A World At Rest
She used to tell me stories
of magic and bewilderment.
Dancing fairies, weeping roses,
redwoods tall and proud.
A lake of glass, an eternal mosaic
composed of sapphire and jade.
Her voice would drop
and a chill would fill the room.
Dire wolves and acid spewing dragons
blood leaking, scarlet syrup in a bowl.
Love and betrayal,
a broken promise, a frozen kiss.
Time stopped in a world of innocence,
kings exalted, queens adored.
Leaves dripping liquid gold,
mist creeping through the brush.
The suns afternoon hues fade
to vivid crimson, mango, and azure.
Stars sing in their heavens above,
she speaks to me of a world at rest.
My eyes close and colors burst,
luring me to delusional sleep.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Before I go into specifics, the first thing I'd like to mention is the formatting. I'm not sure why you broke this poem up into two-line stanzas, but it struck me as spacing the entire piece out a bit too much. How a poem looks affects how it is perceived by the reader, and right now, you have stanza breaks right in the middle of the flow of ideas, which breaks that flow.
Speaking of flow, there were a lot of places that made me stumble. Some lines felt overly long compared to the rest of the piece, and several had a different rhythm come out of nowhere. The best way to catch these flow issues is to either read your poem aloud or, even better, have someone read it aloud to you.
"An eternal mosaic" is quite a mouthful, plus the stress pattern changes from iambic to something else entirely. This was where I tripped up, and with how "sapphire" also messes with the stress pattern of the next line, the flow never really recovered.
I like how you incorporated her tone of voice as signalling a change in tone of her stories, but I feel there could be a better transition between what her stories are about to how she tells them and back.
There are better ways to describe blood than "scarlet syrup". As it was, that descriptor had me snort with laughter.
Again, transition. In this case, however, merging this with the previous stanza should make the connection clearer. Also, watch your apostrophes.
And again, transition. Quite frankly, I see no reason for these two lines to be present in the poem as they've got nothing to do with her story and how she tells it, which is what the rest of the poem has been all about.
Overall, this had a dreamy tone to it which I liked, but the lack of transitions between ideas and the breaking of the flow of ideas and words were major detractors. A bit more focus might help with the transitions issue, as well as weaving in a bit more development, particularly in how she tells her stories.
Allo! Okay then, uh, a review!
Okay, so, durning the poem, I was quite confused of what you were talking about or where you were getting at. Your discriptions- they were wonderful, no doubt about that, but where were you going with it? It might just be me, (No, I'm pretty sure it's just me.) but I didn't get your poem at all. Maybe you could explain it to me sometime?
I'm going to say this yet again- beautiful discriptions. This line reminded me of a Ponds' Cream Care Ad xD But, yeah. I love that line.
Hope this helped!
-TwistedM
I loved it. Well for me,it is very well written. Keep writing!