for him.

"Self note - never depend on someone for your happiness."

She read those words and started weeping.

That's exactly what she had done - she had given the control over her emotions to someone else. It was too late for regrets as she was already hurt. Why didn't anyone warn her?

She sat alone at an empty beach with a self-help book in her hand, watching the waves play. Every few seconds a bigger wave came on, suffocating other small, fragile waves.

"Happiness comes from within."

What a bunch of bullsh*t. Of course it doesn't. She closed her eyes and inhaled, consentrating on the salty air of the waterside. The sky was grey, big dark clouds floating over it. If you were quiet enough, you could hear the thunder rumbling. She knew she had to go home soon, but she didn't want to. Home didn't feel like home anymore.

The girl was hyperventilating and her head was throbbing. All she wanted was to fall asleep, to cure the anxiety that was sneaking up. "Please, not today," she begged herself. And anxiety left.

Sadness didn't, though. You can't exactly call it sadness either. That was a mix of disappointment, fatique and anger. She had her hopes up like always, and when things didn't go the way she planned, she was disappointed in others and mad at herself.

This isolated beach was one of the few places she didn't show to him. Thank god for that. She was safe here. Memories can't get her from here. All the other areas where they spent time together this summer were unbearable. The beach where they climbed cliff walls together, the roads they drove together, the rocky promenade where they fell in love... Already thinking back about summer made her gag.

She was disappointed in him.

She was disappointed in him to the point she was slowly starting to despise him. In her head she knew he did nothing wrong. He was the living proof of "don't set high expectations on people".

But you can't blame her for setting high expectations on him, because he truly WAS dreamy. He had a weird kind of a smirk on his face when he tried to charm her, and it always worked. He was smug with all the card tricks he knew and even if he messed them up a few times, he was still as confident. He made cringe-worthy jokes, but they still made her laugh. He wasn't afraid to make a fool of himself and he still managed to remain so god-damn perfect.

And the most importnant of them all - he was always right, no matter what. Behind that silly, almost daring and irresponsible facade was a highly sophisticated young man. Whenever she was sad - and trust me, it was almost never with him, - he knew what to say or do to make the sadness go away.

He had the craziest ideas. If you needed a partner, you would've liked him. He had the most unbelieveable stories to tell. One time he convinced her to take a midnight skinny dip in the cold, raging sea. The other time he returned home from a party at 3 am by bike. Oh, and the other time he travelled over 60 miles to meet up with people he had never met. He was wild and reckless.

Maybe that's why she was crazy about him. He was everything she didn't have to courage to be. He taught her how to be free, but he left before she got the hang of it. Before they met, she didn't know how adventurous life can get. After he had showed her, she couldn't bare the thought of him leaving her side again.

He also taught her how heartache feels. Once they arrived to the airport, she was broken. He seemed to be fine, which upset her. How can he be fine, when I am falling apart? Maybe "being okay even when in heartache" is one of the hidden skills he didn't teach her.

After he left, the girls' blue skies soon turned back to gray. Her optimism changed to pessimism. She was so lost, so empty, so.... purposeless.

They tried to keep in contact.

Soon he grew tired of her. Her and her endless complaining. Most of their conversations were filled with arguments.

Sometimes they spent days, even weeks without talking to eachother, both being too stubborn to admit they're wrong.

At one point, she gave up. All this time she was secretly hoping things would turn back to normal. She tried to fix things - they even forgave eachother. But it always seemed to her that she was the only one who was trying to make it work. Even though he answered to her texts, something seemed.. off. He didn't bother to make time to talk to her. He was always "busy". She was the one who had to start a conversation or it wasn't happening at all. That's when she knew it's time to move on. He has grown tired of you, darling.

It killed her, because she was no quitter.

In her heart she was constantly waiting for his message, but it didn't come. It went on months without a word from him and that's when the realization started to sink in. He's not coming back. It was a ridiculous thing to say as he never actually said goodbye or indicated he's gonna leave her behind, but she just knew. She felt it in her heart.

And no matter how far away he is, she'll never forget the way he made her feel.

She can feel him in the rain, and see him in the sunshine. She thinks of him when she wakes up and when before she goes to sleep. She looks back at that one time they were walking home in the pouring rain, singing. She reminisces about him holding her in his arms while she was crying. She still remembers how he wrapped his arms around her waist and kissed her in the sunset. It felt so real, so pure.

It still does.