'Blink'
When you wake up
And realize,
Everything about you is different.
The shades in your skin,
Maybe the person beyond your appearance.
We all walk around blind,
Unable to see what we are really missing.
Obsessing over unimaginable feelings
That no one really understands.
We have collected them along with
Memories of an unforgettable past.
Griping onto people
Who's names you probably will not remember
When your thirty.
Everyday is a new experience,
Even life itself finds a new definition.
Something to confuse us growing.
No one really sees the lessons,
That we are continually learning.
Continually shaping into
Someone different,
Better,
Stronger,
Smarter.
Even though we really don't understand how we
Grow and figure out
What was so complicated in the past.
But in the blink of and eye,
You wake up.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,781 Reviews
I thought it was great how it flowed without a structured rhythm.
Maybe a little bit of punctuation would add to the flow.
Also, there are a few spelling mistakes, but I'm sure everyone had already shown you them
I enjoyed reading this poem.
Keep improving.
Peace V
Everyday is a new experience,
Even life itself finds a new definition.
Something to confuse us growing.
No one really sees the lessons,
That we are continually learning.
Continually shaping into
Someone different,
Better,
Stronger,
Smarter.
Even though we really don't understand how we
Grow and figure out
What was so complicated in the past.
But in the blink of and eye,
You wake up.[/quote]
Welcome to YWS. I'm Rick. I hope you enjoy the site as much as we all do. After you get 25 reviews, you can access the YWS chatroom and talk about any work you're doing, ask for crits for anything, ask anyone if they have something they want/need critted, and/or just hang out in and talk about your day. Before you post your own work, you need atleast two crits. So, go crit some people's work before posting anymore of your piece. Feel free to PM me if you have any questions/concerns about anything.
Bye.
-Rick.
The crit: This piece is good but can use an improvement. I don't like how all of the sentences are on-going. You need commas and periods at the end. I also want to point out two spelling errors for you.
"Whose" is the correct term. "You're" is the correct term.
Other than that, it's good. I hope this helps!
-Rick.
" She sits astounded from what she has read" well I think it was pretty good it some how reflects on what i have been through you explained how you felt clearly so again good job !
Awh I loved this poem!
It was simply amazing.
Maybe break the poem into different paragraphs.
Other than that it was great, keep writing poems like this one. =]
Hi and welcome! Just a friendly reminder: Please do at least 2 reviews for every piece you post. This keeps the forums from being bombarded by work that never gets reviewed.
I thought there was a good message behind this, but you could make it more powerful by cleaning up your formatting and grammar. First off, your title has two k's. Probably a typo, but it turns off reviewers because it makes it look like you didn't care enough to proofread.
Second off, even double-spaced, longer poems are difficult to read without stanzas. You wouldn't write a story or essay without paragraphs, would you? Similarly, stanzas help your piece by making it blatantly obvious to a reader where one thought ends and another begins.
Make the corrections above, and this becomes my favorite part!
I'm not sure what you meant. Clarify this or take it out.
This ending didn't feel right. I'm guessing you were trying to connect it back to the title, but it felt really strange. There was nothing going on to suggest that I'm dreaming, just some thoughts from the narrator. And if I'm blinking, aren't I already awake? The "blink of an eye" thing is cliche, so try coming up with a new metaphor for time passing quickly.
I think you've got a good theme here, but it needs some polishing up. Good luck and keep writing!
I absolutely loved this piece.
:):D:D:D:D:D:D
I thought it was gorgeous, beautiful, amazing and jsyt plain great!
i could see it in a book right now.
And also I have nothing negative to say about a piece of writing for once.
This is just simply amazing,
You have real talent.
I have not seen a poem as good as this in a long time.
My favorite line was, "Griping onto people
Who's names you probably will not remember"
It all seemed very professional. Very well structured.
Amazing for a fifteen year old. I would want to read this outloud to all my friends.
Keep doing what you're doing, obviously you're destined for great amazing things.
10/10
The first time I have given that rating on this site!