Published November 6, 2011
This is something I wrote earlier, a poem separated into three parts. I feel the first part is the weakest. Im worried about this poem being cliche. Input from anybody would be greatly, greatly appreciated. 
I.
Charm and wit establishes
her skill of manipulation:
A scripted tale of past years,
long pauses of thought
to leave victims lingering,
clutching tight to mystery.
The quick moment of power and control
is instant gratification,
and the bloody aftermath
of swollen eyes
and salt-stained pillows
will try to be avoided, forgotten.
It remains rooted in her nature:
Love, a hell.
Vengeance, a sanctuary.
II.
Wrapped in your cigarette smoke,
I’ll spit out my heart
and toss it on your ankle
like a hacky-sack,
beating to the rhythm,
the motion of our bodies.
I embrace the hot sting;
I know afterwards you’ll
kiss away my watercolor tears.
With interlocked fingers
you drive me to bodily seizures:
a precursor to my euphoria
I’ve yet to reach.
III.
Your light musk
embedded inside me,
constantly whirring
in my lungs.
I never wanted it
to escape,
but I puffed it out
when a train rode
over my chest
and when sensory deprivation
for the future kicked in.
You peeled your skin open,
let me delve in your mind.
I opened my mouth
to spew acid over you
and warped the dreams
roaming inside you.
I wish I hadn’t,
In a few years
when life’s dwindled down
I’ll want that musk again.
It’s just that,
commitment came knocking
when I was busy in the shower.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
128,562 Literary Works • 671,490 Reviews
Thank you everyone for taking the time to read this; I appreciate it very much. I'm very glad to hear that you all enjoyed my poem. I usually stick with prose and am uneasy about poetry, I stray away from it, so it's nice hearing your comments
Gg127, what I was trying to do with this, was have the first part be a description of the speaker in parts two and three..I think the way it's written may leave it unclear, so I'll have to find way to clarify this, maybe by italicizing the first section.
The main idea of this, is to show that many people who complain about things, like never finding love, being in bad relationships, etc., are the ones who cause their own pain. The speaker said "my euphoria I've yet to reach", and later says she'll want to smell the musk again, but that "commitment came knocking when I was busy in the shower". And the speaker justifies it by the thought of when one is young, it's better to feel control and be free than to be on the other end, vulnerable.
That was really captivating. The main idea was a little unclear, but your descriptions and analogies were very, very real. You sound like a very experienced poet.
I can't really find any weakness in all 3 parts of your poem. You're really a good writer!
So keep writing. I'm looking forward for some works from you.
I thought this was really good. I loooved your second stanza, and the others were rock-solid too. The imagery seamed this together with a lot of articulance, so sadly I'm left with nothing to criticize. Don't worry, this wasn't at all cliche, in my opinion.
Keep writing,
StoryWeaver