Try me I say to it.
If your the best take a swing or hit.
It stumbles back, it can't harm me.
I had yet to hear, yet to see.
But when I looked in the mirror my skin got cold.
Time, why time, had made me old.
I limped back to it and smacked it in the face.
I yelled, I screamed and called it a disgrace.
Now time was even more battered and bruised.
I was sure that time that it would lose.
I felt felt like a warrior, brave,
but I wasn't for I walked strait to my grave.
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140,582 Literary Works • 673,538 Reviews
Hello, Zontafer here to give you a review!
I liked this poem, it had a dark feeling.
I'm not sure if you mean to have a comma between ''best'' and ''take'';
Since time can be used as ''it'', I believe this:
Should be:
To not make it confusing, I suggest you to put a comma here:
Either way, you have put one more ''felt'' than your purpose, or you should move your comma(Or I'm just really confused here):
Or...
Also, I really liked the two last lines, those were great! ^^
Fix these things, and the other ones, and you have a nice poem in front of you!
- Zontafer
Hi, Tulip here to give you my 150th review! Whew...wipes my brow...never thought I'd make it this far. I feel like I have ran a four month marathon to get here....oh wait..I practically have. I suppose you are wondering, "Why is she going on about a marathon?" Well I don't know...but let's get down to business. I have to go to sleep soon and I am running out of time!
I liked the poem. It is different, and I like different. The wording and structure of the poem is what kinda threw me away. I understood it, but how it was set up was difficult to stay with it.
I can give you an example:
1. "...to it." who is it? What is it? Give something more descriptive than "it".
2. Structure...needs to be fixed. this is a very choppy line. Line's should be able to flow off the tongue. This one doesn't do so.
Keep writing, keep editing.
~Tulip.
Hi! Welcome to YWS!
A few nitpicks:
"but I wasn't for I walked strait to my grave"
Should be "straight"
"I was sure that time that it would lose"
Either you accidentally added an extra, "that", or this is confusingly worded, or I just don't know how to read
Other than that, great poem, and keep writing!
~Hadj
Wonderful poem! At first your poem was very inceptual at the start. I feel kind of bad but I chuckled when you said "Time, why time, had made me old." I thought that was kind of a bright twist on things. But then, the poem took on a dark feeling as you mentioned death and pain. Very good job.
Hello, rhia here to review!
I'm going to start with editing and suggestions
1)
Since this is dialogue, it needs to be in quotations, even in a poem.
2)
"your" should be "you're"
3) There should be a comma after "wasn't"
4)"strait" should be "straight"
Also, remember that each line doesn't have to be an entire sentence. THe way you have this structured makes it read very choppily. I suggest playing around with the lines to make the flow better. You can use sentance breaks to draw emphasis to certain points to get your point across better.