Overcome

That was fantastic. I especially love:

"Now you want me?
Now I'm gone."

It's just incredibly powerful.

Are the words "Sunshine" and "Eclipse" supposed to be capitalized though? I'm not an expert on poetry, but I'd like to know the reasoning behind capitalizing them, even if just for my own learning.

Hi again!
I really like your poetry, so I will try to review as much of it as I can.
It looks like the above people all ready covered the corrections, so time for some complements!!!
I really loved this one, and you've out done yourself. I really like the figurative language in it! (Yes i do realize I have used a lot of exclamation points. I'm a little over excited at the moment) Anyyyywayyyy.
Keep writing!!!! I love your work! I don't know about everyone else, but I think it's amazingg!!!!!
Your Friend,
Master (Alex)

Hi there! I'm June, welcome to YWS!

To be honest, I do not really enjoy the beginning of lines with "You". It's become redundant here, dear, and it kind of halts any flow that you could have gotten at the beginning.

I'm not too sure that I enjoyed the theme of this as well, I this it was a fair start, at the beginning, but then I started to feel like it was too forced, and that the main goal was not flow along with meaning; it was getting your words out.

I honestly think this can be a good sketch; you should try to elaborate on this, maybe use some imagery and other stylistic device to try and make this more exciting for your audience, dear.

For now, I feel like it's kind of "flat" in a sense that we don't understand what brought this change .

Nice work, though!

June

Hey! Welcome to YWS! I'm rather new here too, seeing that I joined a couple of days ago, but I already love this site. Hopefully you will too.

Yeah, I would definitely add some punctuation in. It would flow a bit better than it does now. Not that it doesn't flow well already....

Um, I thought the ending was a bit weak. You already created a very powerful image in the first few lines, and then it just....ends. I would work on that.

Overall, great poem! Keep up the good work!!!

See ya around.

zOe

hey welcome. i am rather new my self.

This was very impressive for someone your age. i think that this is a lot better than you other poem. however are you referring that the boy died in the beginning. because you said "yet you lie there consumed by fate" did the boy die. and than you say "you heard me screaming and left me there to die" so aparently it was you that died, correct?? and you say "but you will be waiting" well if it was you that died than wouldn't it be you that is waiting??

I think that overall this is brillian and you should keep up the good work.











TuckEr EllsworTh

Hi. Welcome to YWS!

You have some great imagery here. I really love;
"The moon of your desire

Casts an Eclipse on the

Sunshine of your hate",

and it flows well as a whole.

I'd add punctuation. If you're unsure where to punctuate, read this aloud, and put commas and full stops where you need to take breaths.

I'd try something like this;

"You said they’d never change you.


You said they’d never morph you to their own.

You said you’d never be a strategy .

You said destiny didn’t apply to you.

Yet there you lay

Consumed by fate.

The moon of your desire

Casts an Eclipse on the

Sunshine of your hate.

Overwhelming emotions,

Sometimes for the better,

Sometimes for the worst-

A drawn door

Big enough to let pain leak out

In a river of red.

Black your eyes blind,

Clothe yourself invisible,

They’ll still break into your thoughts

And pull for information.

Funny how you thought I loved you.

Funny how you thought we’d last.

Funny how you heard me screaming

And left me there to die.

But now you want me

And now I’m gone,

But you’ll be waiting

Not far from the trigger

Because the razor isn’t enough anymore,

Don’t think I don’t know that;

Because when you’re done that gun is mine.

So go ahead and dig my grave

And I’ll dig yours,

And we can die together

So far apart."

I'd get rid of the repetition, as it doesn't really add anything to the poem.

I think the last twelve lines are a bit weak, and the imagery is less careful than your earlier imagery. Instead of taking conventional images for despair, I'd look at the things the character your speaker is addressing is doing/not doing to suggest that he/she wants him/her and can't have him/her, and images to suggest the actual despair. If someone was looking at your speaker, how would they know how miserable and desperate he or she has become?

Hope this helps.

Jas