I push Ryan behind me when I see the man approaching us. He starts to protest, but I shush him. The man is now right in front of us, and he has a gun in his hand. “Give me your wallets” he orders in a gruff voice. I toss mine over, but Ryan is frozen stiff. The man flicks his wrist at me.
“His too.” He tells me, looking at Ryan.
It starts to thunder.
I glance at Ryan. “He doesn’t have one. He’s 13, doesn’t have any money.” I say quickly.
The man gets impatient.
“I know you have more money, now fork it over” he says, shifting his weight, glancing up and down the alley.
A raindrop hits my nose.
“We don’t have any more money, I gave you all we have.” I tell him again.
Three raindrops hit my face in quick succession.
A siren sounds in the distance.
The man shoots and bolts in the other direction, and at first I’m about to laugh, amazed we got away unscathed, when I feel a pain in my abdomen. I look down to see blood seeping out of a hole in my stomach, staining my shirt red. I start to fall and Ryan catches me, lowering my gently to the ground. “Oh my god. Holy shit. Jeremy…” He stammers, fumbling with the phone. “Hello, 911? My brother was just shot…” I start to close my eyes, letting the rain hit my face. Ryan snaps his fingers in front of my face. “Stay with me Jeremy. Stay with me.”
“Ryan,” I say softly, placing my hand on his arm, and he turns to look at me, tears and rain running down his face. “Not this time little brother.”
“Don’t say that,” he tells me through a sob. “Don’t say that. You’re going to be fine.”
I shake my head and smile at him sadly. I close my eyes, and I find peace in the rain.
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140,780 Literary Works • 673,688 Reviews
I have a question, how come stories aren't liked in this forum? It's simple yet I haven't come across a single story that's been liked? Anyway my point if we like a story enough to review why don't we just hit the like button as well. It's pretty encouraging.
Yeah! I agree with you too!
even I didn't pushed the star button earlier, though.Many people said in their reviews that the story is nice
like meand I liked/loved your story, but don't bother to like the story at the topagain like meThe answer to your question is, mostly they (reviewers) don't know about the like thing and mostly because they are new members. Yet, thanks for your complaint for my review. I appreciate that. I hope I answered your question. *fixing my mistake, pushed the like button*For me, this story is ultimately amazing! I love stories which can capture my eyes instantly. I love suspense. The title itself is very catchy to the readers already... So, keep it up! You really have that writing talent. keep on writing stories like this. You left me wanting more. I can't wait to check your other masterpiece. hehe! You inspired me to keep on writing. thanks to you!
-ghaylle
The words really make you a part of this one - I really felt like I was standing there and watching! However, I did find a few errors. One of which was that you were missing punctuation (a comma) in some of your quotations. Like in "give me your wallets". It should be "give me your wallets," he orders. Stuff like that.
But overall, I really enjoyed this! Sad in the end, but it was put together in such a nice way. Thank you for writing this.
Hello, priceofwords here
I really liked this story. Yes, it was short, but it was short in a way that added suspense and emotion because there was that feeling of wanting more, to find out what happens to the wounded child.
One of the lines which I particularly liked was "Ryan,” I say softly, placing my hand on his arm, and he turns to look at me, tears and rain running down his face. “Not this time little brother.” This was so heart breaking, I was crying inside. The way you placed so much emotion and love in just that one sentence... wow. All I can say is, you have a gift.
One of the lines I think you could possibly improve on if you felt the wish to is, 'I look down to see blood seeping out of a hole in my stomach, staining my shirt red.' I think you could have gone into more detail about the blood staining his shirt, just to create more tension at this critical point in the story.
But apart from that, there was nothing wrong whatsoever with this story, so keep it like it is unless you want to change the part I suggested. Your spelling, punctuation and grammar are all fantastic, and believe me I know how hard it is to keep from creating typos in pieces of work, so well done for that.
This piece is amazing and I look forward to reading other pieces of work you have created.
Keep writing!
priceofwords
Hi,
welcome to YWS! I hope you're fine here.
On with the review:
I love the title very damn much. I agreed with you that rains do help us hide the rain; and sometimes, I do that kind of thing too.
A very nice story with a smooth flow although it's short. Nevertheless, these were the things I found wrong:
I think using 'a man' instead of 'the man' would be better.
Could you perhaps explain who was 'he'? However, I know you meant Ryan but it, sometimes, would confuse others because it also could be 'the man'.
Perhaps remove the 'now' and this sentence would flow better? Also, 'in his hand' seemed weird, perhaps, 'in his grasp' or 'within his grasp' would be more beautiful?
Maybe separating this sentence in other paragraph would serve we (the readers) better?
By the way, you left the comma after 'wallets' and why 'wallets'? Perhaps erasing the 's' (plural sign) would be clearer? or perhaps adding 'all' before 'your' would serve you better?
I think nothing is wrong here, but separate this into another paragraph, okay; and you used 'frozen stiff'! I love the book! (I know: nothing to do with this story, sorry, sorry! XD!)
Seriously, 'flicks his wrist'! It's quite improper for this situation, I thought. Plus, combine this with the next word before the quotation mark. Like this, see:
Anyway, replace the dot(.) after 'his too' with comma and don't capitalize the 'he'.
What is 'it'? Try replacing it with 'The sky' or anything that suits you, but don't use 'it' because it would be a little confusing.
Are you sure about the 'glancing thing'? Maybe adding something would make this sentence stronger like 'I take a glance at Ryan'? Perhaps replacing the comma after the '13' with semicolon(:) and adding 'in his pocket' after 'money' would make it better?
Rather could you show than telling this thing? How was his face when he gets impatient, show it to us, please? Or adding 'more' before 'impatient' would be better?
Why used 'more'? Was the previous money was lesser? Just a thought...
And you left the comma after 'over'; are the 'shifting thing' and 'glancing thing' needed? Replace it with a stronger words if you could.
'hits'? If you can, find a stronger verb.
Perhaps replacing the 'have' with 'had' would be better?
'tell'; you already used it once, try another word like 'say' would be less boring.
Could you combine both sentences together? And adding 'a' before 'quick' would be more handsome? Are you sure to use the verb 'sounds' for a siren? Try using 'is chiming' would be better. Just a thought, again...
I'm so so so so so sorry that I couldn't really comment about this paragraph, but please try to revise it. It got some hole in it.
I think using an adverb after 'say' is quite ugly, so perhaps could you add an adverb before 'placing' instead like 'gently' or anything else.
About this thing: I was confused. Whose tears? Was it both of them or Ryan's or Jeremy's?
Describe more, please?
Perhaps adding something that described Jeremy's word would be better after 'say' like '"Don't say thing/a trash/etc. like that"'. Replace the dot(.) with comma, would you?
And do you need to repeat 'Don't say that?'. Try adding something that could encourage Jeremy like 'You still have hope' or whatever suits.
I found this last line is the most confusing and sad. It confused me: why Jeremy shook his head? why he smiled at him sadly? It was so weird for a human. Everyone, want to be alive, right?
By the way, the ending sentence was beautiful, but still, it can improve a lot more.
This story is sad (sob...sob...) and reminded me of my little long lost brother. (I don't really meant long lost but he left me for a long long time, though.)
Keep writing and I hope this truly helped ya.
~Nicol
P/s : I don't know why I did a truly long review with this story. Forgive me if I did wrong or simply offended you. Keep smiling too!
in depth review I read over it to see if you were nitpicking and I got to hand it to you, good eye.
Wow, okay so for some reason even though this is typical movie scene stuff (no offence) I really found myself engrossed in it. You have a simple, beautiful writing style and you should totally keep working on it.
)
I like how you create the scene perfectly, no hitches, no stumbles. I can find anything wrong (except my inner spell check says that it should be "Ryan catches me, lowering me gently to the ground" instead of my gently, take a look
What my advice would be, take this flow, you have what it takes to create a scene and then work on a completely new story line. You can do the character interactions well, you just need more original, more abstract theme. Go into a new genre, get inspired, you can do so much better.
Anyway great job, keep writing.
i also really liek the story it pulls me in wanting more i do hope this will be an ongoing chapter series really nice work
Hey emmawordsmith,
This was a terrific story! I really like the fact that it started without any background and ended before any such conclusion. Such stories provoke imagination in the readers as well and that is something wonderful! Not only was the story great, you've even written it with perfection. The correct usage of words and phrases is commendable. No rocky lines, everything in flow! So it was a great one! Happy writing
_Ishita Dutt