Published December 27, 2006
cherry wine thunders through my head,
beating the seconds as i inch toward delight.
a blood tinted sky waits with me.
the sun pushes through,
though heaven tries to hold it back
for just one more moment,
as last night replays until i peak.
shivers persuade me to my bed,
but lying there before dawn reminds me:
your embraces rouse these highs.
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140,571 Literary Works • 673,517 Reviews
Take use of capitalization. If not at the beginning of each line, at least capitalize 'I'.
I think you should give more action with the description. I see action, but I'm not sure its really there or if I just think its there. So yes, give more action.
In this context - weather to portray emotion.
For example in films they have happy scenes on a bright sunny day and dark, murder scenes in the night time even when both moods in reality can be at any time of day.
thanks for the comments.
sorry about that line. it is confusing... i think i don't really make it clear but it's kind of a connection of alcohol and "love" (or whatever), comparing alcohol to that person. and that line was talking about how staying up all night, hence, being there before dawn. yea i think i should be more clear when i write if i have to explain afterward what i meant...
and i feel really stupid... what do you mean by "pathetic fallacy"? heh...
anyway, thanks again for reading. i really appreciate all your comments.
Mmm.. Im going to be the devils advocate - I didnt like it. To me the second verse did not make sense at all. I don't understand why Pathetic Fallacy was needed in this poem at all as it didnt add much.
Mmm, maybe its just my lack of poetic muse but this didnt captivate me at all.
This is a nice, I quite liked it Emo.
Though the line in red Colleen is talking about is not proper grammer. It should be: but laying there before dawn... Unless you wanted the it to be lying.
I really liked the S1L1 and S3L1, they were my favorites.
I really should have done something more constructive for this, but I've got time constraints.
Chowder, be free.
CL.
Courtesy of the Former Kitten Eaters Anonymous
Ooh, that last stanza was great.
Hmm, this piece has great imagery, and some of these things are said in a unique way. I enjoyed each phrase separately, but it didn't really have any coherence; like taking one candy from each of two dozen boxes. All good, but they're just kind of muddy if you taste them all together. I'd like to see all of the separate phrases cooperate more.
The title "addiction" really helped me understand what the poem was about.
I didn't completely understand something here:
I didn't understand the wording of the part in red. Really, I'd like to stick some commas in or something, but I don't know where. I know this sentence should connect the first and third lines of the last stanza. Help?
Colleen