Published April 9, 2007
hey, i wrote this poem awhile ago and i redid a lot of it, mostly to your comments. let me know what you think about the changes. thanks!
Envious thief- he bleeds his cries
so that his echoes nest within our walls,
leaving scars on our retouched paint.
Smiles begin to droop as we return
to a routine nearly faux.
Embraces, promises of our lasting love.
Hakuna Matata! But he still turns to pity.
We lean in for the sealing kiss, purging the past,
but he turns his cheek away.
He reaches again
for those razor blades and pills.
Danger, we had warned,
as we had stashed them in familiar cabinets
nearly forgotten with time.
His teary voice pleads us for a hug
while his wide eyes watch his blood.
Addicted to us, again, we return to his naïveté.
We bring May flowers and improvised compliments.
We leave behind our laughter to soothe his depression,
and we sit in hospitals chairs while he sleeps.
We wait close until he wakes up fine.
Yet still, bedside comforts end no tears,
for eternity is not enough.
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i really like this, it's a brilliant concept which is very nicely executed. i think in the first line the rhythm could be a little less interrupted without the dash, it kind of breaks the beautiful flow you create in the rest of the poem.
i also really like your atmosphere. i think the "yet still" in the second last line could be left out...overall, a strong piece. congrats