Published January 14, 2011
How many times have you looked in my eyes and wondered what I am thinking or looked at my picture and wondered what I am doing?
How many times have you picked up your phone and hoped the text was from me or picked up your phone to call me just because you wanted to hear my voice?
How many times have you drove past my house when the lights were dark and wondered if I was asleep or if I was out with friends?
How many times have you looked into my heart and seen yourself?
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,240 Literary Works • 672,522 Reviews
I like the idea of this poem, but I do agree with the others, it could be set out differently. Apart from that I liked it. Keep writing!
I love this! I wrote something (in blog format) that explains my feelings towards this subject. I love this. Keep writing please!
This leaves me wondering whether the narrator is actually getting along with the person he/she is speaking to. Is the narrator questioning the feelings of this person out of doubt, or out of love? My guess would be of doubt... the poem as a whole has a lonely feel to it. But I could definitely be wrong. Either way, the questions made me think. I like this.
I'd like to make a few suggestions, though:
1) This piece doesn't really have the structure of a poem. If you'd like to clean it up a bit, then you may want to consider breaking up parts of the piece so that each question is one stanza, not just an extended line (you could combine stanzas, of course - how you restructure your piece is entirely your choice if you end up choosing to do so). For example:
This could be rewritten as:
How many times
have you looked in my eyes
and wondered what I am thinking
or looked at my picture
and wondered what I am doing?
Obviously you don't have to follow this exactly. It's just a rough outline of what each stanza could look like. Polished poems are usually more pleasing to the eye.
2) If you're trying to convey a certain emotion, your word choice isn't really doing much for you. The feelings we carry aren't simple, sometimes, so using simple words doesn't really do them any justice.
Other than that, like I said, the poem made me think and recall times when I may have been asking myself the same questions. Good work, and do keep writing.
Welcome to YWS!
This is an interesting poem. I liked the idea, but I think it could have been better if there were more line breaks, instead of just long, unorganized stanzas. Good luck writing!