Published May 15, 2011
She barely knows this boy.
He’s only in one of her classes. He’s very athletic and extremely smart. He’s really into music and videogames.
She just met him.
He’s the drummer in her friend’s garage band. He transferred schools freshman year. He can do handstands.
She only hung out with him once.
He hates it when people talk during movies. He’s attempted to play almost every instrument under the sun. He eats slowly.
They weren’t even alone.
He’ll gladly wake up early for a regatta but has trouble staying awake after. He enjoys foods such as hotdogs or chicken to be burnt on a grill. He’s impressively talented at the piano and learns songs by ear.
She likes this boy.
He’s unavailable.
She barely knows this boy.
Yet she knows exactly the way his lip curls when he’s only slightly amused. She knows exactly the shape of his face and the color of his eyes and the type of glasses he wears. She even noticed when he got new ones because he dropped his in a lake. She would be able to pick out his ratty brown sweatshirt from a mountain of other ratty sweatshirts. She would be able to pick out his voice from a crowd of millions.
The way he reacts when she makes faces at him across the room keeps her optimistic. The way he maintains eye contact while they’re having a casual conversation during class gives her hope. The way he seems so comfortable around her makes her believe that something might actually happen.
But she barely knows this boy.
And he’s unavailable.
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140,254 Literary Works • 673,075 Reviews
Hey, there! Glim here to review!
Gah, I just...totally and completely LOVED this. It's sweet and confused and has a great, original voice and is just perfect. I could totally relate to the emotions of your character, and you described first love in a way that isn't overly girly or dreamy or mushy. Instead, you took those special, unique bits about a person, and showed how they can change someone's world and make them fall for them. I felt like I knew both of the characters at the end of this piece. I also liked the italics as a way of switching back and forth between the descriptions. I'd like to offer some critique, but I really found very little wrong about this story because I think it's written so well as it is. I guess it wasn't completely obvious as to why he wasn't available - I'm assuming he's already with someone - but perhaps you could add a brief moment or description of the girl he's with hanging out or interacting with him, if it is the case. Just a suggestion, though. Beautiful writing, and keep up the great stories!
~Glim
that was interesting ... and not in a bad way. I like it the the pace that your writing goes. the way you wrote it was interesting too it was like a peom but you find the story behind it thats was some BEA-U-TIFUL writing my friend
- Jedi
I just wanted to tell you how much I love this.
I love how you insert random bits - they are the best! Like the whole handstand thing. I love that you repeated the whole "he's unavailable" thing - see, that was rather unique - usually when people repeat lines they begin the piece with them, then end it with them, but you inserted in the middle and I think it fits perfectly!
I absolutely love this. This isn't much of a review, I know, I just have nothing else to add. Wonderful piece! I now want to read the WHOLE story! If you ever do write it\post it, please PM me - I would love to review it! Great writing style!
Keep up the good work!
Ofir
This story, it's about you isn't it? It seems like a personal take on the inside of somebodys feelings, you wouldn't even have to tell me, that this story was based on true events. It seems like it.This girl really cares about this guy, I like the way you have a heading such as "She barely knows him." My faveorite is the short 'unavailable's'. Even though she knows she can't have him, she still loves him, and even if he doesn't feel the same. The story leaves you falling in love with the girl, and rooting for her at the end. It's good, add more and p.m. me when you do.
What a very cute drabble! Although it would've been nice if you gave them a little but more depth and background. But overall it was beautiful.
Hello there
I like this piece and I don't have any nitpicks for it.
I do think that you could have given names for the characters, though. And you proably should have developed the relastionship more:
What does she like about him?
What did they talk about?
Did he still love her?
How did he feel about her liking him?
Questions like that help you write out a better background for the characters.
Hope I helped !
-Ash
Thanks for the suggestions guys! Even though they were very little things, they still helped! I edited them in.
I liked this..It was really simple and nice. Just cute and fun to read.
This is amazing! it sounds like shes thinking about him and then it just hits her that she cant have him! So heartbroken! The only thing i dont like is "hes in EXACTLY one of her classes". but thats it. Amazing!
Hey there emmy!
I think this was great. I didn't spot any mistakes, so good job!
I do have one suggestion though -
'a handstand' to me, makes it sound as though he can do it once. Maybe -
'He can do handstands.'
- would sound better. It's up to you though.
I know you said this was based on a true event and I could kind of tell that while I was reading it. It read very honestly and that was great as it made it easier to relate to.
I think the way you wrote it was great too - with some parts being in italics; it was almost like reading the story from two different points of view. One that was slightly negative sounding - the italic parts - and the other that was more optimistic and light. It made the piece more original.
Sorry for the short review, but there's not really much to say apart from 'it was great'
Thanks for the read!
xDudettex
I really enjoyed reading this, I liked they way you describe the girl as knowing small details of the boy, that shows how much she likes him without saying it.
Hello there
parts. They are just too distant considering the fact that this is short. I'd find another way to put it. But that's just me so, good job either way.I definitely thought that this was very creative. The way the narrator knows a whole lot about this boy, it's jut so well thought out and planned. I'd say the only part I don't like is the
Keep writing and good luck!
This is so cute! I love the way things went and the way you described both him and her. Keep writing, Happy writing!
Okay, so really just this one little thing. I liked this, it was short, simplistic and sweet, and it felt relatable. Your characters, without a single line, managed to reverberate off of one another so that we had perfect images of what they were like and how their relationship worked. In one word, this was sweet.
Keep writing,
StoryWeaver