E - Everyone

Kyteline: First Scene

It wasn't how Kimber imagined sickness would be. Some days her Pa would be fine, standing on his own, working in his study to keep the fragile family business from collapsing. Kimber would spend those days pretending everything was fine. Other days he would be confined to his bed, with gray tinted skin and bloodshot eyes. Those were the days she couldn't pretend. He was dying, actually dying, and there was nothing she could do. Those were the days she and her Ma would practice running the trade business, moving the silk, cotton, and grain caravans from Kyteline to the eastern port city of Satiri and Toro far north in the mountains.

Kimber sat on the carpeted floor, her eyes flickering between her sleeping Pa and the fire at the tip of her toes. The tiles that lined the wide fireplace were heated just enough to keep her bare feet tingling. It was comforting to be in the room with him while he slept. The two of them weren't particularly close, but they had the tendency to sit together for hours saying nothing and understanding everything. Their relationship was based on feelings rather than actions or words.

The sun was starting to coat the sky with a light peach glaze. Kimber hopped to her feet, pulled her long cinnamon hair into a ponytail and flattened the wrinkles in her maroon plaited skirt. She picked the leftover speckles of dust off her black blouse as she went to the door and wrapped her cloak around her shoulders.

“Where are you off to?”

Kimber pulled the hood of her cloak over her hair. “Go back to sleep, Pa. You need the rest.”

She closed the door quietly when she left, not wanting to wake the maids or her Ma. The hill sloping in front of the mansion was steep and slick with dew. Kimber stumbled along it and scrambled over the iron fence that lined the estate. The Academy wasn't too far from the Highfolk sector of the city, so Kimber arrived before too long. She stopped in an alleyway and tossed her cloak into her bag. She removed the black curly haired wig from her bag. After positioning it over her ponytail, she left the alley and joined the mass of kids walking through the massive double doors.

Her parents had a tutor for her, but learning from him was nothing like the exhilaration of being with a thousand other kids her age and older. There was a certain chaos in the Academy that she couldn't feel at home alone with her tutor. Kimber slipped into a classroom unnoticed and sat in the back corner. She said a quick prayer to Cassidega. If she were noticed, her days of sneaking off to school would be over. Kimber could only manage it on the days her Pa was sick, when her Ma ran the business and was too busy to notice her absence.

“Good morning, class,” the teacher walked in. She was short, fat and had wild red hair. She wore a tight-fitting pencil skirt and frilly gray blouse. “As I'm sure you have all heard, a new Illusion Abrogation Law has been passed. The council of Highfolk has decreed that Illusionists are no longer allowed to ride in the same rickshaws as Ordinaries.”

There was some snickering, but for the most part the class was silent. It came as no surprise that another law had been passed. Kimber didn't personally know any Illusionists, but she felt uncomfortable when it came to the Illusion Abrogation Laws. A small part of her was afraid of the magic they possessed, but she was sure that was just a side effect of the conditioning she had received from being born as Highfolk. The rest of her wished the Illusionists could be seen as equals.

Kimber knew a lost cause when she saw one.

“Today we will be discussing Lower Kyteline and Upper Kyteline. Can anyone tell me the difference between the two?” the teacher asked. A blond girl in the front raised her hand.

“Lower Kyteline is the remnants of the city before it was rebuilt. It's where the plumbing system runs. And its where the City of Beggars is rumored to be. But since the collapse of the main entrance a few years ago, no one has been able to prove the rumors true,” the girl answered confidently.

“Good. And just to be clear, there is no City of Beggars,” the teacher said.

Kimber chuckled sarcastically. “How do you know?”

The teacher had a look of bewilderment on her face. “I'm not sure we've met. What is your name?”

“Mavis,” Kimber lied.

“Well, Mavis, you've heard the Shepard's fifth declaration. Would you please recite it?”

The Shepard was the military leader voted into office by the Highfolk council. The Shepard enforced the laws of the council. Whenever a Shepard did not fulfill their duties, they were exiled and a new Shepard was chosen. A new Shepard had been appointed just two years ago. Re-election occurred more often than not.

Kimber rolled her eyes. “Recent excursions to Lower Kyteline have amounted to the disproving of the myth of the City of Beggars. Those that still believe in it are urged to suspend their beliefs. If spoken about publicly outside of the school or the home, you will be subject to three nights in prison and a fine of 30 Curants.”

“I hope that answers your question,” the teacher said. The fat, red haired woman glowered at Kimber.

Around noon the meal bell rang. Everyone filed out into the large courtyard between the main academy and the Illusionist school building. In the center of the courtyard there was a pavilion filled with tables and a fair-sized kitchen. A roof extended from the pavilion to the doors of each building. Kimber walked alone and ate alone, then took a walk around the courtyard. After a while, someone jogged up beside her. It was a lanky boy with greasy black hair and a wicked smile. Her pulse quickened and goosebumps raised on her arms. There was something about him that made her uncomfortable.

“You're a pretty girl, Mavis. Wanna sit next to me tomorrow?”

Kimber stopped walking. “If you're going to come up to a girl and tell her she's pretty, you sure as hell better say your name first.”

“My name's Xavi,” he said. “Well?”

Kimber looked him up and down. “I think I'll be all right.”

She started walking again. They were rounding the corner nearest to the Illusion building. Xavi was still following her.

“What do you want?” Kimber snapped.

“I got this amazing new drug from a friend. It's called AMP. If you sit with me, I'll let you try some,” Xavi offered.

Kimber humphed. “Thanks, but no thanks. I'm not into that.”

“Just try it. I bet you'd like it,” he said, starting to veer off towards the Illusionist building. “Let me know if you ever want some.”

Kimber didn't answer. She watched as he confronted a thin, pale-skinned girl. The girl had the Illusionists mark. A telltale bright red marking that all Illusionists were born with around their left eye, but the design was personalized. This girl had three red lines curving from the edge of her eye onto her forehead. Xavi was bullying the girl, shoving her and whispering things into her ear that made her eyes widen. As much as Kimber wanted to help, she knew it would only make things worse. She turned away and kept walking around the courtyard. When she reached the door, she slipped inside past the teachers and left the building to head for the marketplace.

Comments & reviews · 3
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I'm very intrigued by the lore in this story! Illusionists, Ordinaries, Cassidega--fantasy always pulls me into the world. It feels like you took a lot of time and detail to show that you didn't just carelessly slap the lore on, and that's great. I especially like the fact that you had an adequate enough of imagery to let the reader imagine what everything looked like. Sometimes, there is too much of it, and I think you nailed it.

I'm glad you gave Kimber a backbone, especially when Xavi approached her and tried to pressure her into doing things she didn't want to do. The only problem I have with this is the fact that the events happen like a blur. Maybe that's what you intend specifically for the story, but that's only my opinion.

I want moooore.

User avatar
lydia9
Comment

I would definitely keep reading this. It was very intriguing, and I'm curious to know more about why she isn't allowed to go to school and to learn more about the world. Very well done! :D

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RacheDrache
Review

Hello, Emmy Lou!

I'm Rachael the Rache Drache, here to review. I'm a bit of a fantasy buff/nut/nerd or whatever you want to call it. As such, I found some of your concepts highly intriguing; their originality is very refreshing.

That's not to say that the whole thing is original. You hit quite a few tropes, which isn't necessarily a bad thing. Dying parents, rebellious daughters, and irrationally banned/marginalized groups are realities of life and existence. Magic academies and governmental figures hiding things a little less so, but things are what you make of them.

My main concern anyway has to do more with first chapterness and everything that happens in this chapter. You were particularly interested in whether the chapter engages the reader. It did engage me, but I'm not a typical reader by any means of the word. The initial conflict you presented was a dying father--and that was interesting enough to make me want to go onward.

But from there, things get a little unfocused. Almost... a lot unfocused. We go from worrying about her family, to suddenly she's in the city, and then she's at the academy, then there's all this mystery about the lower city and questions about the Illusionists, then there's Xavi hitting on her, and then finally the random Illusionist girl.

That's a lot of stuff. It's a lot of Capitalized Concepts. Too much for a first chapter. It's overwhelming. Pick something--something with a good conflict, something that launches the character into action--and explore that. It's better than throwing everything out at the reader and hoping something sticks!

That's what I got for now.

Rache



who you become at your worst isn't who you are
— canopy