Published June 17, 2009
Dig a dark whole in your life,
big enough to let mistakes flow in,
wrong decisions keep you up,
fear of consequences keeps you out.
So you lay awake,
pretending to be something you're not,
something you're becoming,
a delicate cliche.
The truth and lies of it,
swirling side by side,
bleeding into each other.
Until the fine line disintegrates.
The tender rules of honesty bent,
until they're broken, cracked and bled.
The way out disapproved.
So you plunge a dagger through my heart,
To prove I don't love.
Please, do it now in your anger and your spite.
And I'll bleed into hell,
see heaven glistening above
Every cloud has a silver lining,
but every light has a black outline,
And every daggers soft,
Sometime in the stabbing.
My innocent heart doesnt beat the same,
as those who who try to slay the pure.
Compare me to humanity,
Compare me to my soul,
Differently alike.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,633 Literary Works • 673,570 Reviews
This is truly a work of art! I love the way this flows! Bravo emotionally(un)stable!! Bravo! Keep the poems coming, even if you did just come up with it, it came out amazing! If I could write like this... well... It would be better then my work that's for sure! I love the poem, I really really do! Write more! I can't wait to read them!
~xXMasterXx
My, my! Unstable, you have gotten better
I'm glad you could so well improve your poem. You still haven't corrected some grammar mistake, which I'll point out:
I loved on of the transactions you improved!
Awesomeness!
I loved this!
*Kat*
Keep up!
Hi unstable! I'm Kat, and I will review your poem
Line(s) by line(s)!
You have a nice concept here, and an interesting way of exposing it.
Wrong doesn't need to be capitalized. When the above line ends with a comma, the bellow usually doesn't need to be capitalized.
The last two lines I don't completely understand, Keeping up? as in how much deeper you can sink into the whole? And if you say up, the contradiction should be down, not out.
I have to give you credit for your punctuation. Many people think that punctuation isn't needed in poetry. I'm glad you're not one of those
Wow! Now we have a completely different theme flying around! pretending to be something... has nothing to do with the whole. Also, your should be you're, the contraction of the you and are, in both cases.
Again, another theme flying around! Now lies and truth and all. Try to connect your themes a bit more, so that change is not so drastic. Add some liens to connect them, if it helps. And the two themes on this line don't go along nicely.
Dramatic... I love it! The advise here is to connect the first lines. Use but, and, so...
The 'to' in the last line doesn't need to be capitalized. I believe plung should be plunge.
The second 'too' should be a to. Don't capitalize the 'it'.
Again, you change to the clouds and all. make that change softer.
I believe the only way to explain the daggers is that you did a typo and it should be dagger's, as in dagger is.
Sometime sounds wrong. Make it plural. I'm not sure than even that could fix the line. It's just so... awkward.
try to reword, will you, dear?
Again, themes! Connect them.
Compare you to your soul? That sounds like the same. Compare yourself to something else
Nice ending.
overall: it was a nice rad, but all the concepts mixed up made the message unclear to me. Correct the grammar mistakes, use some connectors and you'll be great!
Hope I helped, and if you have questions, feel free to PM me
*Kat*