Published March 17, 2005
this gigantic sphere
filled with all these people,
with oceans,
with everything.
revolves around
something more
than the sun.
it goes around
us all,
even if we cant see it.
our lives,
its alive by our presence.
without us,
what a shame
to waste
this huge circle
on something else.
obnoxious, though we may seem,
the earth revolves around us,
all of us,
even if i am
scientifically incorrect,
its true.
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Canary word: Present
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139,531 Literary Works • 672,600 Reviews
Hey there emotion less.
I noticed that this poem was still floating around and decided to drop off a review for you. Incandescence didn't leave you much of a review but he did make some good points about your word choice. With the slight mentions and focus you had on the sun imagery, and how it was tilted more towards science, it could have been more exciting. You have the "revolves around" phrase repeated a few times throughout the poem but it's not as strong as it could be.
He was telling you to change it up some but I think you could just rearrange. If you were consistent in "revolves around", involving it in each stanza and giving an actual explanation to what it means in each case, that would give another edge to this poem.
Stanzas.
They're a bit absent at the moment and I don't know if that's from you choosing not to use them, or the publishing center taking some of your formatting out. For me, I'm mostly in favor of people splitting all of their ideas up, both for grouping ideas and also for ease of access. From the sort of sentences that you've collected so far, it looks like a pretty easy thing to split up and here's how I think it would happen.
In my suggestion for stanzas, I tripped a bit in this part and it is really the only portion I feel the need to be specific about.
I flipped your punctuation around during this portion because I think these thoughts are distinct enough. You get first to the repetition, the further explanation of "revolves around" to help the reader understand more of your vision. The word choice is still tripping during this period, from almost putting too many words in too little space, and still not getting any message out the other side. I think that you might be able to keep these exact words within the first line but it just needs a bit of rewording to go anywhere.
One of the reasons why I kept reading this poem was from skimming to the bottom to read the final portion. I rarely see poems where the ending feels just right and that happened for me as a reader in this one. From this, I don't have many comments for you.
The concept is pretty strong for this but it just needs some work from the technical side.
Good job and good luck.
- Lizz <3
This is a good idea to incorporate into poetry, but I think you could perhaps aim it away from literally telling us this revelatory information, and guide it more in the direction of suggesting this and hinting at it. While never telling us this directly, you could easily use words like "rotation" and "revolution" and "axis" without using "earth" this "sphere". See what I'm saying?