Dedicated to J.R. You don't know who you are. . .
I notice.
I notice the cords in your arms when you work hard,
I notice the dimples in your cheeks when you smile.
I notice the flavor of cologne you wear as you pass me by,
Know the alcohol in the aftershave always gets me high.
I notice you're wearing your favorite T-shirt,
Advertising your favorite rock band.
Know if I tell you it's my favorite too,
You'll smile and you'll shake my hand.
Shaking my hand is as good as can be,
We're friends, that's right, you and me!
But f***, how do I tell you that's not what I want-
Without making an enemy?
I notice.
I notice the way that you're looking at her,
I notice the way she smiles back.
I notice the laughing, the talking, the grinning,
Small trips to the Poetry Shack.
Interesting how love traps us all in a room,
But only two can omit the gloom.
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Canary word: Present
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125,012 Literary Works • 672,842 Reviews
Hey there Kat here to review for Team WHY? on this review day
, I really fell in love with you character in the beginning and thought this is modern and pretty cute but I guess modern has those twisting ends. If that makes sense. I really felt for the person in this poem , I know what if feels like and the more relate-able a poem is the more readers will love it and you have certainly done a good job of that here . I love the title, really unique for a romantic poem and how you tied it in to the writing. A girl loves a guy who is just a friend who loves another girl, a tale as old as time ...
Oh goodness this was tragically depressing
Please continue to write more and Welcome to YWS!
Thanks so much! I will)
Hello! I am ILoveBooks ready to review!
Anyway this is a quite good poem to be honest. Oh how I love angst poem so much. And finally I'm glad I saw this. To be honest, I read this for like two times already and this is my third time. I'm sorry for not reviewing earlier.
Again, Not only but also a lot of people can relate to this thing! A friend that you like more than that but something getting on the way. That just suck. I mean seriously, you know alot about them and someone just have to get in between and try to impress your friend. Ugh, I hate those feelings sometimes. I think you are dedicating this to someone. And whoever that person is. He or she should know what this poem is meaning.
Anyway, I like how this poem written. I like how many people get hit like a ton of bricks by this poem. Even me, I got hit so much. I mean wow. Seriously, this kind of poems are hard to find you know and I'm glad you write something like this.
I think you are experiencing something like this? Me too...And i feel bad for you if you are experiencing this.
Anyway I notice some grammar that are off. Like...
"I notice the flavor of cologne you wear as you pass me by," maybe change it to,"I notice the flavor of your cologne that you wear as you pass me by," or maybe (second if its not a good one) "I notice the flavor of the cologne you wear as you pass me by," you choose what's the best one.
Another one is...
"Know the alcohol in the after shave always gets me high." Maybe change it to,"You know the alcohol in the aftershave always gets me high."
"Advertising your favorite rock band." I dont know what's the connection of this but eh. It still your poem. So I respect that.
"You'll smile and you'll shake my hand." Change it to,"You'll smile and you shake my hand." Because if you use You'll twice. It's a redundant already.
Over all everything is just perfect. Keep this up and keep writing. Everything I just said were just suggestion. You can ignore it. Or you can use it. You lr choice. I dont need to force you. Continue writing good poems because you inspire most readers.
-ILoveBooks123
Thank you! I'll work on the grammar
Hi! Hermione here for a review! I (probably along with many other people) was able to relate to this poem a lot. I hate that feeling of despair that comes when you know so much about a person, notice the small, wonderful details about them that make them lovely and unique, and you like them way more than just as a friend, but there are circumstances keeping you and them apart. I'm going through this right now with an old friend of mine, and it stinks. I notice that you dedicated this to someone, so I can see that you're probably going through the same thing. If that's true, I really hate that for you.
Anyways, my absolute favorite part of this was the last two lines that read,
I have never ever read anything like that before; that image was completely original to me. Great job here! Being able to come up with something new like that is a mark of a truly talented writer.
One line that I didn't quite understand is "Small trips to the Poetry Shack." What does that part mean? And here are a couple small places where the flow and the wording of your poem seemed a little off (to me):
I would suggest changing these lines to say,
I know if I tell you it's my favorite too,
You'll just smile and shake my hand.
Here is what I would suggest changing this to:
I notice the flavor of your cologne as you pass me by,
And the smell of your aftershave that always gets me high.
(or for the second line)
And the alcohol in your aftershave that always gets me high.
Of course these are just suggestions. What you decide to change or leave is completely up to you. You really did a wonderful job on this poem! Keep up the great work, and I can't wait to read more from you. Keep writing!
Thank you for your review! I see how those can smooth the poem out a little more, thanks!
Okay, so this poem is really intriguing and easy to read. I can tell that you have down this once or twice. So yeah, how about I get into the poem instead of just blabbering about nothing lol.
As I went to the green room looking fr a poem to review, I saw the first one with the tile 'I Notice'. Obviously I didn't know hat this person was noticing so I was sorta curious and had to take a deeper look. As I started reading I realized the mood and feelings this girl has for this guy. So, this opened up a new story for me to read as I slowly advanced through the lines.
I really like the description. It was like I could start to visualize these two. You painted a picture out of words, and only words. This takes a lot of major talent, and I think you gt that down.
One of my favorite lines was describing how she was going to tell him how she felt without totally ruining everything. I, personally know this feeling, it's pretty hard to like someone you are close to and jeopardize it by sone feeling you have. It's crazy if you think about it. But yeah that line is relatable to not only me, but probably a lot of people. Men and women alike.
This ending was sorta like that moment in the movie where your favorite character dies. You sorta feel like you lost someone you knew so well, but in reality only knew for about an hour. While this night be a weird way to explain the ending... It's true. The ending is the sad reality that so many people face. Which can tear anyone apart because this feeling is so common. But, in some way, you out a different light on it.
All in all this was an amazing poem with sick detail and a lot of potential!
Keep writing bro.
~#41
Thank you so much!