldn't feel anything on the outside didn't mean she couldn't feel anything inside.

The only slowed the sentence down, and it was extraneous. ^^

Her mother was exactly June’s opposite in every way, a bigger woman compared to June’s lithe form, with gentle grey-green eyes as opposed to her too dark to even be brown eyes, and short blond hair for which June was glad she didn’t have, her hair was thick and the color a rich auburn that nobody could get through artificial dyes.

Her mother was like her opposite in every way: she was a bigger woman compared to June's lithe form, had gentle grey-green eyes as opposed to June's too-dark-to-eve-be-brown eyes, and had short blond hair June was glad she didn't have. June's hair was thick, and its color a rich auburn that nobody could get through artificial dyes.

Her mother held her hand in hers, a look of earnest written on her face.

...an earnest look written on her face.

But if you want to keep "a look of", it has to be earnestness. Which is a strange word.

“We’ve been over this Mother.

Mother? It's so formal. Unless she's a formal gal and deals with everyone like this, she should call her mom something else.

I am not going to tell them anything, they would change how they think of me, I would be some kind of freak to them.

I'm not going to tell them anything. It would change what they think of me; I'd be some kind of freak to them.

Most people tend to speak in contractions.

You’ve made new, great friends, I think they’ll understand ho-.”

I think it should be great new friends.

“Well June, looks like you are all bandaged up and good to go,”

...you're all bandaged up and good to go."

Again, contractions make the dialogue more realistic.

“Finally,” June said under her breath. “Thank-you Charles.”

No dash between thank and you. Also, she's speaking an a very formal manner. Most people say thanks.

“Take your medication and use your crutches for three weeks, I don’t care that you can’t feel it, but if you walk on it, it will break, understood?”

endless_secrets wrote:JUNE
[i]
But only (just would make more sense) because she couldn’t feel anything on the outside did not mean that she couldn’t feel anything inside.

Her mother was exactly June’s opposite in every way, a bigger woman compared to June’s lithe form, with gentle grey-green eyes as opposed to her too dark to even be brown (too-dark-to-be-brown) eyes, and short blond hair for which June was glad she didn’t have, her hair was thick and the color a rich auburn that nobody could get through artificial dyes. Her mother held her hand in hers, a look of earnest (can't use earnest like that. it has to be before an emotion or something. could say 'earnest look'). written on her face. (Make it a bit more obvious who has which trait.)

“We’ve been over this (,) Mother. I am not going to tell them anything, they (it?) would change how they think of me, I would be some kind of freak to them (break up the sentence. too long.) . A person who can’t feel! They would run away screaming. You remember Blake don’t you? Do you want that to happen to me again? Hmmm?” (doesn't flow that well.)

“How could they possibly understand mom! (?)”

“Well June, looks like you are all bandaged up and good to go,” Charles said as he examined a clip-board. (make sure to add in that he walked into the room or it could seem like he'd been there the whole time.)

“Finally,” June said under her breath. “Thank-you (Thank you) Charles.”
The doctor cringed under the use of his first name as opposed to his proud P.H.D title. June only used (left it out because... 'used it' would imply use of Dr.) it because she knew it bothered him.

“Yes sir!” June said saluting. (I like this)

You got a pretty thorough critique in the last two comments, so I second their edits. I really like the idea of having a character with CIPA, and that's definitely what kept me reading. However, I still don't really know what kind of person she is. Everything you told us about her was part of the narration - I'd like to see some her dramatic, over-emotional nature in conversation, in her interactions with other people. You give us a little bit, but I'd like some more. A lot of your descriptions are more "telling" rather than "showing." Try to really get inside your character's head.

I hope that made sense. Looking forward to more!

Thank you Meadow and Kyllorak for your reviews, I have edited out most of the long sentences and few other things according to your suggestions and will be posting the edited version sometime soon.

I am happy that you both like the idea of June being a CIPA patient as I wasn't sure if she would be relatable, but in time I belive she will be. I chose CIPA because it is very rare (Only 1 in every 125 million people contract the genetic disease) and because it does play a very significant role in the fantasy element later on, which you will see a small part of in my second installment.

Thanks again!

Meadowlark was pretty thorough with her critique, so all I can really do is agree with her. XD

In particular, you should pay attention to her comments on the long sentences. While long, complex sentences aren't bad in and of themselves (I use them frequently myself), it becomes problematic when the sentences become too long and complex or if they are composed of a whole bunch of run-ons. Your long sentences tend to be of the latter variety, so breaking them up into their separate sentences is the best way to fix them.

I really liked that June has CIPA. It's hard to find writing that portrays diseases and disorders realistically or even at all, much less ones that aren't "glamorous" like anorexia and bulimia. I look forward to seeing how June deals with her condition. Also, I am curious how it will play into the plot later on and how you will incorporate elements of fantasy.

June's character feels very believable which is wonderful, especially considering her condition.

Overall, aside from the technical issues of grammar, this first bit was wonderfully done. I look forward to the next installment.

Heya there!

This is an interesting story so far. I like the fact that you have a character with CIPA. It makes the whole thing far more fascinating

I just want to point out that you use quite a bit of long sentences. Sentences that should be seperate. I'll point out a few of them for you but the rest you'll have to find on your own.

Long sentences~ They tend to lose their effectiveness after awhile and it seems like they drag on with all these unnessacary commas and such. Usually where those commas are--if it seems like the sentence could be broken up---there could be a period.

Short sentences~ They add more tone and they aren't boring.

It wasn’t that she had bad hearing, oh no, her hearing was better than most , it was the simple fact that she had been in the hospital over seventy-five times in that year alone, and she had grown so used to the sound that she hardly noticed it any longer.

This particular trip to the emergency room was because she had slipped and fell on a slick floor in the mall while with her friends, they had noticed she was walking awkwardly and she reluctantly phoned her mother.

The telltale, little, smooth scars of CIPA patients showed around her lips and on the tips of her fingers from absently chewing them a tad too much as a child.

But only because she couldn’t feel anything on the outside did not mean that she couldn’t feel anything inside, her mother liked to call her a drama queen, but June thought that she had to make up for the lack of the sense of feeling and touch somehow and apparently that somehow was through abnormally strong emotions.

Her mother was exactly June’s opposite in every way, a bigger woman compared to June’s lithe form, with gentle grey-green eyes as opposed to her too dark to even be brown eyes, and short blond hair for which June was glad she didn’t have, her hair was thick and the color a rich auburn that nobody could get through artificial dyes.

You remember Blake don’t you?

Don’t be ridiculous, of course I don’t hun, but that was a year ago now, you’ve made new, great friends, I think they’ll understand ho-.”

Her mother let out an exasperated sigh as the doctor walked through the curtain that hid them from the other patients.

Well June, looks like you are all bandaged up and good to go.” Charles said as he examined a clip-board.

“Finally.” June said under her breath, “Thank-you Charles.”

The doctor cringed under the use of his first name, June only used it because she knew it bothered him.