Published April 3, 2008
Raped of my feelings torn of my independence.
Again at the lowest.
More confusion and idiotic decisions made.
It wasn't for the love anymore.
Because where I was it no longer existed.
Broken beyond repair.
Shear fear pulsated through my veins.
Captivating me in myself again.
But his comforting hand grabbed me and put me on my feet again.
Cleared the smoke that suffocated me in my thoughts.
And choked me when I wanted to break down and lose myself.
Something that has been so dear.
He was the most non judgmental and realistic person I had to make my heart continue to beat.
Replenishing my feelings and the restoration of my independence.
Regaining myself but stronger because I have him to make me better.
Nothing again to stop me and have me begging for a different way to escape
He calms me making everything for me possible
And he showed me I was never broken just a bad bruise
A bruise very deep it made him hurt just as bad.
As I healed I felt no longer captivated within myself
I felt trapped inside of all his love and the happiness
Leaving me beamish and in control again.
I was hurt
I was lost
I was screaming for help
I was needing him
To help pick me up from the emotional state I was thrown into.
And it was him who saved me.
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140,588 Literary Works • 673,542 Reviews
The whole poem is a bit confusing, but the sentence structure is pretty good. You need to work on the flow of your poems, this one was far too disjointed. Some of the sentences didn't connect or relate with each other, which made it not only confusing but exceptionally awkward to read.
Stay away from cliched phrases, which I think someone earlier said. They do often sound pretty, but they don't hold anything new for the reader and it unfortunately makes reading more of a labour than an enjoyment.
An interesting read though there's room for improvement, so keep writing.
the one-sentence, one-line format is really killing the flow here, so perhaps work on loosening that up.
Beyond that, work on being fresh and original in what you do. Don't settle for cliched phrasings; take those images and those ideas and make them your own! As a plus, this'll also do wonders in helping you to develop your own style and your own voice.
Happy writing,
~Ed
THe words and phrases are good and pretty, but they just don't really match. It might just be me. I'm not sure I'm not a professional. Who really knows anyways.
But don't give up. IMPROVE!! never give up. ^_^