Published January 20, 2013
Hey sis,
I think you may have been right about waiting until after all the holiday madness to make this move—not for the reasons you wanted but because this still brought up all the memories again anyway. Maybe I just have a negative predisposition for the holiday season now, or maybe the season has a negative predisposition for me. Whatever it is, it sucks.
The first few days weren’t so bad. Even with putting up with the expected holiday madness, squeezing in through crowded stores and all, it felt so much better not knowing anything. Literally everything is different. I couldn’t find a Food Lion! They have “Publix” here. The driving wasn’t that enjoyable—I miss our long roads. And I can’t believe I’m wearing shorts in December…thought that’s a nice change. Along with being so close to the ocean now—I’ve already taken so many pictures. Really, all that matters is that this is nothing like home.
Driving home to no decorations out was different but I prefer it that way. I like going through all the bright lights, glowing windows with the same tree, and arriving into my own dark, calm, warmth.
Anyway, I know you just want to hear about the day. As it came closer I could still feel my muscles tighten. I kept getting so hot at random intervals, jerking my head around to see nothing behind me. When the day came I stayed in and spent hours retouching photos, trying to make them perfect. I like using these digital ones now; I can make them perfect. No errors to stay stuck on the rolls of film and ruin memories. After staying glued at the computer for pretty much the whole day I went out on the porch for a smoke. It was dark, surprisingly chilly considering the warmth of the past few days, and I actually had to go get a sweater. As I sat out, the air was still and I could see through the lighted windows people together, all with the same trees.
I just began drifting, but all of a sudden I hear screaming in some Asian language… Chinese? Japanese? …mixed with obscenities. And I wake up to see right in front of me, this tall woman hurling presents onto the street. A couple rolled over onto my driveway, just a few feet away from me. About seven other ladies were behind her trying to calm her down it seems, but she keeps moving around, making big gestures and motions. The front door is open and the real energy of the home is exposed. I see some kids in the front, one little one crying. I see a turned table and a burgundy puddle on the floor. A man comes out and grabs the insane woman and leads her inside through a side door. He isn’t a happy man and I hear more exchanges in obscenities.
The several women outside notice me there, right in front of them all. I can feel them flush red and I do too. After a moment of awkward glances one moves towards me, picking up the gifts on the street. Another comes closer and is right on my driveway to get the two gifts that landed there. I wasn’t sure if I should make eye contact, if I should say something. What do you say when something like that happens? The woman begins apologizing and I interrupt to reply that it was fine. But she continues, she starts rambling. She starts talking about how he (the man outside) has changed since his wife came to the states, and how embarrassing this is, that things like this don’t usually occur. I just nod until she’s done and walks back in, closing the front door. The house becomes again just another part of the row of windows with lights and the same trees.
I figured being alone I wouldn’t be exposed to these negatives and my memories would stay locked away, but there was still that trigger that set it all off, streaming a roll of fluid burgundy puddles, broken bottles, pops of light, and that shutter sound. I think no matter where I go, that roll of negatives is still going to stream through.
And then I look ahead and see through the lighted window; it becomes a mirror, or like looking into a wormhole showing me the past. The little girl being held by a boy older than herself. And while the older ones are away, taking care of the ones who don’t need care, he is looking after her.
I think everything will be fine as long as I have you.
Love,
Maggie
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140,636 Literary Works • 673,573 Reviews
Hey there!
Starleene here!
I have come bearing gifts of review! I’ve read your work and have done an in-depth analysis and I would like to share my finding with you in this review! So, enjoy!
“Maybe I just have a negative predisposition for the holiday season now, or maybe the season has a negative predisposition for me.”
Great line! It added comic relief but it also had a depth to it that foreshadowed the rest of the story. Nicely done.
“Whatever it is, it sucks.”
This line doesn’t seem to fit into the rest of the story. It seems vaguely childish, you know?
“Really, all that matters is that this is nothing like home.”
In this one line I can feel the heartbreak and the loneliness emanating from the MC. It’s beautiful but it’s sad all at the same time. It makes me wonder what happened to make her want or need to move.
“Driving home to no decorations out was different but I prefer it that way.”
There seems to be a lack of commas in this sentence, even though when you read it, it offers its own breaks where commas can be inserted. Commas should be inserted between “out” and “was,” as well as between “different” and “but.”
“As it came closer I could still feel my muscles tighten.”
Again, a lack of commas; try inserting a comma after closer and see how that reads with the break.
“When the day came I stayed in and spent hours retouching photos, trying to make them perfect.”
Comma after came.
“After staying glued at the computer for pretty much the whole day I went out on the porch for a smoke.”
Comma after day; make sure you recognize the natural pauses in your work, 9 out of 10 times it’ll be the spot you put a comma.
“As I sat out, the air was still and I could see through the lighted windows people together, all with the same trees.”
You need a comma after air, use lit instead if “lighted,” and you need a comma after windows.
“I just began drifting, but all of a sudden I hear…”
Maybe you can look over this sentence and simplify it; maybe you can write something like “just as I began drifting off, I suddenly hear…?” I think it simplified it a lot.
“I wake up to see right in front of me”
When you say “right in front of me,” I assume you mean, like, directly in front of you. Touching distance? Also, in the paragraph following this, you seem to switch between tenses, keep an eye on that.
“A man comes out and grabs the insane woman and leads her inside through a side door.”
You should replace the first and with a comma so the sentence reads, “A man comes out, grabs the insane woman and leads her inside through a side door.”
“The several women outside notice me there, right in front of them all.”
Because of a previous explanation we realize that there are several women outside, I don’t think that it’s necessary for state again that there are several women who are standing outside, you know what I mean? Also, you state again that the MC is right in front of them, when in fact they are at quite a distance away, yes?
After a moment of awkward glances one moves towards me, picking up the gifts on the street.”
Comma after glances. Oh yes, I wanted to mention something. If the insane woman were throwing presents, in reality, how far do you think she could actually throw them? You have to take that into account.
“But she continues, she starts rambling.”
Do not to start sentences with “but” or “and.”
“She starts talking about how he (the man outside) has changed since his wife came to the states, and how embarrassing this is, that things like this don’t usually occur.”
In writing, it’s generally frowned upon to use parenthesis to separate two different thoughts. Maybe you can look this over and find punctuation that allows you use both thoughts?
“The house becomes again just another part of the row of windows with lights and the same trees.”
Comma after “becomes” and before “again.” Also, use a comma after windows.
“I figured being alone I wouldn’t be exposed…”
Comma after alone. Also, I think you need to go over the paragraph that this segment is a part of and revise maybe. Keep in mind your punctuation and sentence structure.
“And then I look ahead and see through the lighted window; it becomes a mirror, or like looking into a wormhole showing me the past. The little girl being held by a boy older than herself. And while the older ones are away, taking care of the ones who don’t need care, he is looking after her.”
You should look into varying your word choice to make the reading a little more interesting. Also, your MC uses a very formal way of speaking so make sure it seems real, otherwise it’ll be extremely noticeable.
This was a great story line. I liked the mystery of it all. I think that the things you need to focus on are punctuation and when to use it, word choice, and sentence structure. Sometimes less is more. Keep that in mind for your future writing! I can’t wait to see what you come up with next!
Good luck! Happy Writing!
Starleene out.
Hi there, Stella here!
except not really because your writing is lovely and it's an easy read. It's just a matter of structure and arc and development. Do you see what I mean?
Okay so I love the writing here. I like how it sounds like a letter, how she refers to things that we the reader don't know about. That's nice and natural but it also has problems- I got very confused. I didn't really understand what was going on- where Maggie is, why she hates the holidays so much. So while I enjoyed the letter, I kept reading and waiting for some revelation to come.
It's fine to write as if it is truly from sister to sister. The issue is that you do have an audience, and in fact this is not a letter from sister to sister. It's actually a letter from author to reader, as, I suppose, all literature is (that's a nice thought. I'm going to use it more). And letters are about communication. So what do you need to do? You need to communicate your story to us. We don't know anything much about Maggie apart from that she lives away from home, hates Christmas and likes photography. Why is her sister moving there? That too was a mystery. You need to explain these things to us- and that's going to be hard in this format of course because why would Maggie explain things to her sister who already understands it? So there's always going to be a small amount of guesswork involved on our part. And that's alright! But you have to give us some consolidation. It's no use telling us a story but not letting us know what we're really here for! It's like you have to reward us for reading
Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!
-Stella x
Hi emilyleigh,
This was an interesting letter. A lot of the meaning was very hard to discern, though, and especially in the first few paragraphs I really had no idea what was going on. Then again, it is supposed to be a letter to a person who supposedly knows what the author of the letter is talking about, so perhaps that was on purpose....
Just a few technical confusions:
"Driving home to no decorations out was different but I prefer it that way. "
This sentence is phrased in a messy way. I had to read it a few times to understand it. Perhaps it could be rephrased, 'Driving to a home with no decorations was different, but I prefer it that way.' Or, 'It was different to come home to no decorations, but I prefer it that way.' There are many other ways to get this sentence to make more sense, but these are just a few options.
"glowing windows with the same tree"
This phrase is used several times throughout the letter. For me, it would make more sense gramatically to use 'with that same tree' instead. It is obviously not the exact same tree in every window, but it is that same type of tree with that same look, so I understand it better with 'that same tree'.
"Anyway, I know you just want to hear about the day. As it came closer I could still feel my muscles tighten. I kept getting so hot at random intervals, jerking my head around to see nothing behind me. "
This part in particular is highly confusing, and does not really get explained at any later point in the letter. We don't know what "day" is being referred to, although (and I'm just assuming here) we can connect it to the Christmas day that is described later on. The second sentence, describing a jumpy and anxious person, however, does not really connect too anything later on and therefore doesn't really make sense in the context.
Anyways, I really like this writing style and the topic was interesting, but I didn't understand a lot of the letter and I'm not sure I really grasped the point throughout the whole thing. Good job, though!
Blue
I love this. It's very understated, but it's quite flattering in its presentation. The character has a quiet, subtle voice that almost sounds humble and quaint. I liked Maggie, even though I knew nothing about her.
I truly wish I had some critique for you, but honestly I'm just in the mood to enjoy this, and say that it was very well-written, in all of its simplicity.
Keep writing, and best wishes. xx