"I don't get it," I mumble again and hit my pillow once more. I decide to move on to something more solid, harder, and punch the brick wall of my apartment.
"Why are you even mad?" Umbra watches me from my most comfortable chair, her eyes seeking. "I mean, it's not like you didn't see it coming."
"I honestly thought we'd be given more time, that's all." I sigh and keep from looking at her, blinking tears from my eyes. She's right, of course. I had seen it coming, because why would he choose someone as broken as I am?
"It's his loss, you know that, right?" she says quietly after a few minutes have passed. I try to let the words sink in. Right, again.
There's a knock on my door and Umbra just looks lazily over to where the sound came from.
"You going to get that, or what?"
"Nah.." There's another knock. I sigh inwardly and swallow.
"You in there?" Fuck, it's him.
"Relax, he'll leave." She doesn't know that. She doesn't even know she's only a shadow of my very own imagination.
"Leave me alone. We both knew it had an ending." I say and ignore how broken I sound.
"That was harsh," Umbra says and her gray eyes catch mine.
"Just leave," I say again and meet her gaze. The door opens and I'm still staring at the empty chair.
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140,186 Literary Works • 673,040 Reviews
Hi there, emmaannaolivia
First, I love how you ended this story. It's unique and different from anything I was expecting. Good job!
Just a few nitpicks.
If someone punches brick, it's definitely going to hurt. Make sure to mention that. Unless the wall is actually made of foam and only looks like a brick wall, which I don't think it is
If you're going to say that her eyes are seeking, you need to say what they are seeking for.
Personally I would remove the "because" and make this two sentences. But that's just me.
I would add "she's" at the beginning of this sentence.
Again, I love how you ended this. It was a great twist!
Keep writing!
~WallFlower
Hello, Clarice Arrais here!
I know how it's like to write in your second language. You sometimes think one thing but when you put on the paper it comes all different. It means something satisfatory to you, but you don't know if it will be enough to the native speakers.
This is a nice short story. I love the way the character talks to Umbra. It's like when we are talking to ourselves, the mind-heart talking we always have when pondering thoughts.
Umbra is energetic in her complaints and advices and has a strong personality.
I know you intended the lack of details, but if you had described the scene a little bit more, the twist with Umbra would have been greater, I mean, the impact would be stronger.
But you did it nicely, I liked it very much.
^^
Keep writing and don't be shy!
Hi! Happy Review Day! I will be reviewing your short. Corrections will be in bold!
I don't like how you wrote this. It makes it sort of hard to understand. I had to read it twice. Maybe phrase it differently. Like, I mumble once more and hit my pillow.
I decide that the pillow was too soft to hit, so I punch the brick wall in front of me instead.
And tell us how much that hurts her hand. Because I dont believe it could be painless.
I'm lost. What's going on? And how do eyes, seek?
Lack of detail. And when you add detail, it's not very well written. Make the story flow.
Do people say going to get or gonna? Make it more realistic is all I am saying.
There is no emotion. Is her heart racing? Is her mind whirling with thoughts? And there is nothing to how she speaks or anyone speaks. How does the guy sound when he talks? Angry? Yelling?
The shocking part was Umbra. You can embrace more to it. I LOVED THAT PART.
OVERALL: You have potential with this story. I like how you jump into the action without really explaining much, it makes us think we are a real part of it in a very odd way. You just need to work on your writing. It's weak. I wrote like this until I improved myself, it will take time. So keep on writing and practicing. Read a lot and you will get better.
MORE DETAIL as well
- Nike
First: thank you for all of the tips! I really appreciate it.
Secondly: English is not my native language, so for all of the literary or grammar errors, my mistake. I was also struggling while writing this because partially, my mind described it in Swedish. Like I also mentioned in other answers: it was never my intention to make sense, or put too much detail into it, hence the lack of it. Leaving tone of voice, facial expressions, and such, out of it leaves this story more open. I'm sure every single reader has interpreted this piece differently and that's what I wanted. It makes it personal.
Also, eyes can be seeking as in Umbra's eyes wanting to find some kind of emotion, reaction, in the main character's eyes, while she gets nothing. And through this entire work, my main is pretty much stuck in her own head. She doesn't reflect. She's too overwhelmed.
Last, I want you to be aware of the fact that this story took approximately 5 minutes to write. It is a SHORT story, as well as it was kind of a test. I'm new to writing like this.
Thank you though.
Well, I'm just reviewing. I didn't mean to offend anyone. So if I did, I apologize. I know it's hard to write in a non native language. So I understand. I write in Polish sometimes, not easy to translate English.
Oh no, i'm not offended. Like i said, I appreciate it! I do want to become a better writer, or I wouldn't have signed up for YWS.
Okay, great
I'm here if you need any help! PM me for anything!
The story goes straight into the action.
You don't linger on in any places, you just go straight in.
It starts of without an introduction, which is great in its own way. The ending wrapped it all up perfectly.
At first I though Umbra was a real person, until you mentioned that she was only a shadow of her imagination. This is good because Umbra herself thought she was real.
It's really affective.
Good job, keep on writing
From LLZ
Thank you so much! Yes, the whole idea of Umbra was to confuse the reader, hehe. Thanks again and I will!
Hello emmaannaolivia,
I offer you my assistance, if ever that time should come, and I am willingly to help you. Just give me a pm or summon me. I hope that you are doing well on here, but it seems that you are doing well and you have even submitted something! Great job. Anyway, I'll stop talking and get on to my review of your piece, A Shadow. I love that title, by the way. It seems ominous and draws the reader's attention.
Happy Review Day and welcome to the Young Writer's Society! I'm Magenta as you will see and I welcome you to this fantastic site where you can review, talk, and improve your writing hill having fun!
""It's his loss, you know that right?" she says quietly after a few minutes have passed."
I think that you need a comma before the word "right" in the dialogue. I would also place a comma after the word "quietly". I love the beginning that you have here. Are you a professional writer? You should be.
"There's a knock on my door, and Umbra just looks lazily over to where the sound came from."
I do not think that you need a come in this sentence here.
I really like the ending. It was so different than most other pieces and I love the dramatic part of it. You did a great job with this and I really can't wait to see some more of your writing! Just call for me and I'll come to help you at anytime. Hope to see you around here often.
~ Magenta
Wow, thank you! I am, of course, aware of how vague this is because it really is a short, and I wanted it that way so that the reader can actually interpret it anyway one may want.
Anyhow, thank you for the tips about comma because that's tricky haha.
Thanks! Hope to see some more of your writing.
I have to honestly say that was weird.....I thought it was an interesting story especially since you made Umbra a shadow of the main characters imagination. I love that line by the way.
I thought that this story didn't make a lot of sense but you had a good idea in it. I got the gist of the story line but the way it was written it didn't make a lot of sense. It was like you chose a little part of a story and just posted that. what I mean is that it feels incomplete that there was a lot of information not given in the plot line. I'm sorry for being so harsh it was a good story but it was very incomplete. Good job Good luck and keep on writing. 
Thank you so much! Yes, well I warned you.
This is actually a part of a story, but alas, I couldn't find the words so I made it a short. It was never my intention to make sense, I just had to get it out of my head. So your statement about it being incomplete is correct. Like I mentioned in my reply to Magenta, I kept it vague and obscure so that the reader is given space to interpret however you'd like. 
Thank you for the review!
This is interesting, because I felt as though your original intent was to write a love story, but the dynamics going on here between the girl and her imagination is really what's intriguing. When she says "Leave me alone. We both knew it had an ending," I'm not entirely sure as to whether she's talking to her ex or to Umbra or both - and I like that ambiguity.
This story, however, is very skeletal right now. It's definitely in need of some fleshing out, with more depth especially in regards to the relationship of the girl and her imaginary friend (or her hallucination?). I think it would be interesting if you kept the relationship with her and this boy vague but built up towards his knocking on the door a little more through the conversation between Umbra and your main character. He's really not important to the story, but he is the catalyst for this conversation, after all.
This is a good start, but I would definitely keep adding to the story here. Keep writing, and best wishes. xxx
Oh, you actually found the depth that I wanted to achieve: how the intrigue is actually between my main and "Umbra" and not the boy, even though the reader is kind of tricked into thinking it's just another love story.
Like I mentioned in earlier replies, I'm aware of the vagueness and I think intend to keep it that way. It's nothing solid which leaves room for the mind of the reader. I quite enjoy hiding a story behind a story, if you get what I mean. Because the essence of this story is really the relationship between the main and Umbra, and you're right: the boy is not important at all.
Thank you so much for this review! I enjoyed reading your thoughts. You're very welcome to review more, once I post more of my works. Best wishes to you too! x