Look at me.
Look how you’re tearing us down.
See how your eyes are colder,
Your hands are colder and stronger.
Are you crawling into your shell?
Once you leave me,
I’ll have nothing to hold on to anymore.
Once you give up,
Once you pull back from my embrace,
I will know finally,
That you love me no more.
You have fallen back,
You have seen me fall with you.
If you crash, I will follow without question.
Tell me that air is poison,
I will stop my breath.
Tell me my hair is messy,
I will fix it, I will cut it,
Let me change me for you,
I will.
For you.
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,815 Reviews
just a quick reply...I really liked your poem! I have to admit some
The last stanza was
of the changes suggested would help it's flow but, just to
argue, please don't take out the messy hair part.
the reason I liked it so much...it made it so much more sad and the
messy hair part especially made me feel for the character, that
they would even do the little things such as change their hair if
that was necessary....
anyway, I liked your poem,it made me feel and that's what poem's
are supposed to do. keep writing!
Hello hello hello hello :] I liked this poem a lot, I thought it was very clear how you felt about whom you were speaking you. It flows really well, and you're very good at choosing your words. I'm just going to flit through each stanza and see if there's any room for improvement.
I have no problem with the repetition of the word "colder;" in fact, I think it helps the poem, emphasizing that whom you're speaking to has grown emotionally distant.
You don't have to omit/add everything I did - these are only suggestions. And I just wanted to point out that you repeated "more" at the end of both stanzas. You probably didn't do it purposely, but it's not too repetitive; I just wanted to notify you of it in case you would like to change it.
I like the last stanza, but I think that the "messy hair" thing was too light-hearted for the intense desperation you're trying to convey with this poem. Try changing it to something more powerful, like if he doesn't like your tattoo, you'll cut it off, or something less violent, maybe xD You get what I mean. I liked this poem a lot, and take my suggestions into a account, but your poem is perfectly fine without any changes. Keep writing!
Hey,
It was a really good poem. It is well written, but I would look at changing the 'me' to 'myself'.
But other than that, I think it was good. Keep writing and thinking about the way you could write what you want to say.
Hello there!
That was a pleasant and an emotional poem. I liked the flow and the way how you wrote it.
You used "colder" twice in a stanza. Maybe, it would be better if you portray the "eyes" of something else than using "colder".
This line actually sounded odd.
Try changing "Let me change me for you," to "let me change myself for you".
Anyway, those things were only suggestions.
Keep writing!
Peace out!