Published January 16, 2010
No
No I can’t be
Not since him
Not since then and what tore us apart
Not possible
I have no clear thoughts no happy lies
It all consumes me now
There is no rest for the wicked
Let me close my eyes and see good things
It’s all so corrupt here, behind my broken smile
This is pure
Pure agony[/b]
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140,620 Literary Works • 673,561 Reviews
Hey Emmy! The things you need to work on are using poetic imagery, and giving us the readers more information. You're very vague, and we as the reader want to know who he is, when then was, and what tore you apart. Also, I wouldn't bold and italicize things, let the words speak for themselves.
Hey there! Welcome to YWS.
My problem here is that it doesn't really tell the reader much, you know? As June said, there isn't much of a back story so the reader doesn't know what they're supposed to be feeling about this poem. In addition, there aren't many poetic devices used so it ends up being a little flat. Why not spice up your poem a bit, huh?
~Amy
Hullo, Emmy!
A backstory would help me understand this better.
I have to say that I don't quite understand this poem. From my standing point, it sounds a bit as if someone is in strong denial, but in denial of what?
I think you should try to highlight the backstory of this better -- I get a gist telling me that it's about a breakup and she's having a hard time emotionally dealing with it, but I could be all wrong.
Also, in poetry, you don't really need italics or bold letters -- Italics are usually reserved for emphasis on something such as a title or un-tagged dialogue, and bold letters are usually reserved for titles.
This poem was a little foggy to me, so I am afraid I didn't understand it well.
Good luck writing!
June
Hmm. This is...okay. Not great, not good, not awesomesauce, just okay. I didn't like the bold font. It annoyed me. I don't need fonts to tell me how it's said. I actually see things like that quite clearly. Also, it's sort of lacking punctuation in some places
Tata!
-Mizz
Hey, welcome to YWS. By the way I like your name.
And first thing is use imagery. Most of what you have is okay. I don't have any real problems with this other than punctuation and more imagery, as I said lol.
Good luck, keep writing. Silented1.
Pm me if you got any questions.